feel like dp is asking 'permission' to leave

[napoleona]

Hi, i had an AIBU about this but thought maybe it would be better to bring it over here, dp and i had a big row a couple of days ago due to me asking if his rels were coming to visit this weekend, i didnt have a problem with it at all, in fact thought it would be nice! just wanted confirmation as i am having dental surgery this morning which is quite long and involved (dread). he flipped out saying i was controlling, abnormal for wanting to know in advance and that i am no fun anymore, i have changed since we got together etc. anyway, he then sent me a text the following day to say 'i dont think its good for any of us that we dont get on anymore (ie us and the dc's) and if you have had enough of me i will understand' ffs - this to me seems like he is asking for me to end the relationship. i told him i still feel the same about him, nothing has changed except we now have 2 kids and i work a stressful job as well as do everything around the house/childcare. i try my best to make his life as easy as possible, as he has quite a long commute every weekday, and i think i put myself last most of the time. i feel a bit like saying ''go on then, you are free to go'' shall i??

oo... tough one. I think if he is wanting out, then he should have the balls to say so. Do you want him to leave? Because you may feel like saying 'yes, leave' but is that what you want? Do you think there might be other reasons why he is thinking about leaving (like another woman?)

This sounds like he trying to transfer all responsibility to you. It also sounds like a huge over reaction from him to your question re the relatives. I would simply ask him what he means by the statement and what his ideas are fir improving the situation. Let him articulate rather than hint.

Don't get involved in these sorts of games. If you want your relationship to work then say so, and suggest counselling etc. If you don't particularly, then say so and let him move out. There is no point in second guessing what he might want.

This is very common from what I've seen. I've known a lot of friends whose relationships have been at the end whose men just wait around for the woman to say, right, enough, get out. Because then they can say it was her decision.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you but don't give him the satisfaction. If he wants to leave (and it sounds like he's making rows out of nothing at all) he can do it himself. Do you think he's met someone else? I don't want to upset you but that could be an explanation?

re the relatives he cancelled them coming this weekend (?? just because i asked if they were coming??) the reason i think he wants out is because just before xmas last year we had this same thing, with him saying he was unhappy and that i had changed and that time he got close to leaving, i reminded him of this yesterday and he said he needs time to think about his reacion to things, i also went to relate last year but he refused to go. there is no way he will do counselling, we have had that conversation so many times. i do love him, and i really dont want the kids to suffer at all, but at the end of the day what if this just happens over and over? my self esteem is taking a knock from him saying ''you've changed. you're no fun'' i am fun btw! and i like a laugh and i am a young 40! if anything i think he is the grumpy one out of the two of us.

do you know what, i think im going to do the exact opposite of what i normally do (which is try to fix things) i am going to say yes you are right our relationship is crap, we dont get on and we need to seperate. i dont think there is another woman but it is possible, he always has women falling over him at work.

I totally agree with TPL. Be clear about what you want and put it to him. If you're up for a slightly different opinion, this is a great article theweek.com/article/index/99512/The_last_word_He_said_he_was_leaving_She_ignored_him

From my perspective is this 'keeps happening' that sound exhausting for you.. :-(

If he chooses to leave then that is probably mostly about the choices he wants to make in life and not 'your fault' as he is making it out to be.

Pity he can't have a proper conversation.

The kids will probably be happier if their mum is happier, even if she is single. Besides, you never know what great next thing is waiting for you.

It does sound like he is hoping you will tell him to go so that he can play the injured party.

Only tell him to go if you really are prepared for him to do so - don't call his bluff, it might backfire.

There is this idea that you can let them go if you love them and they will come back to you if they love you but frankly I wouldn't take the risk.

Sometimes they are just depressed themselves (note, sometimes) and are just looking for you to fight for the relationship - most times it is just looking for the Get Out of Jail Free card.

thanks very much xx

He sounds really stressed. It may be because he really wants out but it may be just because everything's changed, he can't see where you're all going and he feels powerless. You sound like you're not enjoying things too much either. notyummy's advice to get him to think about improving the situation and articulate himself properly seem like the most sensible first step.

Also, just a thought but trying to make his life as easy as possible when you're all under pressure might not be the best general approach. Obviously I can't tell from one sentence in one post - but is it possible you're taking on so much he doesn't feel like he's really involved? I'm not trying to blame you - he should be speaking up when he's unhappy, not lashing out. But what I thought when I saw that sentence was that this is a situation that has been building for a while and that you've reacted by trying to insulate him from the changes. And if that's the case, might I suggest you stop doing that and instead decide together how you can all adjust so that you can all enjoy life.

ONe explanation could be that he likes to keep you on the hop, and that he hopes he has convinced you that the Worst Thing Ever would be if he leaves. SO that every time he thinks the domestic service is lacking, or you haven't sucked his dick enough or (god forbid) you seem to be feelling happy, he's going to start acting up again in order to keep you unsettled and scurrying around trying to placate and keep him.

I this SGB has nailed it, it's about control.

Napoleona, if you try the, 'Oh if you really feel that way' tack, and call his bluff, I'll be very surprised if he doesn't panic.

Don't tell him to go, word it so that it's his decision, and that you are sad about it but love him so don't want to see him sad.

Of course if it IS control, when you remove this mechanism for him, he'll have to find another way.

I have experience of this for years. If SGB is correct in your situation, then, yes, it is to keep you in a permanent insecure state of uncertainty, to never know where you stand and it can be literally from one minute to the next. It is soul-destroying and means you live in a state of permanent limbo.

I hope he is saying this to get your attention in a clumsy way because he wants to really work on your relationship, but he needs to be able to articulate this instead of just responding to you like this; otherwise he is just either looking for the cowardly way of putting the blame onto you so you make the decision for him and he can feel sorry for himself and wronged, or, it is about 'control'. The second two options can of course both exist together.

LMHF - is right. If there is a repetitive pattern of him putting the responsibility onto you, stop this by making clear that it is HIS decision.