Trying to make sense of it all...

[LittleBlossom]

Hello, have not posted on here before but have just been reading a few threads and wondered if anyone might be able to help me think through my situation a little.

My partner works from home 3 days from 5, (he could go in more but is bad journey and just recently traffic really bad so been at home more) I am a stay at home mum and we have 2 Ds (5 and 2). We live in a flat. I'm just finding it really hard us both being around each other during the day. He seems to like me being a SAHM although money is tight, and I've been okay with it, I did want to be around for the first couple of years for each of them. Anyway today, well it was really grotty weather here, windy, rainy, it's probably a bit daft but I've been really anxious since having the second over all sorts of things, and the school is up a steep hill along a busy road. It's tricky enough with him working away keeping quiet for him with the boys, at 3pm I felt really angry about battling on out for the school run and was saying loudly to ds in the hall 'come on we have to go get (ds2), yes hope the buggy doesn't blow away, better wrap you up warm! while he started a major wobbly about going out. Anyway my Dp went mad! Shouting nd swearing "I'll ff-ing go then, didn't see you mind this morning going out (ds first morning session at nursery) why don't you just plonk them in childcare or in front of the TV then!" I don't know what tothink, I've started recently doing a little selling online and when he came back with ds2 he told me to 'clear up that stuff' the toddler was asleep "so are you going to get him or do I have to do that too?" My ds from school said 'don't worry mummy!' He was quite shouty and i just said calmly ' you've not to speak to me like that, you know' before going to see to the child.

I just wanted to share this to shed some light on it, there's no way he'd discuss it. and we've had these flare ups before. I should explain, he can drive, I can't. So was it unreasonable to think he could pop up for the ds, rather than me having an hour round trip up a steep hill in a gale?

It's very much my job, the children, and just recently I've been flapping about money a bit and worked out that as a bit childcare available from last year's tax credits, could set up small business bookselling online, will only have the childcare till March though as end of the tax year. He doesn't seem to like it though, wonder if it seems like another stress to him (we're trying to move and he's been spending evenings and weekends painting and doing up the house and it has been stressy with the little ones about.

To be honest the 3 sessions at nursery are a bit of a revelation to me- the lightening of responsibility! I feel so motivated in those times, and now feel envious of his seemingly endless hours of uninterrupted cosiness (is a uni researcher) Also earning a little for myself is exciting.

Don't know how to sort things out though. Seems to take it as a bit of an affront, as if a criticism that isn't his working enough? (and aren't I happy with the children?)

On another occasion I was very upset because I just really needed a break when the toddler was a baby and his bro very hectic 3 yr old, he picked the baby off me and cuddled him protectively 'oh dear, doesn't mummy want you anymore!' What is that about ?? At the time he said he was just joking!? but it sometimes seems like I have to give and give and it's not enough. Oh, and the TV thing. I think a bit of Cbeebies is okay, like an hour of so, but he just says no TV (except things like the Simpsons which he likes!)

Maybe we're just under a stressful time. Any ideas? Oh, and when I mumbled about being anxious about the buggy in the wind he said "bo*ocks you are" How understanding.

I should add, we'e been together ten years. And he does help quite a bit with the ds', helping me get them up, breakfasted, takes the elder up to the school in the morning, and in the evenings bathes them after tea, reads them stories. Feeling a bit guilty now, a bit 'disloyal' posting. Some mums i know at the school have to battle on twice a day with more dc's than me.

Why do you refer to him " helping " you with the dcs ? Theyre 50 per cent his responsibility too !

Why were you even considering taking the toddler on the school run ? What was he actually doing as you got prepared to go out ? Unless it was something very important id have expected him to go.

You say he wouldnt discuss it , what sort of response would you get ?

Why do you refer to him " helping " you with the dcs ? Theyre 50 per cent his responsibility too !

Why were you even considering taking the toddler on the school run ? What was he actually doing as you got prepared to go out ? Unless it was something very important id have expected him to go.

You say he wouldnt discuss it , what sort of response would you get ?

Hmm, he doesn't seem to be speaking to you at all nicely, and the comment to your babe in arms was OFF to say the least.

