Xmas more than a month away but am already in tears...

[MrsGuyOfGisbourne]

I know I am being unreasonable in my rection to this which is why I am not posting in the AIBU thread, just wondered if anyone else out there is dreading it. DH has just emailed me to tell me that DSD2 is coming for Xmas. She is 22, very bolshie, selfish & lazy, which in itself is tolerable, but is openly contemptuous of us because we have jobs etc - she can't understand why people work when they could lounge around and dream of being a billionaire... When she wasa teenager it was understandable - any tennager who doesn't reject a bourgouis lifestyle would be a bit suspect, but now it has just got a bit old. She is only coming because her mother an stepfather have made it clear they can't stand another Xmas with her being unpleasant to everyone. ( SHe is at Uni - second year). To put it in context, last year her mother was taken to hospital with a suspected stroke two days before Xmas, so her step dad did his best to make lunch etc, and got a bollocking for the rubbish meal.
DH told her that our house is not trad in Xmas terms, we have a light lunch, then later we'll have turkey, but in a low key, light way, can't stand all the trimmings. So she sent back an outragesd email saying SHE would cook it then if we 'couldn't be bothered'.
I know this is a stupid thing to upset me - just has a shitty day at work so just not good timing.
Notrmally we get on okay because there are no expectations, but Xmas just seems loaded with baggage and I'm dreading it...
Asked him what her plans are - he sais she's not sure - will come ' a few days before' and stay 'a few days after'

Well, she's a grown up not a child. So I'd tell her that if she didn't feel like being polite and pleasant she could sod off quite frankly.

I'm with ChickensHaveNoLips,what a cheeky madam! I would decline her kind invitation to come and stress me out.

No, its not a stupid thing at all to get upset over and no you are also not being unreasonable.

BTW her being bolshie, lazy and selfish are NOT traits which are in themselves tolerable. You would not put up with such from a friend, she is truly no different. Do not allow yourselves to be railroaded in such a manner by this woman.

Who invited this woman over for Christmas anyway or did she basically invite herself over for the holidays?. I would uninvite this woman immediately due to her overbearing attitude and ongoing issues with anger.

Can't you encourage her to go and have some kind of overseas adventure this year?

Sitting around stropping in your parents' house seems a bit childish for a young lady of 22.

i would deffo tell her, as an adult that she is being extremely rude.

the more she gets away with it the more she's going to do it.

talk to dh.

Buy her a frozen turkey dinner and serve her that

whos paying for her lifestyle now?

You need to be firm and cut her dead when she starts acting like a cow
'i'm sorry but we do not tolerate those kinds of words in our house'
if your dh has no balls to stand up to her send him out with your other kids (do you have others) for an hour , sit her down and set her straight - tell her she can like it or lump it
tell your dh if he dorsnt say something you will so that she doesn't play you off against each other
I'd also email and ask her exactly how long she's coming for and tell her she'll need to contribute

Be clear with dh - his child is of course welcome but like any child - she is expected to help out a little, be polite and not inflict stress on anybody. If she starts pushing it then he will take her straight home.

I knoe exactly what you mean about Christmas being loaded with baggage. For some reason we all feel duty bound to spend it with relatives we actually don't like and hardly ever see; everyone has their own ideas about how Christmas should be run and if someone does it differently they throw a strop; kids get high on chocolate, adults on alcohol.....It sounds like you are trying to organise a nice, laid back (the best kind) Christmas and this woman is going to trample all over it.

Anyway - you need to speak to your dh and tell him to speak to her. For starters, he should lay down some ground rules. Remember it is your house and she is the guest. You tell her how the day will go, and if she doesn't like it she doesn't need to come. Tell her how long she is welcome to stay.

It sounds like there may be some real unhappiness propelling her behaviour. I am not defending her but is there any reason why she is still behaving like a teenager? Do you think she feels left out of the family?

I know it's not in AIBU but for the record YANBU! 22 is only a year younger than me FFS there is no excuse to be like that at her age. She is an adult and I agree with those who say she can make her own plans if she's not willing to be nice.

Agree with stranded here.
Also along with telling her of your exoectations put down her jobs to do, looking after littleones. washing up, monopoly monitor,
Just inform her how it's done in your house and if there is any little traditon she would like to entertain e.g. going to church to celebrate this christian of christian days she's very welcome.
Put her on the back foot by expectin good behaviousr.

Think you need to get DH on side first about how you tackle her as if you say one thing and he doesn't back you up all your credibility is lost. At 22 she needs a serious reality check about what it means to be an adult, I'd just put myself through Uni, moved to the other end of the country, was running a multi-million £ retail store and buying 1st house!

She's gotta pitch in with running the household whilst she's with you, that's a given as any good guest would. Could you give her specific tasks to do whilst she's there?

If talking to her like an adult doesn't work, ultimately hit her where it hurts...no cash, no free access to booze/food/the car/no lifts here and there.

If she can keep getting away with this behaviour why would she change?

Also have a word with DH - he emailed to say she was coming - no consultation with you first?!

You are actually not being unreasonable, if anything I'd say you are being too understanding and nice!!

If she came to my house aged 22 and behaved like a stroppy 13 year old in the way you describe, she'd be put in her place PDQ and have my foot up her backside to boot!

I would speak to DH and ask him to make clear to her your expectations of her visit.

I took on my first shop when I was 21, I still want to know whos paying for her lifestyle

Thanks - feel less tearful now - love you ladies.
Dh said a few weeks back she had asked if she could come, and I said of course, because she is his daughter and he loves her, and I love him, and I don't expect her to be on her best behaviour when she is with family - family is a place where you don't have to pretend. Obviously it is we who are funding her. I have never commented on this unless asked specifically by DH - he finds it frustrating that she is only in her second year at Uni having frittered way her time failing a levels, and the degree she is doing (fine art) is not likely to lead to funding of the kind of lifestyle she would aspire to (she does sometimes ask about our wills )
Anyway, hen DH got home he said he had told her there are ground rules when she comes:
1.Eat with us as a family, not turn her nose up at food offered and then make herself a sandwich

1. participate in some (not all) of what we are doing as a family and not spend the whole time on facebook

Bsically, if she does those, I am fine - the younfer DC think she is a bit strange ( her sister DSD1 is entirely different) thank you so much, I don't feel so pathetic now.....

I'd be signing her up for a volunteer place with Crisis At Christmas to keep her busy and see outside her own world.

Hopefully she'll appreciate the boundaries.

Get your DH to have a look at the current thread on if anything can be done to help people with personality disorders to get a feel of just why it is so so damaging to spoil and indulge. She may have been truly, deeply hurt by her parents' divorce and scared by her Mum's illness - all the more reason to give her strict boundaries (and showing her love of course too).

aww good on your dh, he sounds sound.
have a lovely xmas