expectations of friends in adulthood

[needsometips]

I struggle with friendships a bit, and was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on how friendships should be once you are past the school age stage.
Life is busy now with a baby around and balancing work in the mix - just day to day life doesn't leave that much spare time.
I'm trying to make an effort more with people but am worried about falling short of people's expectations.
I think this insecurity is stemming from a friend who fell out with me last year, and accused me of dropping her; and while I tried to make it up to her, and make allowances that she was emotionally unsettled at the time and taking it out on me, the friendship has died. She is a busy mum too so I was a bit

Now I worry that if I don't hear from someone they might be annoyed or are dropping me (as this girl did with me) - rather than the assumption that they are busy with life.

So how do friendships fit into the mix of life, busy as it is, with families now, as opposed to carefree days of school and uni when we had all the time in the world?

And how can I be a better friend? What can you expect of a friend and vice versa?

Sorry to hear you feel sad about this. I'm sure you are a good friend - the fact that you are troubled to post for advice on making friendships work hints at that!

I'm afraid that if your 'friend' has 'dropped you' then there is a dose of immaturity at play.

Adult friendships need work, of course, but shouldn't require a quota of your time or some target that you are measured against. They naturally ebb and flow and when you do get together they key is that you enjoy each others company, whether thats a 5 min phone call every week or a meet up once a year.

Your priority is your little family now, but you will make new friends and aqcuiantances through the mum network. Some of my loveliest friends were stumbled upon this way.

So don't fret, and let it go.

Good post from Tira about ebb and flow.

I think what you can expect from and offer to friends is the same throughout life: that you care for them, enjoy their company, have things to talk about, want them to be happy, are prepared to support them if they need it

how much time is available for all those things varies enormously at different stages if life, but the basics of strong regard and fun don't really change.

Good friends don't expect a chunk of your time as a right and more concerned with having fun with you when schedules allow than with issuing demands.

Thanks both of you. That's how I see it too - just was a bit rocked by what my friend said and wanted to check what others thought.
Really appreciate the replies.

I think the mark of a true friend is that you can not see them/speak to them for ages and when you finally do, you just pick up where you left off with no recriminations.

I have a few friends friends that I have known for the best part of 30 years so in many ways they are like family to me. Some of them I have not been in contact with for a long time but I don't consider the friendships over - our lives are just busy at the moment, we live far apart & hopefully we will see more of each other in a few years when our dcs are less demanding... I met one recently who I had not heard from or seen for over 7 years, was no awkwardness, just lovely to catch up again...

Yes, totally agree Decor.

Yes - I agree too. Time is showing who is in that category I guess. Feeling a lot better about this all now.

In the last year I have worked part-time, run a small business, studied for the first year of a degree as well as being a wife and mother. My friends have understood when I was too tired or busy to get together and have been supportive and understanding all the way. I am so lucky.
The 'friend' that dropped you isn't worth your anxiety. Life changes and people move on. I wouldn't take it too personally (although I understand why you are hurt) and, as Cat 64 says, you will find your social circle widening anyway. :)