Splitting up/divorce - how the hell to cope with it all

[rufusdufus]

My husband and I decided to split 2 months ago(instigated by me - don't really want to go into all the reasons but no abuse, etc, and no one else involved). We have dds aged 10 and 12.

We both work, earn similiar amounts and own a house together. It has been on the market for 4 weeks. Neither of us can afford to 'buy the other out' as it were, and it needs selling to release a good amount of equity that we intend to split.

Dh is being okay (although obviously emotional) and does not want to move out until house is sold. We can't really justify renting and paying a mortgage anyway. We are therefore living under the same roof and it isn't easy. We're not rowing, but things are tense.

I guess what I'm asking is, what do I need to deal with and how do go about it? Do we go to a solicitor to begin a divorce whilst the house is on the market? I am just wondering how it works if the house takes months to sell. I don't want to waste money on solicitors etc anymore than I have to, but what could I expect in terms of equity, ie would it automatically be split 50/50? Do we wait until the house is sold and then begin divorce proceedings?

I know that this should go in the legal section but I'm also posting for emotional support. I feel tremendously guilty for doing this (although know it is the 'right' thing to do in the long run) and its obviously really hard when we're still living together. The whole situation of us both having to find somewhere to live seems like a mountain to climb along with the emotional side of it all to deal with and obviously our joint priority is the wellbeing of our children. I also have a very stressful job (which I obviously have to hold down) and its just so bloody hard! Its difficult to explain and sounds very selfish, but its like I want the world to stop, just for a while, so I can take a breather and get my head around all of the emotional and practical issues. Any advice/experience would be appreciated.

Hey there, you'll get there. You will. I split up with ex-DP when my DS was 5mo. We moved out, and DS and I went to live with my wonderful sister (DS and I shared a room - kind of awful as he kept getting up at 5am!) for a year. Also had a super-stressful job, which I went back to when DS was 8mo, and generally went a bit nuts for a year, working madly and trying to hold it all together. DP was pretty reasonable, more or less, but there was stress about money and it was bloody, bloody hard.

But. I knew all the way through that a) it was the right decision and b) that ex-DP and I both had DS's best interests at heart. I'm afraid I can't advise on the legal business of the house, but what I can say is that what feels insurmountable now will have been surmounted this time next year. Talk to your family if they're around, talk to your friends, remember the things that you can do for yourself - go for walks, read, have baths, take deep breaths.

Sorry not to have anything more sensible to say, but just wanted to let you know that you WILL be ok. I've been there and two years down the line it's not even really a bad memory any more - just the right decision.

Thank you loveandsqualor

Its difficult to know also what to tell dds. Knowing that the house could take months to sell, I'm hesitant to say whats going to happen (ie, dh and I will be living apart in the future) because I'm not sure of the timeframe. I think it might be better to tell them when we have got absolutely concrete plans but because we are now in the process of telling our family/closest friends, there's always a risk they might get a whiff of it.

Rufus, I know what you mean about the tense atmosphere. DH and I split up at the end of last week and I'm waiting for him to leave. I avoid being in the same room as him for too long or go out with friends. As for the solicitors involvement I have no idea but i will watch with interest so i have a bit of information ready. Thinking of you

I think there's no practical reason not to run the divorce parallel with the house sale. If the divorce happens first then you won't have any questions about what happens to the proceeds, as it will all have been determined by the court (probably rubber-stamping your negotiated settlement if you've both been reasonable). Our house was sold and proceeds divided about four months after the divorce was finalised. We had to live together as two not-very-amicable separate adults for a few months longer, but there wasn't a huge difference between that and the pre-divorce situation. If anything it was a little easier because XH didn't keep putting pressure on me to stop proceedings or commenting on my behaviour on the grounds that "you are still my wife" (bloody dinosaur!). Whether it will make things easier or harder for you emotionally depends on both of you and how you handle things, I guess.

If in doubt, seek legal advice. Solicitors are not cheap, but if you're approaching this jointly rather than beating each other with the legal stick it should be a once-off cost and hopefully worthwhile.

Yes anniegetyourgun

It would seem very strange divorcing whilst living together although I guess starting the proceedings obviously makes it concrete. I am tempted to look into renting - perhaps overall it would be easier. It would give us both space (even though dh doesn't want to split, he admits its hard living together.

shelleylou - how long will you have to wait for him to leave?