Men are like buses..

[TeenieLeek]

Argh they really are like buses! I live/work in Asia where single men over 35 who like Western women are like gold dust; haven't had a single date in the 18 months I've been here. Had been getting pretty depressed about being terminally single (I'm 37) and so a few weeks ago I threw caution to the wind and agreed to meet up with a guy who I'd met on holiday a while ago. He lives in Australia so I knew that any relationship was going to be tricky, but we had such a lovely time together that we made plans to meet again in a month and it's all been quite intense, in a nice way. Though we haven't discussed it expressly, I'd say the tacit understanding was that we wouldn't see other people and maybe in time look at a way to be together.

Then last night, was out with friends and was introduced to this great single guy - we hit it off, drank too much and I ended up going home with him. He's really lovely and wants to see me again; if I had met him before I got it together with OzMan I'd have been delighted. But OzMan has kind of stolen my heart. So I've gone from no boyfriend, and not even any potentials for nearly two years, to cheating on my long distance boyfriend and lying to a great, honest man about being single! Maybe lovelyman was sent out of the blue to show me that I can't be trusted, long distance is never going to work and I should call a halt to it now before we get in too deep. But I didn't feel anything close to the connection I have with OzMan. And the chance of lovelyman finding out about OzMan from our mutual friends is pretty high so he'll no doubt go right off me when he finds out I'm a cheater.

What are you after? Men aren't like buses at all. You made the decision to cheat, and apparently just having the opportunity to do so was enough to make you do it. Congratulations

I don't pass judgement on the way others live their lives - it's your life and your choice. The consequences will also be all yours.

I would just like to ask, what sort of response were you expecting from this? It does sound typical that you are alone for a long time and then you meet two potential partners at the same time. Don't you think though this might have more to do with your frame of mind rather than men not being around before that? Now your mind is open to new relationships but you aren't trying to justify your actions are you? If the shoe was on the other foot then you would be here saying what an arse this OzMan is and we'd all be agreeing with you.

I really don't know what you should do now. Seems like any you intend to have a future with deserves to know but that could end them both. So you go from no man, to two men to no men again.

You didn't really cheat though if you weren't properly ''together'' with Oz guy. I think what you did was ok but now you are torn. I would think long and hard about this and make a list of pros and cons.
Until you are exclusive with either you can do what you like. Enjoy but just try not to hurt anyone opr get hurt. And yes; I do get what you mean when you say men are like buses; they all come at once!

And yes; I would be honest with him about oz guy; you really aren't exclusive yet so it won't be a huge issue shortly. Won't he understand the dilemma you are having with distance.

If someone has really ''stole your heart'' you wouldn't be tempted elsewhere.

surely I mean.

oh fgs boo and catherine its early days and oz man and she havent yet formaly agreed exclusivity.

No I have some sympathy for you. You want a relationship and it's been a while since you've found anyone decent. It is implied, it has not been discussed, that you are not seeing other people but you have only met up with Ozman once and you do not know if it will work out due to distance etc. I'm really hardline on fidelity myself but it isn't as if you are in a serious relationship with Ozman - it's early stages with no discussion and only 1 meet up so far.

Only you know what to do. Has this made you rrealise you want to really go for it with Ozman, like do you feel bad and regret lovelyman? If so, either tell Ozman this OR tell your friends this and ask them not to get involved. Alternatively, if you actually quite like both then maybe Ozman isn't for you and you were just jumping at an opportunity because,as you said, pickings are few and far between.

Well they are often late, sometimes don't show up at all, and can smell faintly of Special Brew and urine. So yes, they are.

I was in a similar situation when I met my DP. I had been dating a lovely bloke after a lot of absolutely awful ones. Then he went away for work for a few weeks and I met DP. The difference is that I knew my own mind and all bets were off with the other guy.

If you can work out what you really want, make a decision and be honest with them both. Good luck.

I don't think you've anything majorly wrong to be honest. You and Ozman are not really together are you? There's an understanding that you might be in the future, but at the moment you are just communicating long distance. I don't really think it would be reasonable of him to demand fidelity at this point and besides, you've not made that agreement with him. Therefore you are not in an exclusive relationship.

You are going to have to choose at some point however. You're perfectly within your rights to see Lovelyman but I think he probably needs to know that you have a degree of involvement with someone else. Likewise, if you do continue to see him, you'll have to tell Ozman eventually.

Good luck. I hope you end up happy with the best man for you.

done anything majorly wrong - sorry.

Teenie- Pleased for you. Perhaps you could tell them about each other and not sleep with either until you figure them out a bit more. That way you can relax, enjoy them both and feel good about yourself.

Thanks so much for all the replies ladies, very much appreciated and helping me to get some perspective.

OzMan and I Skyped yesterday. I felt pretty bad, but I think that you're right to say it's a bit OTT at this point to say that we are in a committed relationship and that I therefore cheated. Ended up feeling bit depressed though at the distance and the thought of all the major changes we'd have to go through to make it work.

If lovelyman asks me out I think I'll be up front about OzMan with him - he has a vague inkling anyway that something is in the background and, as his nickname suggests, I think that he'd understand. Doubt if he'd want to keep seeing me (who wants to be a stand in for an absent boyfriend?!) but perhaps it won't burn my boats if things don't work out with OzMan.

Then I'll see OzMan in a couple of weeks and try to listen hard to what my heart is telling me.

Not the worst problem in the world to have I suppose!

good plan

You will increase your desirablity enormously by having two men chasing after you. You also don't know for sure what Ozman has or has not been up to. Neither of you have agreed that you are exclusive and at present it is a long distance potential relationship, which could go in a number of different directions. Unless you have expressly agreed that you are an item and that you are both going to be faithful to each other, why is it "cheating"? Has Ozman taken a vow of celibacy when you are thousands of miles away? Enjoy the attention and ignore those who seek to make you feel bad. They are probably just jealous that you went from no buses to quite a few arriving all at once! Enjoy the ride!

Agree with tadpoles...not yet time to commit