Mother is now 'seriously disturbed'

[Rhubarb]

Some of you know about what happened when my mum came to visit over a month ago. But in a nutshell, she came with her husband (M), my brother, my 17yo niece and her friend. I noticed fairly immediately that M was touching my niece rather inappropriately, and later on her friend too. I asked my niece about it, she said she wasn't comfortable with it at all. Phoned sister to ask advice, which was to talk to mum. Did that, mum not very impressed obviously, tried to say that girls should not be prancing around in their pj's if they were worried about his behaviour. Days later I get horrid phone call from her "God forgive you for what you have done" screamed hysterically before slamming phone down. Niece had told my brother (her dad) about it all, he went to see mum but mum thinks I told my brother and encouraged him to see her, stirring.

Hear nothing from her after this phone call for 3 weeks. Write her a letter saying that I did not tell brother. Get one back so decide to phone, try to make peace. Found out by her own admission that she told niece at the airport on the way home that I'd spoken with her about M's behaviour, and that I might phone her dad. So obviously that is why niece told her dad, so obviously that is why her dad went to see my mum about M's behaviour. But she just blamed me for being the one who told him! She had set it up all along, she knew who had told him, I'm being blamed for all of this being blown out of proportion, but she did it, she confessed as much to me, but without any guilt or even acknowledgement that she accused me falsely. She also refused to apologise for the phone call, saying that she didn't think I would be upset by it and she was too tired to say sorry or to contact me for the 3 weeks that followed!

Am so upset and shocked by her. Dh not being supportive, saying he wouldn't have said anything anyway, just to keep the peace. He's very good at giving advice after the event, but when I asked him at the time he wouldn't tell me what to do, just said it was none of his business.

I soooo need a hug!

hug Have some wine.

Your mother is a nutter! (Or maybe she's noticed, blames herself for letting the cat out of the bag, and is floundering around trying to blame anyone except M- who sounds a nasty piece of work-) and you've copped it.

I think you did the right thing.

((((((hug))))))

Has your mother always been like this, blaming others or causeing a scene? I think you did the right thing talking to your mum about it and your niece was almost certainly uncomfortable with what M was doing or she would have played it down when telling her dad.

Did you mum witness what M was doing? She may be hearing an entirely different version from him if she didn't actually see it herself.

oh goodness. fwiw, I think you did the right thing, have behaved impeccably - so don't beat yourself up over it.

I think she's upset by her partners behaviour and she's taken it out on you.

Anyway bugger cod have a >>

rhubarb you poor thing....it all sounds awful....your mother is having a classic reaction when confronted with something that it sounds like she may have been aware of? fending off any guilt onto you?

not v impressed with your dh but lots of men (mine included) don't like doing a boat rocking thing...

my sympathies....you did absolutely the right thing in raising it with her imo.

mothers never fail to stagger.

jimjams have you heard the song 'your missus is a nutter' by goldie looking chain...your post raised a titter in these parts becuase of it.

Rhubarb, please don't bugger Cod. Would be a thread to all MNers

But do have a huge hug - you did do the right thing xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hunker! you foooool!

Yep she saw a bit of what was going on but says "that's just the way he is", also is 'blind' to some things if you know what I mean. M was awful to me as a kid living at home, my 2 sisters left home because of him but I was so much younger so I got stuck with it all. I remember her having these panic attacks, crying, clutching her heart and saying she was dying etc, I was having a hard time at school and later at work, M would psychologically bully me, made me feel like a piece of shit, no-one noticed me at all. I still suffer for that. So when I blew the whistle, well that did it! It's all my fault because apparently he has tried hard with me, but I live in the past and can never forgive him. Truth is that I could forgive if he wasn't still a wanker to me, even when visiting he said hello to the kids in the car, I said hello but he completely blanked me. He gave me looks that said "What are you doing here you filthy piece of shit" (but apparently he isn't aware that he is looking in that way). He insults me when he thinks no-one else is listening. He did that to my niece too whilst she was here, he told her that he doesn't care about her, she's nothing to do with him, just because she was late back from the bar, and this kid calls him 'grandad'!

Mother is so mentally disturbed I don't think she is aware of her actions. Or maybe she is but I wouldn't like to think that. She lives for dramas and crises, she was phoning everyone the day the Twin Towers went down, she loves bad news. She gives as little support as she can to us, but what support she does give, everyone knows about it. She thinks that she can pay us off by buying us things, then she has done her bit.

All my life I wanted her love, now I have to accept that I will not get it. She thinks she loves me, but it's a warped love. Shit, now I feel vulnerable!

Rhubarb - it all sounds so grim

Your mum is probably like she is from living all that time with him. Can you imagine?????

Has your DM always been a pleaser to the men in her life - it sounds so awful, what does she get out of it???

Poor you - I'd be mightily pissed off about it all!

Rhubarb your mum is never going to change. ever. i still can't accept that about mine, but it is the truth. nor is she going to see the light and leave that piece of poo M.

all you can do is try to protect yourself (and people you care about) from their damaging effects whilst trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship (for as long as you want to). which is what you've done.

be nice to yourself.

Thank you. It's just nice to be able to talk about it all. Dh says "Oh, not that again", I don't know anyone here well enough to talk about this to. Phone calls to friends are costly. Sister is great but I know that if I tell her about tonight, it will make her relationship with mum even worse. I don't want to do that, but she was one of the people who really understood and I'm missing her right now!

i know exactly what you mean. keep going. but know that you are not only in the right but a nice person. and she has issues that prevent her from being either (from what you've said).

knowing this doesn't stop you longing for a great relationship with a different mum tho, well, not me. Nor does it stop me from envying my sister that has a much better relationship with her.

Let's just hope that we can be better mums for our children! I got some nice advice from a third party today who said that my priorities are my children and husband (though I smirked at the husband bit!) and doing what I can to protect them and make them happy. If my extended family threaten this then I should do what it takes to defend my family, if this means cutting all ties with her then so be it. It just made me feel better to hear someone else say what I'd been thinking.

Thanks for being a friend Sophable, and everyone on here.

your friend was right.

it's hard.

i've tried really noticing the emotions that come up for me when i'm with my mum....so internally i'm saying to myself 'now i'm really irritated, why is that, what has she just said that has got to me like that...and why have i got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach?'

sounds nuts but helps me to kind of diffuse the negative effects.

to be fair she's just doing her best given the childhood she had..and so is yours....doesn't make what they're like any easier to handle, but it's true.

i totally believe in evolution: if your mum is like this, imagine what her parents were like to her and so on backwards...things get much better through the generations....

I thought at the time you last posted about all this that you did the right thing, and I still do.

Your 'third party' person is right - you have your own family now and they are your priority. It's funny, because I've just been in the pub with two friends (nipped in for a quick one after Parents' Evening) - and we ended up talking about their fraught relationships with their mothers. It's a sad truth that we don't always get the parents we deserve or need You did the right thing - but your Mum is too wrapped up in her drama queen existence to see it. You've done all you can, I think.

Btw, your opening post about you dh being very good at giving advice after the event - much sympathy, i have one exactly the same!

Sophable, my mum blames her childhood very much, but my grandparents, my nan in particular, where the loveliest people you could ever hope to meet! Kind, non-judgemental, etc. So it doesn't make sense!

Thanks Marthamoo, dh just called to see if I was alright so he's obviously trying to worm his way back into my good books! Spineless git that he is!