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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh cross - is this reasonable?

24 replies

whatkatydidathome · 13/11/2010 19:29

I've just come home from a staff development day (ie work related - I'm supposed to go to so many a year) with a parking ticket. I did buy a ticket but it wasn't in "full view". Am intending to ring them on Monday or just pay the £25 as it was my fault (I had not positioned ticket very well). dh is really cross - shouting and slaming doors now saying that I am choosing to waste money, bein gcareless etc. Also shouting about whole SD thing. We are not poor - can afford ticket. This is my third one in about 2 years but the other two I did not pay. dh has had parking tickets and also has 9 points so plenty of fines.

I am really upset that this always happens - if I bump car (minor scatches), lose a wheel cover thingy, get a ticket we always row. Am at the point of wanting to hide them - I already do not tell him if I bump car. I always felt that we had a goo drealtionship because I could talk to him about anythign but now am feeling that more and more I have to hide things from him as he gets so cross and shouts so much and I hate bein gcalled careless etc. Are most men like this? If he gets a ticket I just ccept it as "life" - I don't rant and rave and swear about how hopeless he is.

OP posts:

NoDecentNamesLeft · 13/11/2010 20:21

This seems to me to be one rule for him and another for you.

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. This also happened to me almost 30 years ago and it was bad enough getting the ticket but if my ex had reacted the way yours had I too would have been livid.

I was actually so upset re getting ticket that I got home and burst into tears and my exs reaction was to laugh and say 'hey youre ok and thats all that matters'. When I had burst into tears he thought I had written car off and not something as simple as getting a ticket.

Yes its annoying but its not a hanging offence !! Men are such ***.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/11/2010 20:26

Your man could well be seen by others as over-reacting to such an error on your part.
He is not setting a good example to any children within the home either.

What's he like anyway with you; is he Mr Angry and Mr Shouty a lot at home?. (BTW were his Mum and or Dad the same?. This can be learnt behaviour). Does he get this angry with other people (I bet you he does not) or do you solely bear the brunt of this ill treatment?. He to me sounds like a bully actually.

What do you think about your relationship now, what are you getting out of this relationship?.

With regards to the ticket itself I'd just pay the £25 and done with. He should not be so angry with you, it was a mistake. You can ring them by all means but if you appeal they will ask you to put it in writing and you'll probably lose on appeal anyway.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/11/2010 20:31

I received a parking ticket (the bloody thing fell into the footwell so could not be seen!) and my DH's reaction was to say "never mind luv, its only money". He did not raise his voice to me at all over such a matter.

phipps · 13/11/2010 20:32

Ignore him.

I was given a ticket as when I shut the door my paid ticket had flipped upside down. I was going to pay as it was my fault but was told to go to the office and show the ticket. I did and the fine was cancelled.

Tell your dh to stop treating you like a naughty child.

booyhoo · 13/11/2010 20:34

he is over reacting and he sounds scarily like my dad. which isn't at all good.

why is he shouting at you and slamming doors? it will not pay the ticket nor will it make either of you feel better about teh situation. does he always punish you for your mistakes?

maxpower · 13/11/2010 20:34

OP, are you sure your DH's money situation is as stable as you think it is? It seems odd that he'd take the line that you're wasting money??? It is a massive overreaction otherwise.

BTW if it was a council issued parking ticket, you'll probably be able to get it cancelled if you send in a photocopy of the original ticket.

booyhoo · 13/11/2010 20:38

maxpower, it is a massive over reaction anyway.

OP is money a sticking point in your relationship? it always was for my parents and it seemed any mention of money was enough of an excuse for my dad to shout and over react.

QueenOfTheNight · 13/11/2010 20:51

I'd just tell Mr 9 Points to either shut the fuck up or pack a bag and fuck off. It's a complete over reaction and he's an arse. Just tell him to shut the fuck up. He won't collapse and die, I promise you, and he won't leave you.

Did you give him such a hard time when he got the 9 points that will seriously affect the cost of car insurance?? Bet you didn't. And I hope when he gets the next 3 points that will result in a ban that you will go apeshit!

