Step-children/ex are ruining marriage

[lolliest]

Short version: Married 3 years, together for 9 and one son aged 1 year.
Husband divorced before I met him and has 2 children (16 & 13). Moved to other side of country so husband could be near these children 5 years ago.
Tried to be a good stepmother but have had near on 11 years of bullying/abuse from ex-wife and children. Now at the end of my tether after another load of abuse from 13 year old. Really don't think I can take anymore.
I love my husband more then anything but hate living here now, the children steal from me and I feel like my home is not my home anymore. I want to move back to my family and friends but my husband has his job up here.
Just can't stop crying :(

lolliest having read your examples I think you now need to take a step back and consider what is the behaviour that you find unacceptable and what is irritating but ultimately normal teenager behaviour.

EG child borrowing mums bag is irritating but is not, IMO, stealing. Your DH driving the child home specifically to return was unecessary especially if mum made the demand knowing it would impinge on your day.

A child taking clothes/makeup is irriating and would piss me off but again is not stealing. However if they are helping themselves to £20 out of your purse that is something that needs to be dealt with.

It sounds like you really need to set some boundaries with your DH and make it clear to the children that they will be enforced and inform them how.

Good luck

Mummiehunnie I am flabbergasted at your ignorant attitude. Just stunned.

My dh was divorced when I met him, it was a one year marriage producing one child. She is the most evil woman I have ever met, and has lost custody of three other kids she had to a bf. Then got pregnant on a one night stand 'for the benefits'

Think this sad attitude to second marriages is outdated and pathetic.

Op your dh needs to step up, stand up to the kids and stop guilt parenting them. But first, he needs to ensure his marriage is solid, and if that means moving, so be it. He tried this way and its not working.

Plenty of x-posts tehre with people who clearly know what they are talking about

Yes thanks guys :)
I've never had teenagers but do remember my sister stealing some perfume from my gran!

I'm going to speak to DH about moving away - I think we are all too much in each others space! We've tried, it hasn't worked - perhaps it will work being further away.

At the end of the day we also have to do what is best for our son and having him seeing his mum cry and shouted at by his step-siblings is not good.

HI MJ (pretty waves back)

Lolly I was with you right up until that point, although I can understand why you feel the way you do. They might be annoying teenagers and you might be finding it utterly nightmarish HOWEVER they are still his kids and they have as much right to what is best as your own son. I say this as a woman with children to a man who has another child so I know what I am talking about. You cannot expect him to leave for your sake and if you do you will quite deservedly imo get a lot more grief from the kids for a much longer time. You and your child are equally as important as them not more so and if they are picking up on that, it may go someway to explaining their hostility to you.

The suggestion to attend family councelling is a good one, that you should give thought to.

I can see you are frustrated and sick of the whole thing, but hope it is reassuring to see people confirming that it's pretty normal for teenagers to 'borrow' make up, clothes, bags and so on. Not right, but lots of them do it. Many (not all) teenagers seem to think 'what's yours is mine.

Bit trickier when they do it to a step-parent, obviously. Thinking back, at that age I could have rationalised 'borrowing' make up or bags from my mother but not from my stepmother. (Although I would actually have known perfectly well it was wrong, even a self-centred teenager does actually know you should ask first.)

Hi Lolliest

My sympathies to you. My DP's ex is a challenging lady also. I do not engage with her in any way even though she tries to drag me into things. She 'kicks off' roughly once a month but I say to DP that its up to him to deal with - end of.

I have tried to figure out what she wants and I think that its basically DP to be alone, to be miserable and to basically not exist now they are not together. I don't understand this as it was a mutual break up and she moved a new chap in 1 month after they split. He seems a decent sort, loves the DC's and so you'd think she'd be happy. My SDC's are pretty nice so she must be looking after them well - that's the important thing.

I think you should get your DH on board for a big talk about what's okay in Dads house and what's not - in a fun and positive way. If they stay away a few weeks so be it - they'll be back! Its so tempting to do the Disney dad thing but children don't respect weakness, they exploit it.

Oh and good job on having a baby! We have a baby - he's not there to fix anything just wanted him! One SDC loves him, the other feels a bit threatened I think - it'll all sort itself out in time. We just have to be consistent and keep talking.

Ill probably get flamed for this but these threads depress me.

I think it's a bit like the infidelity threads when the OW is frequently blamed letting the h off the hook.

In the stepparents threads the dh in question is rarely perceived as wrong or is innocent party. (I actually do not believe there is an innocent party in a marriage break up).

The SM often believes the h's propaganda (which I can understand tbh) about the ex wife and thinks he's superdad. And the exw is soemtimes portrayed as a loon(hope that word isn't offensive to anyone) or negligent. Wheareas in some cases this may just be a difference in parenting styles.

FWIW I am an exw and quite sane I think. My exh has new p and new dcs all fine and I have encouraged that relationship. Until recently I channelled all communication through him and took a complete back seat regarding her.

