how do i leave him?

[howtoleavehim]

i think i have come to the end of the road with dp.

he isn't abusive or anyth9ing like that, I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. he makes me unhappy and resentful and i want my 3 children to live in a happy home, not an unhappy one.

so where do i go? sadly I was enjoying being a sahm and basically living on his salary. the house is in joint names, but the only money I have to my name is £1500 in the bank and my CB and CTC.

I am not sure how to leave him. I don't think I'd be entitled to the house and in any case, I couldn't pay the mortgage on it as I don't work.

any advice gratefully received

Ok. Lots of positives here.

You have a large wad of money in savings. £1,500 is not a small amount.

You have a joint house. This can be sold and you can use your share of the equity to get a smaller place for you and the children.

You would be entitled to the house as you would be the main carer of the children (I am assuming?)

You can work, in the future, even if you don't now, and in the meantime you will be entitled to some benefits until you get yourself sorted out and in a job.

Your DH will pay maintainance for three children. He may be amicable and pay more than the bare minimum. He may helo you out financially for the sake of his children.

I'd start by talking to him, telling him you want to end it.

Go to www.entitledto.com to see what you can claim in benefits until you get a job sorted.

Do some online research about applying for a divorce.

thank you. we aren't married

i have told him, but he isn't taking me seriously because i have said this before and then not done it.

yes, the house will have to be sold I guess, but we have hardly paid any of the mortgage off so i don't think i'll end up with much

i wouldn't be entitled to housing benefit or anything like that to put towards the mortgage would i?

if i have money in savings and from the sale of the house will that affect my being able to get a council house/flat? would i have to rent privately until my money ran out?

Do you love him? Would you consider relationship counselling? Might be worth trying before you leave, just for the kids sake. Have you thought how hard it is to get a job at the moment, what childcare you will use, how benefits are changing at the moment. If you're just a bit unhappy maybe you could try to fix things first ? Could anyone have the kids for a night so you and dp could go away and try to rekindle something?

have been trying to do that for the last year or so bigchris
i suggested counselling to him and he said "do you think we need it then?" he doesn't even see that there is a problem

i've been trying to make it work but no, i don't think i love him any more.

i see my best friend who recently got married and i am so jealous because she gets to be with someone she loves. and i don't.

Are your children his?

What did you say when he asked if you thought you both needed the counselling?

yes, the children are his.

i said "well, things aren't very happy here right now are they?" and he just did his "meh, whatever" face and that was that

Well men tend to do that. I got my DH to counselling only by threatening to leave and many arguments and tears.

Have you asked him is HE happy? Does he still love you?

he says he loves me and the children but tbh nothing he does in day to day life ever shows us that

he is lazy, he doesn't help me with anything round the house
he won't go on holiday with us
he never does anything with the children
he was not involved at all in choosing a school for ds, just wouldn't comment on anything i said about it
won't help me pick christmas presents for them
won't go on days out with us because it's "too stressful"

he regularly ignores mother's day, my birthday, christmas.

it isn't just this... this is just an idea of what it is like living with him. he doesn't seem to care at all about us and sees us all as more of a burden than anything else. it's all just too much effort for him. he never seems to enjoy the chilren or want to do things for/with them.

Hmm. Sounds soul destroying.

yeah it is and it's gradually made me more and more resentful of him and we have blazing rows and i tell him it needs to change and he says it will and it never does

my kids don't need this do they? they need to be in a happy house and this house isn't happy right now

What he wants is free domestic service and (presumably) sex on tap. He doesn't really give a toss about you and no, there is no reason why you should put up with this. Go to the CAB or see a solicitor, most apparently give free half-hour initial consultations, check out what you are entitled to and make your plans accordingly.

I think you are definately making the right decision to leave. You only have one life, don't waste it with someone who you don't love and who doesn't love you back.

Totally agree with overmydeadbody
I feel so for you
hope someone with practical suggestions comes soon

From what you've said, there's nothing to keep you together. I think you need to end it and get out. Yes, it will involve some big changes, and if you don't have much equity in the house, then neither of you will end up with a big wodge - but that's life. In your position, I would start looking for work, and planning for the future.

SEGB points out what your partner is getting from the relationship - free domestic service and sex on tap. It looks like what you are getting is a mortgage and bills paid. (and possibly sex on tap). Neither are noble reasons for remaining in a relationship which is soul destroying. Be the proactive one, and show that you are prepared to forego the 'perks' of being with this man, for the sake of being honest with yourself