Putting this here so the stately homers will see it... It's Nemofish here...

[nemofish]

Have found the last 2 days hard. Thoughts of overdosing, thoughts of kicking the living shit out of dh's ex-gf, I just have so much anger, and I am being an arsehole 50% of the time to dh - and if I'm honest to dd. I am snapping at her and impatient, I lecture her and raise my voice. Normally I am like a mix of mary poppins and mother theresa! But not atm.

I have given up my usual self harming / comfort things (now that I can see thats what they are)

• codeine tablets
• nytol / sleepeaze/ diphenhydramine
• caffeine
• diet coke
• chocolate / biscuits / cakes / muffins etc

I feel awful, I feel low, tearful, angry, sad, angry again, heartbroken, I miss my dad, I want it all to go away. I want to be a noraml person and live a normal life, be able to go out and have fun and work - will I ever be able to do that? To feel good? I don't know.

I would love a pill to make it all okay - but that would just be another addiciton. I know I have to hold on until the counselling appointment. I know that I will feel shit as I am used to having and using all these self destructive 'coping' (Pah!) strategies, and now suddenly I have to find new ones. I have started a journal and write in it every day, i write about alternative to cravings and stuff. I have an order of rubber wrist bands coming. Ping! (Ouch!)

Please tell me it will be okay, it will be alright. Tell me I will get through this.

I am thinking of reporting abuse to the police too, when I am stable. Whenever that will be. I wish I could be able to see the look on mum's face...

nemo It will be ok I promise. You are already on the right track. Perhaps you are asking a lot of yourself to get rid of all coping mechanisms in one go?
One lady on here had a cricket bat and ball and used to spend an hour each day using them to expel some of the anger. Could you do this or something similar?
You are doing great, really you are...you just dont see it yet

That's a good idea - I never would have thought of that, seriously, anger has never been a part of my 'able to express' emotions. And now I have however many years worth all at once. Shit.

Is there a cricket bat big enough?

I know, but I was always told to suppress my anger. That's not healthy, and there are healthy ways to express it.
By the way it was a football she used, it does have to be head sized after all [evil grin]

Can I draw a face on? Or is that a bit sick and wrong? The neighbours will think I'm even more of a loon!

Was going to suggest that actually in last post but was worried you would think me a sadist.
Bugger the neighbours, if they knew they would probably say 'good for you nemo'.

ah Nemo, I am sorry that your emotions are so strong. I remember when I realised that I had been abused and as I got stronger I began to get that horrible rage you describe, I wanted to harm some of the people causing the damage to me and my children, I obviously did nothing about it, i would have probably been put in prison if i had have gone near a certain person at one stage! That level of anger does pass, wacking the sofa with a tennis racket helps a bit also, the best thing is simply time...

Nemo, I am pleased that you wrote on here instead of carrying through your intentions of self harm. I wonder if you have thought of ringing the samaritans? I rang them when I was in a state during that anger stage, I also felt like ending my life due to the abuse that was then ongoing as I was so trapped! I must warn you that there will be some people that will wind you up, I remember I was angry and the last thing I wanted was some busy body asking me questions for their own ends from the samaritans, what i wanted was to be listened to and have someone coax the pain out of me, not to ask me intraciate information that was making me angrier.... what I would suggest if you get a plonker is put the phone down and ring again... there are about half plonkers at the samaratans, I just wonder about the training some of those people have really..... I have a feeling they are not trained counsellors, but I don't know.... and half decent people who you can talk it through with who will listen to you, and at the end of it you will feel calm and have aleviated the anger... well that is how I coped with that period of time in my life...

I have no experience in any of this,

I have no advice for you, only admiration.

You are doing the kindest thing you can to yourself, and it WILL be OK. I know there are so many wonderful women and men on MN, that you will get some wonderful advice.

I give you my warmest

Hello Nemofish

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad and in such an intense way. I think I hear that you are feeling like you want ways to get away from these intense feelings because they are causing you so much anguish and that you are taking it out on others?

Please firstly drop any guilt feelings (if you have any) about this episode. You are waiting on counselling and you have worked and continue to work very hard to feel better. I see you as a person with very strong morals and with a lot of courage. This is just a bit of a set-back.

I second TRS and gently suggest that you don't have to give up all coping mechanisms at once. You should also focus on being kind to yourself at this time. Baths, nice things, go horseriding, brisk walk - whatever makes you feel valued. Maybe start on some Christmas decorations / cards with your daughter. I find glue and sequins very therapeutic and then you can spend some nice time together without really having to talk much as you'll be focussing on the task. I get a lot of glitter and craft stuff at the pound shop - it doesn't need to cost a fortune.

If my advice sounds glib or inappropriate then I apologise. I know what keeps me level but obviously everyone's different.

Have a good day today and keep posting.

Hi Nemofish

So sorry you are hurting.It can be very intense
at times,I know.

It will not always feel this bad.
It could be that the intensity you are feeling is the start of the healing,the upward curve.

As you know,once we start to really experience the rawness of those painful memories ,and emotions ,without pills and stuff to take the edge off,we get a tidal wave of all the hurt we've been avoiding for so long.

