WWYD - Bipolar disorder in DCs?

[HelpMeMama]

Name change 'cos DH knows my nickname... long, sorry!

I have a gorgeous 18mo DD who I completely dote on. I had pretty bad PND after the birth, which was only diagnosed 8months after, so took a while for the meds etc to kick in. All happiness now though! Hooray!

When DD was 2 months old,I found out something about DH that shocked me to the core. His brother has always been a bit strange (4 children from 4 marriages by the age of 35, compulsive liar, aggressive, moody, violent - bad in a policeman who carries a gun!) but I had thought it was just his way. It turns out that he has Bipolar disorder,but refuses to take his meds. This is pretty bad, but it turns out that there are other mental health issues in DH's family - of his 12 aunts & uncles on his fathers side, 6 of them were also Bipolar and four of those 6 have committed suicide! I found out because his favorite aunt killed herself in a hotel room near us - when DD was 2 mo old - but I am struggling to deal with this revelation... I know that my PND probably had a lot to do with my reaction at the time, but even now, 16 mo later, I can't stop thinking about it...

DH is apparently a prime candidate to carry this disorder and there is a very, very good chance that DD has the gene too... I am so angry at him, and myself, for potentially putting such a terrible burden on a happy child! She is so beautiful, perfect in her innocence, and yet lurking under the surface could be this terrible affliction... I have worked with many bipolar sufferers in my student days reading Psychology, and would not want to wish their unhappiness on anyone,least of all my beautiful girl!

I know I'm sounding crazy - we don't know if she has it yet, or even if she carries the gene but AIBU to feel betrayed by DH? I had NO idea that such a terrible legacy could be passe on to my baby - I have seen, first hand, the depths to which a bipolar sufferer can fall and its so hard to think DD could be like that one day... Part of methinks that we shouldn't have another child - because its not fair to them to have this hanging over their heads... OTOH I really want to give DD a brother or sister as companion and friend, but not with these defective genes! I want another baby, but not with DH... aaaargh, I'm so confused and angry and ranting and sounding crazy - tell me its not so bad please!! Or that I'm rioght to not inflict this on another baby, and that 1 DC is the right number to have?

Don't panic!

It is not as bad as all that. If your DH is well and hasnt had manic or depressive illness in the past then he is unlikely to be affected or carry the gene.

Bipolar disorder is often found in extremely bright individuals, peak age of onset is nineteen.

Like you I have realised that I have had children with someone from a family strongly affected by this illness. One of my DC has been ill but is now well again and is the loveliest brightest person you could hope to meet.

Don't blame your DH, it is not something he has any control over and he has not acted badly. He probably feels as bad as you do about the possibility your DC could be affected.

Get more information and learn as much as you can. That will help you.

Thinking of you with sympathy.

my ex has MH issues (looks like bipolar to me but he never admits to his ups to GP) - my DC may too develop MH issues...i will deal when it happens. not before.

my ds has a very rare chomosome disorder - it happened. genetic lottery.

neither of you are responsible for your genes. neither of you are putting a burden on her - because i doubt that you have gone thru blood tests and have specific identified genes. you can surmise from family pattern but you can't know for sure. and even if you have identified a bipolar gene - you can ever know exactly how it will manifest in an individual. too many unknowns there...

dont burden a two year old or yourself. if it happens you will deal with it.

and you refer to a "favourite aunt" - so presumably she had many good points to her life...maybe a life isnt all bad even when afflicted by bipolar? read some biogs of more famous "sufferers"....it is a pain for sure - but so are many things that happen in life...so your child may turn out bipolar - but may turn out to be highly intelligent/artistic/gifted etc with it.

and - if you can identify this illness in a child then there is a chance that - maybe - you can set a pattern to - hopefullly - take meds and not refuse them.

but unless you actually have an identified specific gene - then you can't test for it and you can't do much except deal with what happens....when it happens. you are not repsonsible for your genes and for which ones you pass on.

unless you actually can test for a specific gene, and you know its precise outcome (eg a decision taken based on carrying a gene which you know will definitively cause a death in a child born with that gene, say, like tay sachs disease.) then you cannot take on that responsibility....

what defective genes anyway? has any been identified by a blood test? you have no certainty that your DH carries a specific gene and/or that your Dd has such a specific gene.

and we all carry defective genes of one kind or another - any future child could win any one of many genetic lotteries - if you have one healthy child and dont want to risk "anything" then dont have another...

you say it is your BIL with bipolar - not your DH anyway. but if you v. worried you could speak to a genetic counsellor....

with family pattern they may say risks are slightly higher based on statistics - but that's pretty meaningless really. either you want another child and you prepared to "risk" many different genetic possibilities - (of which MH issues may only be the one you know of) or you do not. egg meeets sperm is always a chancy businesss - 90 to 99 per cent of the time it works out just fine. the rest - any number of issues from congenital to other problems or accidents/disease that hit in later life.

you came thru PND - you will also help your child(ren) to come thru whatever they face.