I know that dcs will play one parent off against each other but my dcs kept coming back saying that new p had been saying to them 'mummy should be doing this, mummy should have done that' referring to things that actually he should have done in 'his'/their time with them.

Exh clearly had not put her in the picture about our arrangement and it suited his purposes to have us both in the dark. He had also never introduced us despite my requesting it.

Although I might have mug tattooed on my forehead enough was enough (im generally pretty accommodating), as during 'his' weekends I was still doing lots of running around in the car and also because of the reduced time he spent with them (often the new dc's routine was used as an excuse) also finding lots of extra food etc. and I told him I would contact her direct with details of our agreement so she could be fully informed.

As I saw it by doing all that I was enabling them an 'easier' time of it and that he wasn't stepping up to the plate. My dcs are also hurt when he only sees them for a 24 hour period over every other weekend and said that the new dcs needs appeared to be coming over and above them.

Apparently she was furious I had dared to even contact her and about the content of my very bland email and he persuaded her not to reply.

I dont envy her situation but the bottom line is that if I don't feel he is sticking up for our dcs and also allowing them not to be treated age appropriately then I will have to intervene.

I think that many exw will only have their dcs best interests at heart which can cause friction between the two families.

Also teens are difficult to parent by anyone and if you had smaller dcs you couldn't imagine that yours would ever grow to be like that!!

I follow MJ on this one. I had a reasonably ok relationship with dp ex. Right up until a. Her partner left her and b. I got pregnant and since then the barrage hasnt stopped. I too get feedback that dss has said mean things, and she goes off, but then he says them here. It is part of the divorced child thing.

I know my dp is not perfect - I live with him - but I dont think phone calls at two in the morning to discuss it are appropriate. It is so hard both ways and the key, as mj and a couple of others have said is detachment. Take nothing personally, take nothing to heart and try to have realistic expectations of your ds's children.

I was thinking about this last night and often step or bonus kids are older then our own, just due to the nature of the relationships and I think this may sometimes be why we find it a lot tougher. Most of us know what to expect from kids our own childrens age, but older then we are used to is difficult and we havent had time to get used ourselves to what expectations should be. These kids often come to us full of anger and expectation and balancing their needs, with our own childrens and that of their mothers, is soooooooooooo hard, even for the most reasonable of us.

OP how are you feeling today. I totally get you are at the end of your rope, but still hope you didnt speak to your dh about moving.

What does the B stand for? I thought stepkids were DSDs, rather than DD for a biological daughter. If she's your stepdaughter she's not your biological daughter. Confused here. I thought I'd got the hang of these abbreviations.

That's a nice way of looking at it, although I suspect if I actually referred to my stepkids as my "bonus kids" in their hearing they'd think I'd gone a bit potty, and their mother might feel I was laying claim to them in some way.

OP, the ex wife sounds like she's setting a pretty bad example really, phoning you to verbally abuse you etc. I wouldn't be surprised if she drips poison in the kids' ears about you too. It's so important not to engage in any of that crap. In my experience, parents bitching about other parent/new partner tears the kids apart. Well done you for just hanging up the phone when she starts.

I honestly think these kids need counselling, but they sound too far into the whole 'rebellious teen' thing now to participate properly.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband. It's just not on that he allows this behaviour - and why does he address it over the phone rather than face to face when the kids are at the house? I understand he has limited time with them so wants to make the most of it, but he must discipline his kids, it is totally unacceptable for them to be stealing or verbally abusing you.

Perhaps look into going to stay with some family for a while? Maybe this will drive home to him just how unhappy you are. A balance needs to be found, and it is his responsibility to do that.

" lots of teenagers steal,"

Well, yes, that may be so, but it depends what values they have been given while growing up..

You make it sound like they can't help themselves, like a baby who needs a nappy changed!

I have a 19 year old (single mum too) and he does not steal because I have taught him that is NOT how you go through life!!

OP, sorry to hear you are going through this, I think your husband needs to put his foot down - not being the first to pick up the phone for instance, that way he is excusing them their appaling behaviour - or you are in danger of your child picking up their ways as he grows up.

I agree with saffy85! you need to sit down with your DH and dc to discuss, i am in a simular situation and we have openly spoke to the kids with regards to their behaviour and that it wont be tolorated in our house, your husband needs to have a relationship with his dc and they also need to respect that this is your home and can be theirs if they want it to be! the children are old enough to understand any silly games that your DH ex wife plays! be honest with them and stand your ground and last if you do move away your DH ex is getting what she wants! Be strong and always smile good luck! :)

My stepson is abusive towards everyone except his mum he controls her he always has.She never sees anything he does as wrong. And just says it's just him I can't do anything about it. It's destroyed my relationship with my partner and our children

@Grimm45 - this is a Zombie thread