Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed - husband has left

45 replies

SuperSaint · 14/11/2010 18:30

Hi all, I'm a regular reader occasional poster.

I found out on Friday that my husband had an 18mth affair. He claims it has ended now because he realised he loved me and wanted to make it work. I am obviously devastated and really don't think I can forgive and forget. He has moved out today.

We have 2 primary school aged children and jointly own our house with a largish mortgage. Currently he pays the mortgage and council tax. I pay other bills, food and childcare. I work part time in a fairly well paid job. But even if I work full time I could not pay all the mortgage and other expenses, especially as childcare would then rise.

I have been on the CSA website and seen that he would have to give me approx £120.00pw maintenance. Can anyone let me know if he would have to continue pay the mortgage as well. I'm so scared that my children will have the disruption of their father leaving but also be forced out of the only home they have known.

OP posts:
tb · 14/11/2010 18:52

Hi Super, sorry to hear this. I can't add anything, just didn't want you post to go unanswered. I'm sure someone will be along soon to add more practical info.

It might be an idea to post on legal, as some of the people who post on there may know more.

macdoodle · 14/11/2010 18:57

I dont think he would have to pay the mortgage AND child support. In effect the child support is for you to support the cildren - housing, food, etc. Even though its usually a riduculously not possible. You need a lawyer.

TooBlessed · 14/11/2010 18:58

same here Super,no advice but just wanted to say sorry about your situation,,you will get help very soon,

cece · 14/11/2010 18:59

First thing on Monday, phone a Family solicitor and see them asap.

phipps · 14/11/2010 19:01

I thought that part of divorce arrangements the father had to provide a home for his children and their mother (if he didn't have full custody) until they were 18 so that would mean paying the mortgage. I have read on here that someone had posted you wouldn't be forced to sell the home.

FWIW children take change better than expected at times.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/11/2010 19:02

I'm so sorry to read this, but if you only found out about this on Friday, is this what you really need from this thread, seeing as it is in Relationships? Do you think you might still be in shock and need more time to process your feelings?

I appreciate that being logical and sorting out financial issues, can be comforting in a strange way when you are still reeling from a discovery, but just wanted to say we are all here, if you want to talk about your feelings.

macdoodle · 14/11/2010 19:07

Phipps he cant make her sell the house, but he wont be forced to pay the mortgage either, that will be included in the child support and divorce settlement, as far as I know, am not an expert though.

Firepile · 14/11/2010 19:10

I don't live in England - but surely if his name is on the mortgage, he is legally liable to pay it, separately from maintenance requirements...

gettingeasier · 14/11/2010 19:14

Unless your house "exceeds your reasonable housing requirements" ie has 4 bedrooms with only 2 dc then he cannot make you sell your home.

The CSA calculation is about the only thing written in stone in this situation everything else will depend on your individual circumstance so you need a solicitor.

However unless its helping you I suggest you listen to WWIFN and just focus on taking this in rather than haring into the legal stuff.

Sorry this has happened to you Sad

Lolass · 14/11/2010 19:22

Would you consider a 'cooling off' period before you make afinal decision ? As When says you are still in shock.
Find out all you can and let him know but perhaps wait before you act on it.
Have you talked things through with your husband ? Do you still love him ?

phipps · 14/11/2010 19:29

macdoodle - happy to be corrected Smile.

Lolass · 14/11/2010 19:48

Also, is it perhaps a good thing that he told you ?
What made him come clean ?

Teaandcakeplease · 14/11/2010 19:52

You would also be entitled for maintenance as his wife as well in any divorce as well as the usual child support for the children. Go and see Citizens Advice tomorrow if you're worried as you'd be surprised on what help you maybe entitled to if you do separate and take advantage of the first free session at a solicitors. I only say this as perhaps this will settle your mind a little.

However I would recommend if possible that you wait 3 months before you make any major decision if the affair has literally just come to light. It can be a very confusing time when it all first comes out. My H and I separated just over a year ago, he also had an affair. You must be reeling right now Sad

spidookly · 14/11/2010 19:53

Sort out the legal stuff if that's what you want.

You have the rest of your life to get your head around his betrayal. The quicker you sort out the practicalities of your new situation the better.

Original poster
SuperSaint · 14/11/2010 19:57

Thanks for the replies. H has said he is so sorry and wants to try and work through it. I don't think I can. I feel so betrayed. I loved him up until Friday but how can I ever trust him again?

I'm exhausted from putting on an "aren't we all happy / won't we be fine" act in front of the children. I have just put them to bed and burst into tears.

