Hello again everybody,
Yes! My apologies for the mass of text but I also guess that it's kind of like blurting everything out all at once, I've never really spoken to anybody about it all and I already feel that it's been kind of therapeutic for me so here we go again, paragraphs included this time!...
I'm new here and I've been reading some threads that are vaguely the same as some of the problems I have but I want to tell my own story and ask for some words of advice and well, I guess encouragement that I am doing the right thing. I'll start at the beginning and it's long so brace yourselves!
I met my DP almost 4 years ago, we were friends at first and then he kissed me out of the blue one day and I guess you could say that things just kind of went from there. I always thought he was attractive but I never thought we would end up in a relationship or anything and at first we did just enjoy each others company without letting anybody in on the fact that we were an "item". We always had lots of ups and downs but I think we'd enjoyed each others company a lot and got a lot out of being with each other.
About two years ago and about a year into our relationship (we were friends for a year first)I went through a patch of feeling insecure about myself which I'm sure DP played a big part in, I felt really lonely and cut off emotionally from him. I checked his mobile phone one night and found sent messages, saved messages and stored messages to a woman whose name was an alias in his phone book. From what I could make out the sent messages and saved messages were innocent enough but the drafts he'd made and hadn't sent were showing that he had some kind of infatuation with this woman. When I confronted him he denied it all and got very angry at me for checking his phone. He said that sometimes he gets lonely and that helped him but we never really spoke of it again because of his avoidance of the subject and anger if I broached it. A few months after that I was sitting at his p.c and got a pop up saying that a porn video had finished downloading and as an ex exotic dancer I am hardly what you would call a prude but this was quite sickening stuff. Again I confronted him and at first he tried to say it was a extra spam what you get with a normal download and that he'd had to delete loads of violent pornographic images himself recently from innocent downloads but didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to upset me after what we had been through recently.
A few days later I was using his computer again and searching for my c.v and came across mountains of pornographic images and videos, a lot of it was quite distubing, of the violent sort. Yet again I had it out with him, this time I was so angry, at the deceit mainly and told him that I wanted to be on my own whilst I decide what my next move would be. We at the time were practically neighbours which is not the best for having alone time and within about a week we were back like the old days and though I felt incredibly hurt and confused I believed that he was having a hard time with Uni and family issues and I saw the goodness in him and wanted everything to be fine like it was before, niave I know.
Our relationship from then on was never quite the same but it felt comfortable, even the bad times felt comfortable. About six months later I fell pregnant. Told DP the news and got mixed reactions from him. I was unsure about what to do also. I live in a foreign country and took a gap year (that has lasted about seven gap years) and I wanted things to be so different if I brought another human being into the world and into my life. At first DP made noises in reference to being a dad and having a little family but it quickly changed and before long he was asking if I wanted help to arrange an abortion. I asked him to back off and let me have some space whilst I decided what to do. I decided to go through with it. His reaction was astounding. He told me that if I didn't have an abortion then he would kill himself. I was so incredibly, deeply hurt by this, I'm almost crying here now. I had to get out so I returned to my home country and told him that I would have an abortion there which of course I had no intention of doing.
I had a ton of problems with finding housing and being put back in all the systems (if you're gone for more than 3 years it can be a bit iffy with citizenship rules) and all this when I was 16+ weeks pregnant. We had emailed back and forth and I told him that I'd decided not to get an abortion and that he could be a part of the childs life if he wanted but that basically I didn't want or need anything from him anymore.
He began to sound different. He said he'd had time to think about it and that he was sure it could work after all and that wouldn't I please come back and we could be so happy. He said everything a lonely pregnant lady could possibly want to hear. He articulated it all so well (something I always have a problem with) and made it sound crazy for it to be any other way. I returned to his country when I was 35 weeks pregnant, late last year and we were so busy with all our plans and arrangements for the birth that everything was kind of a blur up until about a week after the happy day (baby is gorgeous, healthy and happy) when I again found that particular type of pornography on our now shared computer. I felt so exhausted and also still amazingly blissful from the birth that I just let it slip for the time being, I really didn't want to be having an argument then but when he got stroppy with me about a month later I brought it up. His excuse was "yeah, well, I'm so unhappy and it's just escapism etc.) I could feel myself growing more and more distant with him, it was all just making me feel so dead and cold inside.It was around this time that he started to completely ignore me, put me down or degrade me on a daily basis and it lasted for months, he was depressed, for sure, I'll give him that but that's no reason to drag me through hell and back.
The big defining moment for me was on Mothers Day (of all days and my first mothers day!) of this year when he left the computer for a moment to use the bathroom and I went to log onto my mail and clicked his tab away which showed another window. What I saw knocked me for six. There was a headless, topless (and photoshopped! (glad I can chuckle now)) photo of him on his profile at adult match dot com, there was messages from about 8 or 9 women but in my daze I couldn't see any details. I was sick and dizzy and my heart was pounding and it really felt like my heart was tearing out. Before he'd even had time to get back from the bathroom (2 minutes felt like 2 hours) I was grabbing baby and packing a bag and getting out of that door. He was like, what's wrong, he looked sick, he knew what I'd just saw. I got out and stayed at friends for a while then moved back into our old place whilst he stayed with his parents.
Slowly our contact grew again, he was quite persistent but I have to admit that it was nice having someone around again, even someone who could hurt me so. It really is so hard to live in a foreign country, I had no income, relied on him for most things and it seemed to make sense that he was in babys life and that seemed easier if we were together. A few weeks ago he was being deceitful again (porn and adult meeting sites), I found out and basically at the moment feel that this is just insane, I'm punishing myself for nothing, he doesn't think there's a problem, doesn't want help so I'm gone. Again I stayed with a friend and cleared my head and I feel a little closer to my goal now. I want to be happy. I want to be with my baby and be happy and anything on top of that will be a great bonus. I'm not really sure if I can ever get over this kind of deceit.
Have any of you girls? Sometimes I think that it's kind of better the devil you know, if he seeks help and works on his issues do you think things could still have a chance of working? I'll love to hear all your comments and I'll read everything. I know there's loads of gaps missing and I haven't covered everything but it gives some idea of what my problems are and any of your insight or words of wisdom are much appreciated...
Jeez, just previewed this, it's long! confused