husband doesnt help much

[alisonsmum]

hi

just wondering if im over-reacting or if i actually have something to complain about.

my husband does help with our little one (13 months) but thats all he does. he doesnt do housework at all unless i specifically ask can u out that pile of clothes in the machine. he doent do anything like that off his own back n i always end up getting upset

we both work, him full time and me part time but the day after ive been at work i run round like a nutter catching up on washing n hoovering that i should have done yesterday wen i was at work.

yesterday he was day off and i worked. he did nothing but 'watch' our little one. oh i lie lol he did put the pile of washing in the machine that i specifically asked him to. then this morning he complained there was no bread n asked if i was going to the supermarket...wtf he didnt see this yesterday!

Stop thinking of it as "helping" - you are jointly responsible for running the household, including any tasks that involves.

When he asks stupid questions about when the bread is going to fall down from heaven, I presume you call him on it?

Have you pointed out to him how deeply unsexy helpless dependence is in an adult?

I think if you want him to do things "ask". Be clear about it. Sit down and talk about how you both work and he needs to help more. Give him some specific tasks that are his to do perhaps?

These sort of things begin as an irritation but then begin to eat away and build resentment. So you need to deal with this now iyswim?

i feel like the things i 'ask' him to do are to 'help' me and i feel im always nagging n getting stroppy before he does help. we have sat down before n decided i should give him a list of jobs to do...but why cant he just see what needs doing? mmmmm maybe the list is the way to go

spidookly...i did say i wasnt gonna be getting bread today n why didnt he think of it yesterday. he didnt say anything really to defend himself.

i dont want to live in a war zone or always seem to be in a mood. i just want him to be more considerate that i always clean the house n have shopping n food in and make something for tea that useually doesnt involve just shoving something in the oven.

Stop thinking of it as "helping" - you are jointly responsible for running the household, including any tasks that involves

This, you need to talk to him about how the household chores aren't yours for him to 'help' with if he's asked - they're joint tasks that need doing.

By implying that he's helping you, rather than just doing his contribution it encourages him to believe that they are your jobs to do.

I hope you didn't go and buy bread when he pointed out there wasn't any!!

Don't ask him to do things.

Have conversations about what needs doing and figure out between you what needs doing.

e.g. "how are we going to organise getting this week's shopping in?"

Then discuss who will get it, when they will get it, what items need to be on the list

someone needs to do menu planning, the other person can write the shopping list based on what they've decided.

One person goes to the shops while the other looks after the kids/makes dinner (depending on the time of day).

Coming up to the weekend you might say something like:

"right, what jobs need to be done this weekend?"

What follows can be a conversation based on what both of you think is important to get done and you can also figure out when each of you, and all of you will have some time to relax.

So you might decide - Saturday morning let's do laundry, change all the bedding, general tidy up downstairs, Saturday afternoon I'd like a couple of hours to myself to work on a personal project, Sunday morning whose lie in is it? Sunday afternoon I'll take the kids to the park, do you want to have some time to yourself or should we all go out together?

Don't EVER accept responsibility for all the jobs. Don't rate your times as less important than his. Don't ever talk about him "helping" you.

If work needs to be done and it is his to do and he is ignoring it - TELL him to do it.

Don't ask, don't nag, don't wheedly or cajole. Just tell him he needs to do it.

If he still won't then you will need to think about separating. Make sure he knows that refusing to do his share is unreasonable behaviour and you could divorce him for it.

the reason he doesn't do much is becasue if he doesn't you do it for him.

simples.

you are actually helping him - by doing all his share of the housework for him.

Sorry stubborn, no dice.

You can't expect a woman and her children to live in a half-cleaned house because the man of the house is a lazy fuckhead.

I'm not saying it's easy ---- but anyone who has a full time live in servant, is never going to do their own tidying up....

But yes, a half clean house is a problem - the first thing i would recommend OP to do is to focus on the house stuff, and quit doing all personal services for DH.

• his washing
• his ironing
• cooking for him (other than as part of a family meal.. ie no special meals cooked for him.. eg when gets home from work)
• picking his clothes up from floor
• cleaning toilet after him

etc etc etc.

that will make a point. Then perhaps this is a basis for discussion about dividing responsibility for functions by trading

• I'll do all the clothes washing, inc yours, if you do all the... whatever.

The point is that domestic work is a shared responsibility. You are not his servant. SPidoookly's advice is very good because it doesn't allow him the excuse of 'Oh I don't notice what needs doing/I don't know how to do it.'
I would aslo sugest telling him that men who do their fair share of domestic work (the way to work out fair shares is that each of you have the same amount of leisure time) get more and better sex.

stubborn

so she should continue to do all the work but just not pick up after him and do his ironing?

