I'm terribly unhappy.
I want my family to work. But I can't get over my massive insecurities and I'm ruining our relationship because of it. When i was pregnant my partner was out all the time, he wasn't ready for a child, and I have some slight suspicions he might even have had a one night stand, but I don't know! The uncertainty is killing me. If it were true I would open that door and slam it shut forever on him, forget how many years we've been together. To me cheating is the cardinal sin i can never forgive, and he knows this! (hence why he won't tell me). It's the deception not the act. I don't want to feel like someone I love has, and still is, lying to me. However, he might not be! But only the truth will set me free, and i don't know what it is. My intuition is just going wild that something isn't right.
I have reason to fear. After my child was born he really did start an affair, badly hidden because I picked up on the signals instantly and knew, maybe it was his guilt. It was just an emotional one (certain no physical stuff), he never even told the woman he and I were together, he said all kinds of vile things about me! I left him, we got back together shortly because he told me it was over, but it wasn't! He still couldn't make up his mind what he wanted! (this is what scares me, being strung along unhappy and unfulfilled while he has fun playing me and some other woman at the same time!) He did stop shortly later when he finally bonded with our child, (again, i'm certain of this, he didn't hide his msn logs very well) and as far as I'm aware hasn't restarted it because he wouldn't have time in his day, but i know he could restart it at any time if he wanted, and i'm terrified that if i so much as do one thing wrong in his eyes, he'll see it as justification for going back to her, hurting me, messing things up after i've become more dependant on him to provide for us, and also make me feel a fool.
The problem is me I know! I'm just waiting for him to slip up because I can't let it go, because I don't know the full story and what i do know makes me terribly terribly angry at him still. I'm also suspicious he doesn't 'adore' me, which is why I think he might cheat. He showers all his love on our child (good!) but I'm an after thought, making me think that him being here has nothing to do with me at all. Or maybe I just don't understand him, maybe he's just settled.
I want to just relax and be happy, but I can't! I love him and the thought of leaving upsets me too. Also, i've got anywhere to go!
I'm not looking for an excuse to leave, although I would if i needed to. I want to know he hasn't just as much as he has been unfaithful. Or at least I want to feel like he is genuinely devoted to me so it doesn't matter, but that's insecurity speaking. I don't want to waste my best years being played.
He's a nice man, but he is also very prone to getting emotionally involved with other women, to the point he'll happily run to their rescue in times of need. He used to be like this with me, but not anymore.
So yes, it is me, and my insecurity. But what can i do about it?
Advice please?