I can tell you this much: if your kid does ever develope bipolar disorder, I feel awful for her. God help her. She's going to need it, with a parent who thinks she's "defective" and "doomed."

Please believe me when I say I am asking this in a well-meaning way. I have been struggling with how to ask this in the most gentle way possible, because I am worried that it may come across clumsily.

Do you think you are perhaps a little over-anxious about this? And might it still be connected to an earlier period of anxiety?

Your response of anger, and sense of betrayal, towards your husband seems very striking.

C'estlavie's post struck me as very reassuring, but it occurs to me that your response to your situation exceeds such an answer.

I wonder if there may be other, underlying , anxiety issues in your life?

It might be worth going to see your GP, and talking about it with her/him.

Please do excuse me if I'm barking up the wrong tree completely.

Life is a tapestry, a 'favourite' aunt must have been a lovely person, we all have to go someway, she just chose her own exit.
Why are they defective? We are all different and worthy of love, including you dh.
Sorry, but just can't conform to the norms of society, people aren't as simple as that.

Bipolar runs in my family, on the female side, my great-grandmother, grandmother, mum, her 2 sisters all suffer and have all been hospitalised at some point.

It is scary, but it's an illness, if you had a history of heart problems or some genetic issue would you feel the same?

I think mental health issues are hard to understand and deal with because you can't 'see' what's wrong, but the brain is an organ like any other, and it's a problem that some people have to live with.

I know it's scary but don't assume the worst, it's always at the back of my mind that it might catch up with me some day, but mental heath problems can happen to anyone, with or without a family history.

damn, pressed post before I'd finished!

To add, I have these 'defective genes' as you put it, and so far, so good, I've never had any issues. I have a brother, a sister, many cousins, and although we've all had this in our family none of our generation have been affected.

That's not to say I might not be, but if I was, it's an illness, it's not fair to feel your husband has somehow betrayed you, or your dd because of his family medical history.

Would you be so concerned had you known the family history prior to having your DD?

Would have knowing that history changed your decision to marry and have a child with your DH?

Are you (understandably) shocked and angry that you have found this out after having had your DD thus feel that you were not able to make an informed choice? The way I read your op it seems to me to be that this is key.

My brother has bipolar disorder, no one else in our family (siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins) has been diagnosed with it. Obviously that does'nt mean no-one else has it, they may choose not to say or not be diagnosed.

There is a study being conducted in cardiff which is showing that normal prevalence of bipolar is 1:100 of the population, this rises to 1:8 if you have a close family member with it.

So, my DC have a 1:8 chance of developing it. My brother was'nt diagnosed until I was pregnant with my third DC, I heard about this study after my fourth was born. It would not factor into my decision if we go on to have a fifth.

Life is a lottery there are many, many things that may afflict or affect any future DC you may have, bipolar disorder being just one of them.

My brother is many things, but he is very, very, very much loved by his nephews - and he adores them, and almost sees them as his own as he will most probably never have his own DC.

His BD does affect his life on all levels but he is still an interesting, funny, kind and loving man with as much to contribute to life and society as I do.

I think this is all about choice for you, that you have been denied that choice initally. Why did your DH not tell you about the family history before? How does he feel about it?

God, is it really as common as 1 in 100?

My sister has this. It's so well controlled, usually, that it's rarely something we think of, except that we were asked specifically if there was bipolar disorder in the family when discussing some behavioral problems in one of the DSs.

In my case, the crappy genes Asperger's, bipolar, eye problems... are all on my side of the family. I suspect DH felt a bit as you do when he found out -- as if we were condemning our children to a very uncertain future. But I'd second those who point out that this was your dh's favourite auntie, and he must have loved her for good reason.

Maybe OP's DH didn't really understand the implications himself of his own family history, if it's normal for him and his to have mental health issues, he may not be able to see it as necessarily a problem or risk (even if outsiders would). There is bipolar in my extended family, some of these relatives are fine to have in my life and others I find extremely taxing.

OP: given you've had PND and you have these massive worries about the risk of your DD developing issues, yes I think it's fine and understandable if you choose to stop at 1 child. You don't have to make that decision as a definite thing once and forever now, just take things as they come.