PIL personality change towards DGC when SIL/BIL present...

[BigTeuchLittleTeuch]

I attempt to be a consistent parent (and fail!) but I am really struggling with PIL complete change of personality when my DH's sister and family are around.

In general, Granny is very indulgent of my DC and whenever I ask them not to do something it is met with 'ach, they're fine...just exploring/that's what DH did as a child/I love the way they enjoy doing that'...so far so good.

When SIL and family are around, they are positively mean to DS1 One recent incident was so horrid I was in tears after we came home, and DS1 was smart enough to say (the next day) that he was only upset because Granny doesn't usually talk to him with a mean voice.

There is history with MIL/SIL and PIL are markedly colder to me when SIL around, but I would be pretty pissed off if DS1 is getting residual mean-ness!

Not sure what responses I want/need - just feels good to get it out there

What does your DH make of it? Not quite fair on you and DS to be getting the brunt of whatever it might be - is it worth mentioning it to MIL, maybe she doesn't realise shes doing it?

DH thinks it is all part of a big, complicated picture that he prefers to ignore...

DS (he is only 4!) said that he was going to ask Granny if she was feeling grumpy because SIL and her children were all staying with her, but I said not to worry about it as grown-up are weird sometimes.

I really wish I had let him ask her!

What was the incident?

"DH thinks it is all part of a big, complicated picture that he prefers to ignore...
DS (he is only 4!) said that he was going to ask Granny if she was feeling grumpy because SIL and her children were all staying with her, but I said not to worry about it as grown-up are weird sometimes".

Hi BTLT,

re your above comments:-

You should have let him ask her!. Unfortunately if like many people, you yourself come from a family where such types of familial dysfunction are unknown, this is doubly difficult to deal with.

Your DH's reaction whilst understandable (he fully knows how dysfunctional his family is and thus choosing to ignore) is not actually something he can really do now because of you and his child. His first loyalty is to you two so he no longer has that particular luxury. You both need to present a united front to the MIL at the very least and pull her up immediately on any behaviours towards your son that you find uncomfortable.

What is happening between SIL/BIL/MIL is of their making; totally unfair of them to drag you all into it. You have not made them this way, these are their issues.

How does your DH get along with his sister?

I would completely limit the amount of time that is spent with his side of the family and particularly with BIL/SIL; your son is picking up on it at this tender age and it won't do him or you any good to further expose him to such nonsense from these adults.

You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as it may further help you.

Attila is spot on.

Thanks for all of the responses, particularly Attila for taking the time.

I'll look into that book, it does sound like it would be worth reading.

Sounds like your SIL dominates her parents and won't have anyone else's children praised when she is about.

Sounds rather horrible and unfair on your son.

You could always ask them to their faces why they change when SIL is about and tell them it upsets you and your son. Your son may even ask granny out straight himself one day?

However, if this is a deeply ingrained pattern that the family have it may be impossible to break, but it sounds very sad.

I agree your DH should actually help point this out to the parents, as they sound bullied and they obviously don't really want to be mean to your son so it must stem from SIL.

Miggsie with our situation I found it really difficult to fathom.

I wasn't looking for praise particularly but it was as if MIL had to actively reproach our children (incorrectly and inappropriately) so that SIL could feel better about her insecure and neurotic children.

I got that MIL was struggling to help SIL cope but the way it came out was so alien and bizarre to me. Also some kind of message 'look darling your dc are far more precious to me than DIL's. Some kind of over compensation at work.

Still weird though.

SIL is lovely to my DC, whether PIL are present or not, but I am aware that a lot of (negative) discussion goes on regarding my parenting.

Brass, I think your perspective rings truest (sp?).

I am confident that DS will challenge MIL if the need arises - he has done it before (he told her that it wasn't nice to be grumpy to us just because she was stressed about having to move her car - I was very proud and she did phone him back to apologise) Now that I think about it, SIL was staying with her that time too...

If he doesn't, then I will have to.

I just find it so hard to let DS grow up thinking that behaviour is okay, or else risking 'tainting' him and his view of DH family by explaining that they are behaving badly

What kind of criticism OP? How do you know?

Mostly that I 'pander' to my DC...didn't let them cry-it-out when they were babies, don't smack (and I try not to give them rows in public/company unless unavoidable), allowing them to choose what they would like to eat (now and again!), the list is endless...but all translates into lack of discipline and generally 'not hard enough' on them.

I know because MIL is not discrete about who she tells, and other members of the family have said that they feel uncomfortable when MIL & SIL get started on me/DH/other BIL/SIL...actually anybody!

I have never been able to decide whether MIL imagines that people won't tell me or if she intends that it filters back to me.

Whatever...when my DS1 stops being the funny, kind, generous, mannerable, clever little boy that he is now I will change my parenting (although it is evolving all the time, I reckon!) He's not perfect but he is a very normal almost-5 yo, IMHO.

But I should add....the bitching behind my back is not a problem, as such. It has always gone on.

It is this change in behaviour towards DC that I won't tolerate, but I would love to understand exactly where it is coming from.