It's really tough.You are doing really well to hang in there.Don't beat yourself up if you resort to using something "unhealthy".Like others have said,it's maybe too much to drop all that stuff in one go.On the other hand,that works for some.Kind of "cold turkey".I couldn't do it like that.The first thing I dropped was scratching and punching myself,but looking back,I replaced these with negative thoughts - internalised verbal abuse.Looking back,I should have taken it more slowly - we use these coping strategies to help us cope,after all.

Once you engage with the counselling - and don't forget,getting a safe relationship going could take a while - you may find it easier to work on alternatives,and drop the other stuff bit by bit - titrate,iwswim.

Also,starting to get in touch with feelings,in counselling,can feel even more intense,as you start to bring into your concious thoughts,the stuff that you've been locking away and dealing with in your own way.

I hope this doesn't sound too grim.It's actually hopeful and positive that you are in this place now.

But it just doesn't feel like it.
Can you ask your gp for some prescribed meds that can help take the edge off?

I have been where you are now.
I am not there any more.And this most recent experience with my xp,awful though it was,still did not result in me revisiting the intensity of that initial ,intense rawness.

Sometimes I get frightened that I'm heading there again.Sometimes I touch it for a morning,or a few hours at night. But it passes.And each time it passes,I am stronger,and more trusting that I am really not there any more.

These things,these people,experiences,nightmares,dreadful events,the abuse,are over.They are not happening now.It is just the feelings that you blocked out when they were happening,and since then,which are rising to the surface as you are now in a safe enough place to begin to really deal with them,process them and lay them to rest.
These feelings will one day be in a place within you that you feel strong enough to carry.A part of you that you can accept and integrate into all the experiences -good as well as bad - that have contributed to making you the strong,lovable and much loved and valued woman -mother and partner and friend that you are now.

Stay strong and keep posting.

pinemartina. Your post is very positive and I am glad you are doing well.

OP. I am experiencing tremendous anger and even rage (and I really am not like that as a person, probably classed as a quiet, gentle sort of person). But, I have lost control of my emotions this weekend re anger and feeling rage. I have been doing so well for the last few months. My anger is related to a marriage breaking down with my H (we are still together). I know why I am angry and feel rage towards him, and I tell myself I have good reason.

I have been so good at bottling up my anger towards him and, ok, I am human and I have lost control of it this weekend. I am now on a guilt trip because we have dc and I am now being hard on myself that I was angry mum most of the weekend and was snappy at them.

Now I feel like crying. And I can't cry. I don't know whether because I have cried so much over my situation for so many years.

Like another poster, I may go and find my eldest son's baseball bat now and hit a cushion.

But, in my situation, my getting angry is used by my h as his take on me that I am crazy, a lunatic, mental ............

OP, I am having to tell myself it is ok to get angry sometimes.

I have been told that any emotions are bad by my H for years. It is okay for him to get angry and to have raged (far far worse than I do!!!!!!!). But apparently none of that ever happened - it was in my imagination.

Sorry, if I am not being very helpful. I, too, am sick of feeling angry, upset, angry, upset........ and I am in counselling. So it is good you are going to have that support as well.

Just to say I understand how unbearable these strong emotions are. I too have my coping mechanism (which I will not be able to do without yet) as I have to take sleeping tablets. I don't want to. But, I really do not think I can do without this coping mechanism with the turmoil being in my marriage has created in everyday life.

Yes, the anger is mad isn't it? I went through this a couple of months ago. I was raging!

The amazing thing is that it does pass, yet you don't have to compromise yourself in order for it to pass. Does that make sense? Previously, like you, I would indulge in lots of chaotic and risky behaviours to deal with the unacknowledged anger. Now it's like I don't have the hangover.

I'm also an advocate of prescribed medication in these situations. Intelligent GPs will prescribe sleeping pills and ADs. I was on sleeping pills for a year, not so much with the ADs as they helped me hold my life together whilst going through all this crap.

Take care as always.

Hi Nemo

You will be OK and it will get better. xx

I've found as I'm gradually sorting our my 'problems' that my bad coping mechanisms have dropped off all by themselves.

So I'd perhaps not worry too much about stopping all my coping mechanisms until I was well into therapy and had some other good coping mechanisms in place first.

As for the anger...I am a trampoline bouncer and a boxer when needed.

I have a kids punch bag hanging in the garage...that and my imagination allow me to 'get my own back' in a safe way.

QueenofWhatever is right. Don't give yourself a harder time than you already are having with all the intense feelings of anger etc...

Your props will become less necessary as your well-being improves, but so what if you need them now. Give yourself a break.

Nemo I promise that it does get better. I found that it helped to sob and cry and wail and shout and scream. I did that to the point of being physically sick, but it didn't matter because it was getting the rage and the hurt and all that overwhelming emotion, OUT.

You will be ok, you already are a survivor.

(((nemo)) xx

I think I am going to print this thread off and put it in my journal. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me, it is great to know for sure that it is not just me being me because I am 'mentally abnormal' (thanks, again, mum!)

I just wanted to you to know that I think you're totally awesome and just by writing that you were feeling so bad proves it so have a huge from me.

When you're ready, come to the fun room and I'll share my bikkits with you :)

I can relate to the way you're feeling at the moment and want you to know that I'm thinking of you.
Safe and warm hugs x