Am I completely screwed up?

[Abubu]

Hi,

This is the first time I have posted on this thread. Apologies in advance for treating this like a therapy session but DH out for the evening so thought I'd take the chancce.

DH and I have been together for 7 years. We are both in our early 30s. We've got 3 children, the youngest is 6 months.

I used to have a good sex drive but since the children have been born 3 years ago (probably a bit before that to be honest) I have literally had no interest in sex.

In fact I would go so far to say that I am starting to find it a bit disgusting. I find that I feel embarrased if my DH ever mentions how we used to be together at the start of our relationship, a bit as if I am mortified that I ever did certain things which to be honest I know are part of a normal adult relationship.

We have thin walls and can sometimes hear our neighbours at it, when this happens I get a lurching sick feeling in my tummy and my whole body gets an hot flush - the kind of feeling you get when you've just had really bad news. I don't like sex scenes on tv, people discussing how often they have sex on tv etc.

I feel like a total freak as I wasn't like this in my early 20s.
My DH is very understanding but his patience is running thin.
I'm starting to really worry it will ruin our relationship.
He no longer tries to make a move and I certainly never do.

When I was around 7, my Mum (who suffers mental health issues), well I guess you could say she emotionally abused me - but she was ill it wasn't her fault.

She used to accuse me of trying to "attract men" and if I ever played up, just normal kid stuff, she would shout at me and call me a whore and then hit me around the legs or the face.

She used to accuse me of fancying my male teachers if i even glanced in their direction and trying to attract them and would then be angry with me for days. This didn't stop until I was about 12 - 13.

I realised she didnt even know she was doing it one day when she said that her Mum used to do that to her and then said to me "you're lucky I've never been like that with you". My brother defended me and said she was and she didn't even know.

I really don't know if this has come back to screw me up all these years later, or whether I've got depression (have had this before), hormone problem or what?

I feel really down at the moment and have started to have trouble sleeping. I find this so embarrasing I can't discuss it with people I actually know...

Thanks.

Have you discussed hoe you feel with your DH?

What about your GP? Could you discuss it with them? Maybe you need sex therapy?

I have discussed it a few times with DH but only as a result of a row and things escalating. I think he is waiting for me to make the first move - but unless i can change I never will.

I find the whole thing so embarrasing I really don't think i can speak to a doctor - I don't think i would be able to bring myself to say I have no sex drive. I can't discuss it with my female friends as I dont want them to think I'm strange and to feel sorry for my husband. I feel like I'm depriving him and its not fair. I'm almost waiting for the day when he decides to have an affair.

Most of the time I'm so in dneial about thinking about this that I'm crying writing thes words. I just want to have a normal happy relationship like we used to have.

Have you thought about finding some counselling? Try Relate they do psycho sexual counselling.

Your baby is 6 months old! My God! You are normal!

I dont think yu should presure yourself just yet....in my experence it takes a year to feel physically ok again. Then start looking at it....it really annoys me this...it's not like men are animals...they can sort themselves out for a bit cant they? Women have a lot to deal with physically with having babies...tell DH you aren'tyourelf yet...and will feel better soon.

Hi ShanahansRevenge,

I wish I could tell you its just been since the baby was born. Before that we did it just once to conceive her (luckily - or unluckily for DH we have always conceived very easily, and to me it was a bit like doing the job to conceive, not for pleasure).

Before that we would literally have sex once every 3-4 months.
In the last couple of years I think I could count the number of times on one hand.
Its nothing to do with the baby unfortunately -wish it was, would probably be easier.

Think I will try Relate. I worry about the cost though - to be honest I would probably want to go on my own at first and not tell DH...

Hi Abubu. If you dont feel you can 'talk' face to face with a doctor why not write down EXACTLY how you feel and make an appointment to see your doctor.

What would probably take you hours to tell a doctor can be read in a few minutes and it gives you time to compose yourself in his room.

Doctors appreciate this and it does make their job so much easier. They would rather treat someone who is honest than someone who tells a pack of lies and says 'I'm ok' when they obviously arent. A bit like an alcoholic telling a doc that they only take a couple of drinks every day when they know its more like a dozen or so.

Good luck with what ever avenue you choose.

Abubu - Hi. First off I'm really sorry you're so distressed. You come across as someone who is very concerned about the feelings of other people 'it wasn't her fault' and 'my DH is very understanding' at the expense of your own.

It may not have been your mother's fault but she abused you terribly - physically and emotionally and it's led you to associate sex with shame, guilt and disgust. No wonder you can only cope with sex when it's about procreation. NONE of this is your fault and you've been carrying this burden alone for years. Go and talk to a counsellor - you don't need help with sex you need help to get over your mother's abuse.

Incidentally, Relate offer a sliding fee scale. I think their standard is £40 an hour but when I desperately needed counselling and was broke, it was lowered to £15 an hour.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your messages. I discussed it with DH on Sunday and I'm going to find a counsellor.

Best wished to all x

Abubu I think it's very telling that you are wondering about dh being deprived and not seeing that you yourself are missing out on something that's a huge part of a loving relationship.

You were abused badly by your ill mother and this has everything to do with how you relate to sex/attraction/fulfillment.

I urge you to get some counselling, perhaps your gp can refer you? It would really help explore this issue and make sense of it for you. It would be so sad if you didn't try, as much for your own sake as for your marriage.

Is your mother still in your life?

I meant to add, I know a woman who was dreadfully abused as a child, sexually, by her stepfather. She had a normal regular sex life right up until she fell in love, when suddenly her confused, buried idea of sex/love from childhood reared it's head and she was exactly as you are.

Therapy really helped her.