Competitive 'moving on'?

[onestepforward]

Found out today that xh has been seeing someone since Aug. We split just over a year ago and whilst I knew this day was coming I am so much more upset than I bargained for.

Annoyingly I had been asking over and over for him to tell me as soon as he did start seeing someone, preferably by email so I could retain my dignity, and he only did so today as I told him I had been out on my first date.

Bit of background, we tried for a baby for a long time then had sucessful IVF but once our dd was born he decided he no longer loved me and we limped on for another year. We are on good terms for DD and see each other weekly and often do stuff together for dd.

I have been filling in divorce forms so thought I was accepting of everything and am much happier now than I was 2 years ago and don't have 'feelings' about xh when I see him. But I am gutted at this news. Am terrified he will make a new family with this girl and feel resentful that he has stolen the future we should have had together and a potential other child (although I know in reality that he would have to have IVF again to father a child).

Why am I so upset? Did I really think we would get back together or am I just jealous that he has a new relationship and I don't?

Stupid thing is until today I didn't really want a relationship and was in the frame of mind that it was best to try internet dating so I could get over it feeling 'weird' and maybe meet someone if it was meant to be.

Sorry, SUCH a ramble. Is this normal??? Feel like I'm back at square one.

Have to go out now for dinner with friends and they are going to expect me to be full of juicy gossip about my date and all I want to do is weep in a corner.

This does feel quite theraputic though so thank you

Sorry you are feeling low- it will pass, honestly.

If you want indecent haste, though, I knew a bloke once who actually signed up for a dating site while his girlfriend was still on the phone finishing with him! Some people have no shame.

Thanks BOF, you have made me smile!

Aaah poor you, once the shock of it is over I hope you'll feel OK about it, it's bound to be different in reality to just knowing it'll happen one day. He's a bit of a git not to have told you before now IMO. Am sure your friends will cheer you up in no time; but steer clear of gin just in case.
There's no rush for a new relationship, try lighthearted dating for a while; if you sincerely promise yourself a year of being single before you start looking in earnest you are guaranteed to meet someone; and years down the line may regret not playing the field a bit more at this point! No I don't (just) mean nookie but the fun of dressing up for a date, getting to know someone, and going over it all with your girlfriends afterwards! Are you interested in having another DC or more if the right person comes along?

I am an only child and have always been adamant I wouldn't only have one child but it's one thing to want a baby when you can't and if I was faced with possibility I'm not sure I'd feel the same! To make myself chill out a bit I keep thinking that I could end up with someone with 5 kids and she would have a sudden huge family! It's not so much the only child childhood that worries me (I had a great one) more the later life...

Like your advice about the lighthearted dating see am cheered up already! Off out now will avoid gin!

"If you want indecent haste, though, I knew a bloke once who actually signed up for a dating site while his girlfriend was still on the phone finishing with him! Some people have no shame."

Who says blokes can't multi task.

Exactly

She is a good friend, OTB- I couldn't believe the weaselly twat she went out with though. There's one born every minute.

Have been out for dinner and now feel much better especially as there was a comedy dessert which was totally phallic, I wish I had taken a photo!

Glad you've cheered up- it's totally normal to feel fucked off, honestly. I got divorced about ten years ago, and my ex is having an unplanned baby with his subsequent on-off partner, and marrying in the new year. I don't give a shit on any level that matters, but it fucks me off a bit that I am in the most important happiest relationship of my life now, and have been for five years, yet we can't afford to get married and have babies. It will look like he has moved on and I haven't. Ah well. Them's the breaks.

Can I add, that not only has he admitted to having a girlfriend but today has admitted he is going with her on his forthcoming holiday to Australia. I am fuming (not that he is going with her so much, fuming that he didn't tell me). He goes on Thursday FGS and book it ages ago.

Wow - wonder why he didn't tell you? Might be worth asking him. For the sake of your DD you'll need to stay on civilised terms. Ask him to be 100% honest in future and hopefully he'll be v apologetic and prob feels guilty about not telling you before now. He'll know how it feels in due course when you hook up with someone serious (inevitable!), until then he probably can't really imagine how you might be feeling. Men!