Seriously the older I get - I'm 43 - the less shit I put up with. DP wouldn't dare behave like this cos he would find himself living alone in a bedsit in a heartbeat. Life is too short.

seeyoukay · 13/11/2010 20:55

Arguing over small things usually the sign of larger problems in the marriage.

Either that or he's just a twat.

Hullygully · 13/11/2010 20:57

Tell him to fuck off in a very calm voice

booyhoo · 13/11/2010 20:57

@ hully

Hullygully · 13/11/2010 20:59

I'm serious, when someone behaves so unreasonably, don't engage with it or they think it's valid. Just tell em to fuck right off.

QueenOfTheNight · 13/11/2010 21:05

hully is right.

booyhoo · 13/11/2010 21:06

i am laughing hully because i can't say fuck off. it is physically impossible for em to say it. i can only screech it when i get so frustrated that other words wont form

booyhoo · 13/11/2010 21:06

doh, i meant

1Catherine1 · 13/11/2010 21:21

Firstly... I wouldn't be paying the fine. I'd be providing the ticket as proof I had one and claiming incompetence of the ticket man having not seen it - in the nicest possible way that is.

Secondly... as hully says, OH or not if he's acting like a dick tell him to fuck off and stop behaving like a big baby. One thing I truly deeply love about my OH is his ability to realise he's acting like an idiot when told to fuck off, and stop doing what ever he is doing to annoy me.

hairytriangle · 13/11/2010 21:26

No mist men are not like this.

HumphreyCobbler · 13/11/2010 21:27

yes, do tell him to fuck off as Hully says

he is being a total arse

I just broke our car to the tune of £400 and DH didn't really comment, when I asked if the damage had been caused by my shit driving he said "Oh yes, probably. But never mind.""

kyotokate · 13/11/2010 21:33

OP your previous thread here shows he really is a TWAT...

kyotokate · 13/11/2010 21:47

It seems to be all about him and his way of doing things. He goes completely over the top when you make a small mistake and further he has total control of the way your children are being brought up because of his upbringing. Has he not heard of the word cooperation?

Original poster

whatkatydidathome · 13/11/2010 22:11

I am intending to go and explain to the council and show the ticket. Our money situation is stable - I do all our finances - dh is not that interested so I know that we have the money. When we were less well off we never argued about money as we were just both pretty tight but now we are comfortable we do argue more. dh parents have huge savings and never spend. I want to relax and enjoy life a bit now bu the still seems to want to live like a student. Also he does have a real thing about me being careless etc. He cannot seem to accept that sometimes I'm tired, or just plain not perfect. he is similar with clothes - any marks or spots on his clothes are always "my fault" and he gets cross - says I have wrecked them in the washin gor something even when it is clearly him. He always has to "blame" someone for things - nothign can just be "life" or an accident. He is vry good in amny ways. His upbringing was quite "working class" and traditioanl and I do somethings think that he subconsiously struggles with teh whole "new man" thing. He is very bright, very professional job etc so is being conditioned into the whole non-sexist, non-rasciest way of life but he was brough tu vey differently.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/11/2010 22:16

OP, from the looks of this and the previous thread, your problem is not your ticket but your DH. He is behaving in an unreasonable and controlling way. I do not deny mitigating circumstances regarding his upbringing, but excuses don't make anything better. It seems he is making life more and more difficult for you and you are living a life walking on eggshells, fearful that if you make a tiny mistake or insist on him doing the right thing he will erupt. This is no way to continue. He has to stop.

1Catherine1 · 13/11/2010 22:18

I'm sorry if this is insensitive but your last post made me laugh. If My OH ever criticised me for ruining his clothes in the wash I'd just tell him where the washer is. I rarely do his washing as it is since he's so good at doing it himself but when I do he's thankful because he knows that I'll just not do it again if he's ungrateful.

You signed up to be his partner, not his mother. Remember that.

TechLovingDad · 13/11/2010 22:36

It's not about being working class, or learning to be a new man. I'm working class, as were my old school parents and grand parents (and many other people) and they always treated their family with respect.

He has no respect for you and is a twat.

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