My parents relationship

[ZuzuandZara]

My parents relationship has really gone down the pan. They are both 69, married for 45 or so years. Dad is overweight, smokes and drinks far too much, spends too long at the bookies. Mum is slim and looks after herself. They have fairly serious money worries. Dad constantly overspends, mum constantly worries. They keep taking out loans. They are about to downsize their house which will help slightly.

Dad is also a bit of a bully. Over the years there have been lots of occasions where dad has just spoken so nastily to my mum, huge argument, then sulking for a week or so where they barely speak. He is generally a nice bloke but really does have a nasty side. Mum is generally lovely, but can be difficult, as if on purpose sometimes, for example sort of pretending she doesn't understand what you mean, iyswim.

I've never been convinced that they have been that happy, more unhappiness coming from mum, dad seems alright.

Recently, money worries have got worse, dad continues to drink, smoke etc and doesn't seem concerned about money. Mum has really lost any love for him, and says she would leave if she could afford it. She said today 'there's nothing there anymore'.

Mum is negative, she won't suggest relate to him although I know she could go on her own, she says she's tried talking to him, no point trying again. She won't suggest doing anything together - out for lunch etc. If I say she's got to do something because she can't go on like this, she then says she'll stop mentioning it to me because there's nothing that she can do.

I think their relationship has been steadily getting worse over the years, now they just plod along, my mum really miserable, not sure about dad because I don't talk to him about this sort of thing. They never do anything together anymore, except eat meals.

Going to end now because this post is getting long, sorry.

What can I do for them? Anything? Any practical advice, or just be there to listen to mum? The reason I'm posting is to see if I can do anything but also because obviously the situation is really starting to make me miserable. I have young children who mum sees a lot and I really think this is all that's keeping her vaguely smiling at the moment.

Thanks for reading.

bump. anyone?

ok... speaking as someone in a crap marriage, I think it is lovely that you care so much and want to help. My daughter is very supportive of me and from my perspective, I think that just being there, listening and understanding helps enormously.

Can you perhaps get your mum to get out a bit more? Does she have friends or family she can visit or go out with?

I dont really think that you can help with the 'relationship' side directly. But I do think that some time away from her husband will help enormously. It is soul destroying being stuck at home with someone you have no feelings for, let alone 'love'. Also I think your mum is being a bit passive aggressive, and it is often the only way to react to being bullied.

I would imagine the situation has worn her down over the years and (assuming she does not go out all that often) removing her from the atmosphere and the influence of her husband might give her enough of a boost to encourge her to actually take some action.

Iwantwine, thank you so much for answering, and I'm sorry your relationship is not good.

It's very reassuring to know that like your daughter, I may be helping by just listening. I do get a bit angry with mum though, and her unwillingness to try anything to help. Do you think I should stop trying to suggest things, and just shut up and listen? Nothing I suggests seems to help anyway.

I thing both my parents may be fairly passive aggressive.

I'm sure the situation has massively worn her down, she definitely doesn't smile as much as she used to, she has a bigger frown and it really saddens me. I feel sorry for dad in lots of ways too. She is so unloving towards him.

However, she gets out lots. She has lots of friends and goes to various classes throughout the week, sees friends for lunch etc. And spends a lot of time with me.

What action do you think she may take?

Hi, sorry I fell asleep last night mid-reply!

If they are downsizing, are they selling, would there be enough money for them to go their own separate ways then?

Would she be prepared to go for counselling alone? I would if I could because I know it upsets my daughter to see me so deeply unhappy and I have no one else to turn to.

It does not seem as if she has many options apart from getting on with her own life and having as much fun as she can without a partner.

I will be watching this in the hope that someone will come along with some better suggestions.

I understand that it is difficult for you when you mum seems unable, or unwilling to help herself more.

