Need advice on access and alcoholic xp

[need2rant]

Hi all,

xp is an alcoholic/drug addict/gambling addict. He was a terrible boyfriend and absent for long periods of time during dd's early years. eighteen months ago he made a real stab at AA and was doing well, with the odd slip up. unfortunately his not drinking didn't solve every one of our problems, but I respected his efforts at beating addiction.

Recently he has been slipping again. He insists on staying in dd's life, which I encourage, but then can just disappear. This weekend i turned up to his house with dd, as i had a work thing all day. He knew I was relying on him, we agreed that he would have her for the day (rare occurence). However, he stayed out all night and day drinking and so when I arrived at his house just before work, he was not there to take dd.

When he does this it really upsets me. It is much less frequent than three years ago, but when it happens its like ripping off a newly healed scab. He encourages me to trust him, after a few months I give him a tiny bit of responsibility, then he lets me down. He is also quite a nasty person, but I suppose that's not really relevent as he is nice to dd. Too nice sometimes.

What do others do when exes let them down like this? I don't want to punish him, but i don't want him to continue treating me and dd like this.

How old is your DD? How much do you think she is picking up on about the situation?
I am asking as my father was also an alcoholic amongst other issues but the main impact it had on me weas that he would repeately let me an my Mum own, he even forgot my birthays . I my Mum and daa seperate when I was 7 an by the time I was 8 or 9 I was quite aware of how much he let us down /how unreliable he was. To this day I have not really 'recovered' from the sense of loss an disappointment his behaviour has left me with, I still hate my birthay .

I suppose my point is that it sounds like your exP is not yet in a place where he will be reliable, my advice is to stop having any expectations, dont make arrangements which can be obviously brokenand that your DD will be aware of. It is awful and so frustrating but it is better for your DD to have one constant in her life (you) and to avaoid the upset of her father being so erratic.

Thats not to say don't encourage/allow access, but make it so that he comes to yours, maybe dont tell DD until you have confirmed by phone shortly before the visit that he is on his way etc.

With my dad, i decided myself when I was about 12/13 to have a 'break' from contact with him which lasted for about two years. He started to make nserious efforts at recovery when I was about 17/18 at which point I recommenced contact on my terms as it felt more 'contained'.

It is not punishing him to protect both yourself and your DD!!

Good luck

Goodness sorry about typos, keyboard very temperamental and I'm over tired as well!

Thank you newpositiveme, great to hear it from the daughter's perspective. My dd is 6. Xp has pulled some silly stunts, even on her birthday, but she doesn't remember at all. I'm so sorry to hear about your missed birthdays .

Well the advice you have given is exactly what I do. I don't lean on him, I don't tell dd about arrangements until he turns up at the door, she hasn't stayed with him at all this year.

It's just difficult because he struts around saying that he is a great dad because some fathers don't even see their children when the relationships fail. He'll say 'ok need2rant, i'll definitely take her on saturday, no problem, don't be dramatic, i'm here to help' and the ONE saturday probably in the whole of 2010 I rely on him he goes drinking. I wonder sometimes does he do it on purpose -he usually drinks when I have something specific to do.

Now he's texting me asking to see her and can he collect her tomorrow. We agreed days ago that he would, and now I can't as I agreed to do some extra work, and haven't booked her into creche. But part of me doesn't want him to - or he'll think that I find his behaviour acceptable.