I dont know whats best for my kids(and me)!

[rysa07]

I am so confused, i split up with my husband three years ago when i left him because of his drinking problem among other issues. Any way ive always cared about him and he wants me back.

we have children who are settled in school with friends etc.. and getting back with him would mean leaving my home and my whole life to move to the middle of no where (where he works). I dont know if he has really changed but im not sure if im depriving my children of a father. at the moment the kids are very young and not asking any questions about there father but soon those questions will start.

what do i do thats best for everyone?

Has he stopped drinking? What employment/friendship chances will you have? What are the schools like for the dc?

If he wants you back he comes to where you and the kids are - no question. BUT you need to be certain he has changed. Small steps, lots of couples conselling and alot of trust to be earnt by him. He has to prove to you he's changed, you'll soon know if he's serious.

Don't uproot your dc They must be your priority

You'd be insane to move your kids, and leave your own support system/life for a man you haven't lived with for 3 years and who may still have alcohol issues.

By all means test the water, if that's what you want - have a few dates with him, get to know him again, see how things are. But if any moving has to be done then he should do it. Don't move your kids for a "what if...?". And you're not depriving them of a father - they still have a father. Some parents are just better parents separately.

Thats the whole problem i dont want to uproot the kids, but he thinks thats silly as they are so young they can adjust quickly.

i have just started to get my life back, youngest is in nursery and ive started work and further education. i would have to leave all that. he has a very good job so him moving to me is crazy in his opinion.

Then he isn't really committed/ready rysa. Hassled is right, work on your relationship first - dates etc. Do what you want to do, you have no obligation to him at all imo

It's not looking good if he's not prepared to make any compromises at this stage, is it? If this is going to work, then effort has to come from both sides.

Young kids do usually adapt to change easily, true, but your children have already been through a big change 3 years ago - and they're settled and happy where they are. You have no way of knowing how they'd react. And apart from the DCs, what about you? What if you give up your job and your life and he turns out to have all the same issues he did three years ago? I'd never take that risk, myself.

Thanks for all your replies, im going to sleep on it, but i think its obvious its something i dont want to do, and if im unhappy that cant be good for the kids. i think i need to accept the relationship is over and to start a fresh.

Jobs, homes aside, I really believe that he should make this adjustment rather than you. Only because, he caused the split in the first place. Had it been a mutual split, I could see his standpoint ie maybe better for you to move BUT due to the reasons for you leaving I feel he is taking the piss if he expects you and dc to have lives turned upside down AGAIN.

Plus you are not even sure he has changed? Don't do it, if you give it a go and then you realise he has not changed, you can kick him out and then return to some normality immdiately.

I wouldn't say that moving the kids is a total no-no, BUT you would have to be 110% certain that they would be moving to benefit from a healthy, fully functioning family unit and a unified Mum and Dad (I think the positives of this would outweight the disruption of being moved).

The thing is, at this stage I don't see how you can be sure that this would be the case. I'd suggest you spend a whole lot more time with him, establish where he is regarding the drinking, if he is sober, make sure that he isn't simply looking to plug that gap in his life with family - family should be cherished for their own sake, not as replacement therapy for a recovering addict - and that he hasn't plugged the gap with anything else that could cause disruption or pain to you or the DCs. Its likely to take a long while before you can be certain about your chances in the future, but just be patient for everybody's sakes (yours especially). Good luck.

These children still have a Dad; it is he who deprived himself of them and you because he chose alcohol instead.

He may well know that you've always cared about him and is using that emotional tactic on you to his advantage.

Ask yourself why does he wants you back?. Look at this situation coldly and not with rose tinted glasses on. After all he screwed it all up by his very actions. Such people do not change readily even after this amount of time apart. What evidence do you have of change?. He has shown already that he does not want to move to where you all now live.

Exs are ex's often for good reasons and he is an ex for very good reasons. Don't go back to this man; he will get far more out of this arrangement (in that he gets his enabler back!) than you and the children ever would.

Keep moving yourselves forward; why go back to the past?. Your children and you seem happier now; why jeopardise all that for such a selfish creature?.