Drawing the line somewhere

[ledkr]

I would like your opinions on something.
I was with ex dh for 18yrs from kids and we had a great life and 4 children. 7 yrs ago when dd was only 8months i found out he was seeing a girl of 16-he was 36 at the time.
I behaved with dignity throughout and have continued to raise our children worked hard to keep the house and take them on holidays etc and he has never paid me a penny. My ds 3 gave up a place at the royal ballet school as his confidence was so low and my dd is still affected to this day.I lost 4 stones and felt terrible for 2 yrs.
We have maintained a civil relationship and he only sees the children cos i chase him around to do so.
I am now re married and to my delight at 43 am 28 wks pg. He has just had a baby with the girl he was seeing,the relationship isnt great,he has been violent to her and cheats frequently.
He didnt help me to explain all this to dd and ds's had to find out about the pg from face book.I have helped dd with it and we have been to buy a card and little present for her new sister. However today he rang and asked if he could come and see dd with the baby. I made an excuse about me having a cold but the truth is i feel enough is enough.I have nothing against the baby but i dod not want to start this, i have my own children and work f time and am struggling at the moment with spd.I just dont want him to think he can bring her around instead of putting any effort into taking dd out and helping her to find her place in his new little family. Can you imagine as she gets older and is crawling etc.
I think ex is taking the mick now, i wont be turning up at his house with my baby.
Am i right?

Sorry but I wouldn't let an adult male who had a relationship with a 16 year old anywhere near me or my family.

yes you are absolutely correct, you have done a fab job at rebuilding your lives and have a new one to look forward to, its laziness of his behalf dumping himself in your house with his new baby from a different relationship,i wouldn't have it for a whole host of reasons, he needs to put some time aside for the children he had with you.

Your ex dh's selfishness is gobsmaking. Let him show up with the baby and he'll start suggesting you babysit. You are absolutely right to say no. If he complains, ask him if he fancies you showing up at his place with your new baby to have a nice chat with his child bride.

Your house, your rules. You don't need excuses to tell anyone they are not welcome in your house.

Good God. Of course you are right. This is not your problem.

Does he not feel like he's messed his children up enough?

It sounds to me like you are a fantastic mother and have been extremely strong to pick yourself up from that terrible betrayal and act in a way that is best for your children. A massive well done.

I wouldn't lie to him since that implies you are in the wrong. I would tell him straight that you're not up to guests at the moment and that new baby or not he has to make time for the children he already has and not just the two he's looking after at home. Tell him you think he is being selfish.

ledkr, I'm really sorry to hear you've gone through all this but it does sound as if you've made the best of a bad situation & have moved forward.

I would set some ground rules- if I understood correctly this is the first baby your ex husband has had with his new partner? If so, then the two of you need to come to an agreement on how the relationship between the siblings will work eg where they'll meet, when etc. How could you do this though when you say he hasn't really been in touch with the children all these years, or not enough anyway, is another matter.

What would you like to happen? What kind of contact would you think is appropriate / desirable?

Why does he only want to see your dd?

Thanks everyone,im glad too much focus wasnt put upon the age of the girl cos that wasnt my fault and of course i went down the pervert/paedophile route with him but it is unfortunately not illegal and i was just thinking of the children at the time and didnt think a ban on contact or dad on the sex offenders register would benefit them.
phipps DD is 8 wheras our boys are 25 24 and 20 so they make thier own arrangements,but the older 2 want nothing to do wih him(she was younger than them and in their circle of friends) DS 3 feels the same but will see him and i do encourage ex to do this.
He actually turned up just now with said baby which he bought into the house despite dd being ready to go out.It was as if he was determined to make me see her.I have no feelings about her either way she is a baby and very cute but i dont see why i need to see her??DD was excited but strange and will need some tlc later.I am also going to say to him that he needs to make time to see her on her own and not always with the baby who he will be with all the time.I will see how she is when back,poor thing.

oh yeah i showed him my 3d scan pics as i thought id make him as uncomfortable as he was making me-it worked haha

Give up with the game playing and put your energy into making sure your daughter is okay. Maybe your ex finally realises what he has done and he wants both his daughters to have a relationship.

And a 36 year old having a relationship with a 16 year old is not a peodophile ffs.