He's been so awful to me for the last year - he got really depressed after being made redundant and out of work. I stuck by him and tried to help him because he was my husband and he has done this to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperSaint · 14/11/2010 20:00

Lolass - he did not tell me as such. I got an anonymous letter though the post on Friday. It was really detailed so I knew it was true. It also explained a couple of odd things that have happened over the last year or so. He managed to explain them with lies I believed at the time. Now I see I was just a gullible fool.

Even when I showed him the letter on Friday he still tried to deny it. I knew it was true so he eventually admitted it and I told him to leave.

OP posts:
spidookly · 14/11/2010 20:01

You don't have to work through it if you don't want to.

You owe him nothing now.

You must do whatever is best for you. What he wants at this point is irrelevant.

Teaandcakeplease · 14/11/2010 20:03

It's extremely painful in the early days, especially as you process everything they've said and how they've treated you Sad

did find this book a big big help In my case as I read it, it helped me ask my H some very key questions and ultimately in my case I chose to divorce after careful consideration and also after waiting 6 months. However my H wouldn't end the affair, however he did spend 6 months insisting it was over and it had never ended. That book is well worth reading.

How did it all come to light? As others have said, if it helps please talk x

SleeplessInLondon · 14/11/2010 20:05

Also wanted to send some support and another who thinks you must be in total shock at this stage. In fact it will take weeks before you can absorb it.

However I understand that the practicalities are so important as you need to understand in how many ways your life is going to change. My DH and I are having difficulties at the moment. He has moved out (we hope temporarily) but I felt so much better after seeing a Lawyer who could give me some idea of how assets would be split (it also made me consider all our assets carefully and I felt better having a mental list) and how my and the DC's circumstances would change financially as well as emotionally. I felt much better able to deal with the emotional side of things once I had the day to day practicalities sorted (even in my head).

It is a horrendous, horrible, devastating betrayal. But sometimes hideous things happen to us in this life but I promise you, you will survive this.

Just for now, get through this night and tomorrow and think about the rest another day (if it hurts too bad at the moment, my way of dealing with it was to try and freeze my mind until I felt able to think about it, if that makes sense).

SIL

PS I think you did absolutely the correct thing in asking him to leave. You can always invite him back, should you ever feel so inclined but it sent him a clear message that you are not a doormat and how you feel about this betrayal.

Teaandcakeplease · 14/11/2010 20:05

X posted with you Super Saint about the anonymous letter Sad

susiedaisy · 14/11/2010 20:19

hi there so sorry to hear of your plight, especially as your H only confessed after being backed into a corner, that is shitty, as far as legal advice goes all solicitors give a 30 mins free of charge advice session well mostly all of them, so i would advise you to write down your most urgent questions and take them along with you, also go to CAB, i personally didn't find them any help, but others on here have found them helpful, take some time to think about what you want, and if your H still fits into these plans, it sounds like you and him still have alot of talking to do.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2010 20:31

so he didn't even show you the respect of confessing and giving you the choice of how you wanted to handle this ?

it took an anonymous letter, then you pushed and he caved ?

I say "well done you" and you do not have do anything

your feelings are yours to own and I say you should just do what the hell you like right now

please take control now, and make sue all future communication is on your terms

any attempt by him to steer your feelings by manipulation or emotional blackmail should be firmly blocked

get strong, love, find out your legal rights and lower his status back to where it deserves to be

cheating liar

Lolass · 14/11/2010 20:40

OK clearer picture now. Well, you have done the right thing in showing him the door. And getting all your info. together. You sound strong and pro-active. You are still in shock but strangely that state gives you energy.
Good Luck. X

Original poster
SuperSaint · 14/11/2010 20:48

Thanks again. I have got good support from my family (that's why I keep being away from the thread for ages - they're on the phone!!)

I think I do need to get advice just to put my mind at rest and will contact CAB tomorrow. At the moment I feel the only reasons I would consider taking him back are financial and that it would be better for the children to have us both together. I need to think about me and what I want though.

He's already showing his true colours. When he left tonight he started crying and telling the children he did not want to go but mummy wouldn't let him stay Angry I was then in a difficult situation trying to explain why I was making daddy go.

I feel really exhausted so think I'll have an early night and hopefully will feel stronger in the morning.

OP posts:
Maybee · 14/11/2010 20:57

Sorry SuperS how painful for you. I'm going through a break up too but am a few weeks further down the line than you. Contact the CAB for free legal aid. Ithink your ex will have to pay 20% of his salary for child support or that is what it used to be.
Why don't you join the recovery thread in relationships it is really helping me?
You will be ok. Things can only get better.