I see that he does do his bit and that is good, he could do more, of course.

Perhaps your passive aggressive way of communicating with him is what set him off.

Why not, "Honey, be a love and go and get DS? I'm really not fancying going out in this weather, oh and take the little one too for the change of scene, and I'll get the tea ready/catch up/sit down for 5 seconds with a cuppa."

Have some confidence in yourself, demand your space, speak up and ask for what you want, don't sit there and expect a bloke to think for himself as to what you'd like him to do...

That'll never happen!

Well, up to now they've been my job, as a sahm, as he works fulltime, whether this is at home or at his work. So they're my responsibility within office hours. If we both worked 50%/50% jobs then that would be different.

He was working as I prepared to go out (well reading a textbook hmmpph)

Wouldn't discuss it- he just came through from having fallen asleep putting the ds to bed and went in his study and closed the door. he would tell me to leave him alone, probably. Go allsilent on me for quite a while and possibly apologise (in past for shouting)

Hi Hissy- forgot to say had calmly gone in there (and seem reading his book all cosy) I asked if would like a cuppa and said " so I'll be off to get ds then"

Yes you are right I think he would have responded better PERHAPS if I'd asked him but actually come to think of it we had a similar things another time - it could actually be tha he's just really stretchedwith work and the older ds just dotes on his daddy at the mo, him coming home from school would mean the end of his work for th day most probably,

Hmm, i don't like this at all. he is not being very nice to you at all.

Parenting is a 50/50 responsibility, if he is working from home, OK you understand he ought not to be disturbed for silly stuff, but he can take advantage of the lack of commute and pick his DS up when it's foul outside. It's called being flexible and kind towards your spouse. He ought to be very careful, cos one day you will start to resent this shutting himself off while you brave the elements.

Why not learn to drive yourself??

Does having him in the house stress you a little, trying to keep the DC quiet? I know it was a nightmare for me when H was in the house and I was trapped indoors with my DS.

ahh cross posted...

hmm, yes appreciate the arrival of DS1 would spell the end of the workday for him...

OK, so perhaps he isn't being unreasonable about the actual work/not giving you a lift, or going to get them etc, but he still ought not to shout at you.

Wait till he calms down, lay it on thick about understanding how stressed he is etc etc blah blah, but seriously, FFing and blinding at you isn't on, and if you can pull it off without a fight, mention that the main reason why he can work at home is because you make sure the DC are occupied fully, and you feel he is being ungrateful and taking you for granted a little.

Seriously you need to find your self esteem, and stand up for yourself a little more.

Actually, given the weather, i still think he ought to have put himself out...

Hi yes it does! We also have a retired lady below and feel need to stay quiet for her. We go out a lot and what with the schol run feel like am always on the go. Luckily we live in the centre of town and that is good, it is not too far to walk anywhere. I do resent it! I also resent that he goes up with the older ds on his own (easy) while I have to trundle both around later! (although the school run mums many of whom are sahm and have dhs who are away from 7 to 7 think he's great and I should be so lucky!

And learning to drive- wish I had when was 17 and in wilds of scotland with few roads, would have been much easier. I have tried but around here is huge roundabouts, terrible traffic. It just scares me, and the thought of driving with the dcs!

To be honest, though, he didn't give me much encouragement, don't think he thinks i can (drive) lthough I get a bit of stick about it when it involes us going somewhere where could have shared the driving.

I wouldnt like the not willing to discuss it , he doesnt get to decide whats up for discussion or not .

And the shouting and swearing isnt on , he doesnt do it at work to his boss or colleauges , and he shouldnt be doing it to you.
And especially not in front of your toddler. Stamp that out, firmly. Sureley you deserve more respect than the people at work , not less ?

Good advice thanks. Occupied fully- hmm well I do try but they do go in ad get him. Think if in a house would be easier practically. Actually, they were fighting at half term and I remember being cross when he said something along the lines of me needing to occupy them more, but I guess he was being more direct and less passive with me though. So, we need to be more direct with each other.

Oh, and I ffed and blinded at him too, luckily think ds1 still half napping and didn't take it in too much.

