First time ever I let my mum know that I am not happy with her

[Ormirian]

And I think it's down to MN.

She's always been bit fragile and I have spent my life trying to protect her. And a misery guts too. I posted about her last week, about how she is always negative and brings the world down. So whenever she has critisised me I've just listened, and tried to justify myself.

Today she had a go at me over the phone at how spoilt my kids are, and how much better DB is at managing his DC. So I just said nothing. And she thought the line had gone dead. And when she started up again, I did the same. Then she said 'sorry for preaching' and started again! In the end I hung up, quite politely. She will now be bitching about it at my poor dad.

I am not having it any more. I've got 3 DC (and a friend of hers told DH that they were 'beautiful children in every way' this week so I must be doing OK) I have a full-time job. I want her to say 'well done' just once. But I guess she never is

If you change how you relate to her she may start to change how she relates to you, Ormirian. Its great that you are recognising the negative effect she is having on you and taking back some control over this relationship.

I suspect from my own experience that having a mother like this probably hasn't been great for your self esteem and confidence. That may also start to improve once you start relating differently to your mother and not accepting her behaviour to you.

The hardest thing we need to learn, is how to assume the role of matriarch of our own family.

Orm, you wouldn't give this woman and her comments the time of day if she weren't you mother.

She has NO right to belittle you.

For all of you that have your mum's around and endure the shitty remarks, comments and judgements, please store the following remark:

"If you don't like it here, you don't have to come you know."

Orm, you are a great mother. Your posts, your attitude and your opinions all speak massive volumes about your undeniable abilities as a mother.

Your mother clearly has ishoos, don't let them cloud your day. Hang up on her, disengage, and neutralise her. Tell yourself (and her) that you wouldn't accept this if she were merely a friend, and leave it at that.

mums

Thanks littlemiss.

I have managed to not give her much of a thought since yesterday. Which is unusual. Because I feel cross and not guilty. Quite refreshing.

We are due to see them on Wednesday. I wonder if it will make a difference.

Stay cross, you have every right to be. You have no need to be feeling guilty. It's not YOU that has done anything wrong.

I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday, try to put her out of your mind till then, don't let her get to you.

well done Orm
Remember you don't have to have any relationship at all with your mother.

Have the relationship that you choose and not the one that she would like for you to have.

Mine is similar - when they visit I ended up writing a list afterwards detailing the critical points she has made.

She has never said I am doing a good job wth anything or said anything positive about my appearance.

Last week she stirred things up by suggesting that ds1 could be abusing solvents (he has a rash/dry skin round his nose) and I don't think he is) and tying that possibility in with my working. He's on his own for three evenings after school from about 5 - 6.30 - he's 14 btw.

So I didn't phone for a few days and when finally spoke last night (after reading this thread) I made a concerted effort to speak in a more neutral way (with a barrier around me).

I think she noticed a difference.

FWIW she worked pt when I was a child but the weird thing is I don't recall her interacting much with us.

in fact pondering on this some more I think I realised from a very early age that things weren't right between us and that somehow our family was different!

Did anyone else have that early realisation - I can only describe it as a vibe with occasional flashbacks.

I still am at the stage though of churning it all through and I hope at some point to get more clarity and possible objectiveness about the situation. My head needs to catch up with my heart IYKWIM. I think that moment will be truly liberating.

Orm - how is it going?

Am due to go over after work to pick the DC up. Mum and dad pick the kids up from school on Wednesdays. I am a bit nervous - I doubt she will let it go

Re the feeling something wasn't right, yep, I recognise that. But I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt deficient in some way. Odd, different. I still feel that way but I have trained myself to see it as a positive.

Well done Orm!

I had a similar thing earlier this year with my Mom (also thanks to MN). The hardest thing to try and deal with is that I will probably never have the type of relationship (or the type of mother), that I really want or need. Similar thing to yours - little digs all the time, having to tip toe around her for fear of upsetting her, trying to protect her feelings. And it's rubbish.

On the plus side, you have a DD who you can work on having a fabulous relationship with, more like the one you'd like to have with your own mother. And, you now realise what she's really like, as an adult, so you're less likely to put up with crap.

Nothing was said.

Which suits me as she was very nice to everyone. Only once said something a little rude about DS2 - I glared at her and she gave a sheepish little 'only joking' laugh.

bumping this to ask Orm how it's going.

And to add that I shouted at my own mother this week (I was quite shocked by my instinctive reaction when she went too far actually).

Im having probs with DS1(14) - late on Sun he lashed out at me when I handed him some underpants he had asked me to wash at short notice he thought they were dry and they weren't. He likes them close by so the idea was for him to take them to bed and put them on his radiator - I don't think that's too unreasonable tbh

I was telling her about this and other worries concerning him and his behaviour and basically she turned it all round on my the fact I work, the fact Im single parent and so on. She said perhaps if Id put them on radiator myself then it wouldn't have happened.

(She used to run to the bathroom with clean pants in hand for my db when he was a teen and older) which used to piss me off even then.

I do love my son and believe me he is being very trying and hormonal atm. But I also belive that love is not pandering to their every whim and fostering some independence.

I am so unhappy with my Mum just now that I feel quite sick.

She isn't criticising me or my DC though. in fact, she doesn't seem to want anything to do with us.

DP thinks it is her age. She has become sulky, moody, makes snide remarks and gives "knowing" looks.

I have recently asked her for some help as DD needs to do to the doctors to have stitches removed. DP is working away and I am the only one at work due to sudden death is colleague's family. The doctor could only offer the one appointment.

I phoned my Mum and her reply was "well, I'll say yes for now but something else might come up".

WTF is going to come up that means you can't help in a situation like this?

Now she has started to make phone calls saying "I don't know where your doctor's is" (it used to be her old doctors)

"I don't know which school DC goes to to pick her up from"

You don't know what school your only grandchildren go to? WTF?????????

How old is she ooops? And could it be that she is not well?