This is a sad tale - and maybe the fear of any of us who might be stuck in unsatisfactory relationships, not doing anything about them, and letting time slip away, is to end up in situations similar to your poor parents. I've even heard of one elderly couple, in their eighties, both ill and both loathing each other, hanging on to life just to try and outlive the other.

I feel sorry for your mother, who as an older woman probably has lower levels of self-esteem and assertiveness than younger women. Probably both of your parents carry the weight of the concept of marriage being for life (therefore, logically, there is nothing one can do about it).

However your focus is for your kids, and in the long run you cannot save your mother, or your father. You are being remarkably patient and loving (I'm sure I would be irritated in your place.) Is it possible that maybe you listen to your mother too much - thus giving her the chance to discharge her emotional energy that way? Maybe without that outlet she might be forced to confront the situation a little more directly.

Just thoughts, which I hope don't appear unkind.

Thank you both for replying.

I don't think there is enough money to go their own ways, I'm not sure mum has actually told dad this is what she would like to do anyway, although the situation seems to be getting worse daily so it may come to this.

I have suggested counselling, I'm not she's a believer in therapy, she's pretty old school in many ways. Will perhaps suggest again, I do think it would help. Will have to look into costs for her as money is a big issue.

almostgrownup, I think you're right, time has just slipped by. I wish in many ways they had parted years ago, would have been easier when they were a little younger and had a bit more money. And again you're right re marriage for life thing. I remember a friend of my mums who's husband kept having affairs years ago and I asked my mum why she didn't leave him. 'what would she do on her own?' was her reply. I cannot save them, it just saddens me so much. Don't know if I listen too much or not, I feel like that's all I can do for her really. I'm not sure what she could do if she confronted the situation more. I think she feels sad, fed up, stuck, scared. Nothing you say is unkind and I really appreciate your thoughts.

Is there really not enough for half to buy one of those retirement apartments?

I don't know cargirl. That's not something I've talked about in that finer detail with mum. Possibly there is. It's all getting a bit real, but I think it is something I'll approach her about at some point. They've always lived in quite nice houses with a nice garden, which mum loves to be in, they both do tbh, dad is a very out doorsy person. I know a retirement place isn't the end of the world, in fact it's a good option in many ways, it's just something that I've never thought about for them before, especially seperatley. Thanks.

What about your dad's role in this? It sounds to me like he is burying his head in the sand - perhaps knowing deep down that things are not right, but distracting himself with the booze, cigarettes and bookies. To be honest it sounds as though they have developed in different directions. That would be OK as long as they are both tolerant of each other and are managing to have their needs met in other ways - but it doesn't sound as though they are.

Downsizing won't be good as they won't be able to keep out of each other's way as easily, and will irritate each other even more.

If they are not the types to even consider separation, then they must take some small steps to improving their day-to-day relationship. This takes some mediation and a Relate person really would best placed to do this - definitely not you! Probably this first step is for your mum to say to your dad - "I'm not very happy at the moment - how about you? Are there some practical ways you can think of to make things a bit better for us?"

Almostgrownup, that all makes sense.

In a way I wondered if downsizing may be good, at the moment they rattle about in a fairly big house barely communicating. They are moving into a flat (spacious but still a flat) and I wondered if being forced together may make them communicate a bit more. The flat is only a temp move before they buy a smaller house. All very stressful all this moving - just what they need!

You're right of course, that I'm not playing a very good relate role!

From talking to my mum, it does seem that they have spoken a bit about their problems, I don't really know much about this side of their relationship, that is, how they really communicate when the rest of the family isn't around. Dad has told mum that she isn't loving, I hate to think what mum has told dad, I bet it's a long list! I just can't imagine them having such a 'nice' conversations as 'how can we make things better for us', it just seems to be constant snapping and snidey remarks.

I will carry on listening to mum, and maybe making gentle suggestions.

I appreciate the comments everyone, I'm not sure there is anything I can really do, but it's therapeutic to be able sound off at least. DH is great too. Any more thoughts very welcome.