Would it be unfair to drop a friend who always turns up at our house drunk?

[Ormirian]

Yes, its me again. Seem to be having problems with everyone atm

Have a friend who drinks a lot. Her partner is one of my DH's best friends. I like her a great deal - she's funny, kind, and good company....when sober. But every time we invite them to our house she arrives late and pissed. I mean totally pissed, to the point where she can't walk straight and finds it difficult to sustain a conversation. Now DH and I drink but I can't remember the last time either of us got drunk. And when she gets here we'd always offer her plenty of wine or beer so why get hammered before she even walks in the door.

Last night really upset me. They were coming to visit for the first time since we moved and she was excited about helping me redecorate. In the event was too pie-eyed to notice .

She also didn't eat the meal I cooked. He's a vegetarian and she doesn't like beans or pulses so I spent ages making an aubergine parmigiani that I thought they would both like.

Is that disrespectful? Or am I being over-sensitive?

bump

I think it's disrespectful. But it also sounds like she has an alcohol problem - alcoholics are famously blind to the needs of others when weighed up against drink
Does she get stressed about social occasions?

How will you go about it, Orm? That's the question. I don't think it's unfair in the slightest - unless you're the kind of friends where you could sit her down sober and ask about her drinking problem.

I would have no hesitation in ending the friendship unless it had other merits and you went back a long time etc.

She sounds a bit bonkers.

it's unfair to drop her without even discussing it with her. or even speaking to her DH first. if she is noticeably drunk before she gets to your house, she must have got stuck in long before getting to you

the lateness would actually irritate me more

i thhikn you need to say something, tell hger you love her company but cannot abide the fact she is late , drunk and won't eat your food and you are happy to see her sober, but not drunk

Given the close friendship between your DH and her DP, I'd say the best way to deal with this is for your DH to talk to his mate. A conversation along the lines of "You'll always be welcome in our home but your partner will not be allowed past our door if she turns up drunk." And then have a serious and sympathetic talk with him about his relationship with her as if this is what she's like in public then she's likely to be even worse in private.

Thankyou.

Yes I have no doubt she has a problem with alcohol. And that it defines her behaviour. And I guess I should make allowances. But I really wanted a nice evening with my friends, not tiptoeing around an erratic emotional drunk.

DH was disgusted too. Unusual for him but he knows I was upset. I think I might suggest he talks to her DP.

And already I find myself making excuses for her. She's had a hard life, she doesn't have PR for her little boy, she and her DP have fallen out with DP's family, he's not allowed to see his DD. I feel sorry for her. I am so fed up of feeling sorry for people.

no, you should not make allowances. That's called enabling and it's very bad for people who drink too much, as well as the people tiptoeing around them.

You need to be clear on your boundaries, she does not come into your home drunk, and she is not served alcohol in your home.

Until they have a plan of action themselves (presuming they do, once DH talks to his friend) you can only avoid contact.

That's quite far gone though. I mean it must be impacting quite significantly on all of her relationships.

Think you are right with the dh talk to her dp line...

Not unfair, understandable.

Could you talk to her when she is sober and ask what is making her so unhappy that she is drinking her life away?

Yes dump her. Sorry but it's her problem not yours. If a friend, for whatever reason is making your evenings shit, don't spend your evenings with them. I have a friend like this - we now only meet somewhere they will have to drive to keep at least one of them sober and looking after the other (because I am not a babysitter ) and it gives me an excuse to leave if they get irritating too.

No dont stop seeing her without at least talking to her and giving her a chance to redeem herself .

It might be the shock she needs hearing it from a friend who has no axe to grind and you did say you really like her

She sounds a lot like my ex. My ex's life is an on-going car crash of alcohol fuelled chaos and drama. I wonder how much her alcohol problems have actually contributed to the mess she has made of her life.

At some point you have to decide whether you want to continue being a spectator to this kind of thing or if you prefer to spend your time doing something a lot more enjoyable. And, honestly, pretty much anything is more enjoyable than spending your time with someone who is shit-faced.

hi Orm I am an alcoholic (not drinking any more) and I'd say that it should be HER problem not yours.

If she has a problem with alcohol, she will not change because of anything you do. So go to meet them only in situations where you can enjoy youselves irrespective of how she behaves. And if that is nowhere - then yes, speak to her dp, tell him why you can't meet up with them both. It is their problem not yours.

She might feel terribly sorry for herself, and go on a bender as a result but that is becuase it is what SHE wanted to do, not becuase you made her do it.

More importantly, think about how you support her dp - he may feel as though he is in an impossible situation.

hi orm!, im an alcoholic too and tbh, looking back i wish my friends had voiced their concerns - i would have got very angry and defensive but it might have made all teh difference and bought me up short - in the short term i would tell her how you feel and offer support but insist that she is only welcome in your home when she is sober.

Right. Thanks all.

I will talk to DH tonight and work out a way to deal with this. She isn't coming into my house again in that state. Worst of it was that my DC were still up and they wanted to talk to her/play with her as she is a favourite with them. She wasn't in a state to cope with that

It's done me good in a way. I've decided to give the booze a break too.

Now i feel guilty.

She came round with a big apology and some flowers. She's on medication and not supposed to drink - but she did and it had a bigger effect than normal. However she is stopping for good- or trying to do so.

"Oh, I was on medication and I got drunker than I thought I would" is Alcoholic's Standard Excuse For Appalling Drunkeness No4. It comes just before "My drink must've been spiked!" and just after "I'd had a really bad day at work."

This isn't a one-off that could be explained by an unexpected reaction with medication though, is it? As you said in your OP, this often happens when she comes round.

On the other hand, if she realises she has a drink problem to the extent that she feels she needs to stop then maybe you could reinforce that by telling her that you will not be socialising with her when she's been drinking.

No it isn't a one-off I suppose.

Bugger .

Still she feels bad and apparently her DP gave her a hard time too. Maybe it won't happen again.

Well, if she's stopping for good then she'll be very happy with the no booze events you will be staging from now on. ;)