Sex after children

[samoa]

Dear All,

I have a 9mth old dd. Since the birth my husband and I have not had sex. That is 9months of no sex!!!!!!! I am ready to have sex again, in fact, I cannot wait. But my dp is the one that is not interested. I have spoken to him and he says that he is exhausted from working, from looking for work (because he has a short term contract), and that we fight too much and so he does not feel like it. But I feel that there is something more.

I don't know what to do. I am dying for sex! What should I do? and how long did you all go without sex after the birth of your first child?

THanks

I think the first thing to do is work out what he feels you're fighting about, and try to resolve it. The exhaustion etc is a valid point, but not usually enough to put a bloke off, especially after 9 months of going without.

Is everything else ok in your relationship?

:( oh dear, thats not good.

me and dp were back "in the saddle" after 2 weeks. but i had a section.

but afaik even with a vaginal birth you can do it again after 4-6 weeks (assuming no complications)

some immature men get funny about sex after seeing their partner give birth, could it be that?

We have been fighting a lot recently because we are both exhausted. I am curently not working. He is working on a short term contract and is busy looking for another job in case they do not renew his contract. so he is stressed with that. but this is not a new situation.

He also says that since I have never been a person to have sex everyday he has just stopped trying. I think this is quite ridiculous. We used to have sex twice or three times a week. I found that being on the pill decreased my libido quite a lot.

He also says that it is not as if I have shown any interest since the birth of our dd. If giving him a blowjob (which he enjoyed) is not showing interest then I don't know what is. He has shown no interest in me whatsoever.

He also says I do not make an effort with myself, don't dress sexy etc. I have never been someone that dresses sexy. Since the birth of our dd I have tried to make an effort, put a little bit of makeup on everyday, try to make my hair look normal (I have wild unruly curly hair). I am not feeling that great with my skin at the mo because I keep on gt little acne outbreaks cause of all the hormonal changes.. I am trying to keep this under control.

I don't know, it all seems a bit strange. He says that he loves me etc. I don't know, I am starting to get desperate.

I had a c-section as well and my dp reassures me that it has nothing to do with seeing me giving birth.

awww :( i dont know what to say to be honest samoa, and thats not nice of him to say you arent making the effort, you sound like you are making an affort. you sound like you have quite low self esteem and thats not surprising given your dp's attitude.

how long have you been together? how do you feel about him, do you still love him?

We have been together 7years. I still love him a lot. Just wish we would have sex. Just dont know what to do anymore, and quite frankly I am gagging for it.

Sounds to me like he has distanced himself from you as he has someone else, sprry

This sort of happened with me, but it turned out to be a porn addiction to blame. I'm not at all saying that that's the case here, but it's something that I'd never have even considered, so I thought I'd mention it as a bit of a 'wildcard' suggestion.

I am pretty sure that he doesn't have anyone else. He is still pretty loving towards me but not in a sexual way.

I hadn't thought about porn. maybe i should check his computer

He is loving towards you? Really?!?!

He also says I do not make an effort with myself, don't dress sexy etc

Sounds pretty nasty to me in a disatancing kind of way.........

helpful emmylou

Samoa, you need to talk to your partner.

What it is helpful,if that is op's idea of loving then she her instincts may well be right, there is something more to it, whatever it maybe as that's now what I'd call loving.

I had a lot of the 'you don't make enough of an effort to look nice for me' / 'how can I fancy you when you're always in your pyjamas?' type comments. They weren't even true, so don't beat yourself up about that. Whatever's going on, these are smokescreens.

How good are you at rummaging through computers? It was really easy to find H's porn at first, to the extent that I found it accidentally the first two or three () times, but he got really quite good at hiding it after that. I suppose that if you don't normally look at his computer, nor have you said anything about suspecting porn, he won't be really hiding it if he has any. My H didn't - he was very complacent about the whole thing. He didn't even delete most of it afterwards

I have tried to talk to him several times but he says that i am putting too much pressure on him. I tell him that may be we need to make an appointment to have sex so that we can kickstart our sexual relationship again. He says that he prefers itt to be spontaneous. But this way we are not getting anywhere.

It could just be a rut. In which case, I'm not the best person to give you advice as to how to get out of it. I don't want to be one of those posters who come running in, throwing wild accusations about. I just wish someone had suggested the porn thing to me before I started to find it, because I felt (irrationally) incredibly stupid to have had no prior warning before it was on the screen in front of me.

no porn, just checked

You need to talk to him, but from what you say, I think your instincts are telling you something is not right here and like you say there is something more......

Telling you, you look a mess, don't make an effort anymore, or are not sexy, is not the words of a "loving" man, he sounds detached from you.

That was fast! Well I'm glad that it's not that, but sorry that you still don't know what it is.

well there was no use waiting to see!

sorry, i agree with emmyloulou...and if he hasnt lined up or seeing someone else he doesn't fancy you anymore :(

and i agree with emmy too that his words are NOT the words of a loving man.

Hmm - sorry you have this situation. I've heard that some men go off sex after their partner has a baby. I'm not sure why this is. Did you have a traumatic labour and was he there?

supervixen - you look like Katy Perry - do you get told that all the time??

My dh was with me during the labour. It was quite traumatic and ended up having an emergency c-section. He says that he is not traumatised by it. I don't know what to believe.

lol no never electra :o (but thank you) :o

Well start looking at this "loving" man to see if you can notice anything.

He has gone off sex, won't go near you and criticises your appearance. You first need to realise this is not normal after birth, nor is he being in anyway loving, he is being distant and painting you out to be the reason here as to why he won't have sex with you. He is distancing from you emotionally and physically and trying to "demonise" you with these put downs.

You have to ask why.