Er, no.

spidookly

as I said in my post, actually, that's a first step

• it makes a point, and makes it well
• it's a bargaining point from which to start a discussion about how do go forward

at the moment OP is doing ALL the housework AND being his personal valet.

• it's hard to just quit doing housework (house gets dirty, she cracks first)
• quitting being a Valet is a much easier start. There's no reason why you ever need to start up again, until you've cracked the housework problem.

it makes the point that she is prepared to do all the work of looking after the household while "punishing" her husband by expecting him to look after himself.

Why the fuck is she picking up after him or washing his clothes? He is big enough and bold enough to do that for himself.

The start of the conversation is an assumption that they will share the rest of the work and a clear indication that no refusal will be tolerated.

This isn't a negotiation, this is a final demand:

Do your share you shirking bastard!

sigh

yes, why won't these frustrating women do as they are told, huh?

"I'm not saying it's easy ---- but anyone who has a full time live in servant, is never going to do their own tidying up...." Really?

If my husband ran around after me acting as my personal servant, I would not rub my hands with glee and this 'hah sucker, I'll never lift a finger again.' I would think, 'hmm it isn't fair to treat my partner like this.'

(Not saying that is what you partner is doing OP)

Spidookly talks sense.

A list is the way to go.

Sit down with him on a day when you both have some breathing space and calmly tell him how you feel about the house and the current division of labour. Keep it focused on "how we can improve" don't dwell on past mistakes or start blaming.

(Having prepared this thoroughly in advance) draw up a list of all the things that need doing in the house and generally once a week, once a month, once every six months.

Together, through negotiation, allocate tasks for yourself and tasks for him. If he enjoys hoovering and you like cooking then try and factor that it. If possible and it suits you, work out a weekly cleaning plan ie main clean on such and such a day, one load of washing a week, recycling on Tuesday, food shopping Wednesday, taking dc swimming Friday etc etc. (Flylady website will help with this.)

(Make sure cleaning materials are up-to-date and easily accessible and that the tasks within the list are "concrete" ie "dust and hoover sitting room once a week" or "all toys to be put away every night" not just something vague like "keep sitting room tidy".)

In my experience men respond quite well to this sort of factual "definite" approach.

It works because there is clarity. And dispels the woolly ground-hog-day-ish-ness that cleaning can become. Each of you know what specific task you have to do and when. And it also serves as a good reminder to your dh HOW much there is to do.

Shake on the fact that either of you can only digress from the list by agreement from the other. It's quite satisfying when you both cross off your lists every week. I know it sounds rather anal but it does work I promise!

stillconfounded is on the right track, IMO, it's about dividing and taking responsibility functions, not allocating/delegating daily tasks

Lists and rotas are for flatmates.

The bossy flatmate makes the rota, everyone else complains about it and does as little as possible until eventually it is ignored again.

"Make sure cleaning materials are up-to-date and easily accessible"

No, no, no, no.

This is a shared job.

If you have to do that much chivvying you might as well just do the bloody work yourself.

Sharing work fairly, collaboration on project "home", if you will, involves open lines of communication about what needs to be done, and who is available to do it.

It does not mean one bit showdown conversation where one person is treated like a teenager being given a list of chores by his Mum.

each to their own spidooky

I'm just posting what worked for me in the hope that it might be helpful

And the lists are negotiated, agreed upon and written by both of us.

dont bother asking him, tell him this is what needs doing today when i am at work, he is not doing you a favour he is just doing what needs to be done in order for the house to continue running smoothly, it may take a while for you to get the message throught o him, many months in fact, these men are not always quick on the uptake, even after 12 years of havin kids and me working part time H still likes to tell me what he has done when i was at work, i dont expect to find the house in a worse state than when i left it, but like i said it has taken me years to get him to realise this, in the past i have left the tin of baked beans with saucepan and bread out on kitchen unit for their tea and he has still taken them to KFC!

I have the same problem with my lazy arse of a and at his own request I now tell him what needs to be done... and now I resent him just as much, if not more.

It'n not really about sharing the tasks, it's about sharing the responsibility. That includes the responsibility of being able to see what needs doing and think about what and when the kids might eat.

Spidookly summed it up beautifully...

Have you pointed out to him how deeply unsexy helpless dependence is in an adult?

Might explain why of gone off sex with him...

why I've gone off...

thankyou everyone for your help. we gonna have a list of things that need to be done wen im at work..will see if it helps n i kinda like telling him what do with the chores so we giving it a go

Perhaps this is the way he was treated at home by his mother and sisters. We're all products of our environment to an extent.

If that's his case, be a bit understanding, but firm. Perhaps a conversation about it can change the situation.