One time we had a bit similar and I just started laughing at the name calling and started saying the worst things possibly while laughing and we both ended up laughing at the ridiculousness of it. He can be a moody old grouch though.

Has he always been dismissive of you and your achievements?

I am not liking this person at all! Does he always put himself first in everything?

A friend of mine (male) takes BOTH his DC on the school run and then the youngest goes to nursery a couple of days a week. His wife works, but even if she didn't he said it's nice to do and he enjoys doing it.

Course you can bloody drive woman! This is your new years resolution. then at least if it's peeing down with rain, you can pop off and go get your DC in the car.

You are going to get lessons, you are going to take your test and you are going to pass.

It's not rocket science, really!

JEsus, your last post was chilling! Don't like the sulking, don't like the shouting, especially in front of the DC. Don't like even the joke name calling.

As dignified says, he doesn't get to set the agenda. If you have an issue,you need to talk about it and have the right to expect it to be resolved.

You both need to stop shouting, and start talking. If he doesn't like you to have opinions, then tbh, you don't need to shield him so much from the everyday childcare...

Your life sounds suppressed, stilted and controlled. You need to have a life, freedom and happiness. He needs to be happy seeing that you are happy. Anything less is short-changing you.

Oh, now this is a bit scary...am a bit in denial about this... he once said to me "None of that matters to me" (my qualifications, work..have good degree and postgraduate qualification). I took at the time that being he liked me for who I was and not what I had achieved.

No, he doesn't always put himself first. How can I put it, he works in computer research, is a little well emotionally obtuse / aspergery? He wouldn't have thought rain a prob. He ddn't go in the car in the end, he took his bike for ds to do on back of, and hiked it along.

I used to also get really stressed at uni / studying/ teaching and he also remembers that time and after quite a while of persuation from me to have a baby, and for me to look after it full time instead, he supported that decision.

Personally i think its a bit unrealistic to try to work from home in a flat with a 2 year old , and even more unrealistic to expect you to keep them occupied and quiet all the time.

You say he works from home because traffic is bad , how bad is it in reality and how long does it take him ? Sureley there are alternative routes , or the train ? Was reading a text book part of work , would he have been doing that in the office ?

If school is a hour round trip , presumably its 10 min in the car . Im a driver and constantly state that im " just popping to the shop , back in 5 " and i am . When my cars been in the garage and ive "popped " to the shop on foot and its took me a good hour .

10 min from his book wasnt a lot to ask and a bit selfish of him not to go. I dont like the lack of encouragement to drive really.

Cross-posted last msg. Was it really, chilling? Is it really that bad? Tbh I have thought of getting out, many times, but he is very kind as well, and to the ds he is their world. I don't think I could cope alone with both of them.
I tried speaking to one of his sisters once but she said it's just the way he is and his dad is very similar. His mum calls him 'the control' as he is very domineering. But, conversely, she is happy, they are happy. She does her one thing, she makes beautiful things and sells them in her own shop, but they are quite an old fashioned family and that was after the children hit school age.

I taught and worked in chldcare before haing the dc and knew I wanted them to have their mum with them for their first few years. I don't know

meant, 'own thing'

Hi dignified, will ave to go in a min as laptop runing on reserve and don't want to go in to study to get cable! It truly is an awful journey actually, stuck for over 2 hrs each way the other day, is notorious, and the trains are a complete nightmare really overcrowded and expensive..he works in uni researc so textbook ok he is not a shirker...is hard to explan he can be very kind but also very controlling perhaps?

It might be differant depending on where you live , but in my area you can buy a day bus / rail ticket for under a fiver , and a thirty mile journey into a major city centre takes just 15 minuites. To put it in perspective one of my dcs travels 60 miles per day on public transport to get to work and back , and doesnt complain.

If youve considered getting out many times previously i assume there is much more to it than the few incidants you describe . Controlling people are very capable of being kind when its to do with something they dont care about .

Others might say im over reacting , but after being in a marriage with a shouter and a name caller ( and much worse ) i would not tolerate someone calling me names again under any circumstances . Theres absoluteley no need for it , its chiildish and bullying and usually only occurs in private. Not to mention hurtfull , and no amount of sorrys can make up for it after a while.