how much do you see your PIL

[minimisa]

My husband is very close / dutiful to his parents and sees them most weeks. I find them hard work, nothing awful but neither are they great company so as much as possible I try to get him to take the kids on his own while I have some time off (I'm a SAHM). He would like me to spend more time with them than I do (one meet up a month, a bit more at holiday time and one long weekend a year) and I'd like him to see them less (he quite often does stuff with them leaving me at home with the kids - often he doesn't really want to but has a very developed sense of duty). What I want to know is AIBU? More than anything I'm curious about what's 'normal'. I have virtually no family of my own which may be part of the issue.

At least 3 times a year, they are four hours away.

Wish it was more TBH, they are lovely.

I see them roughly once a week, DH and DC see them roughly twice a week. We see mine about the same amount.

DH sees his mum pretty much every day. She lives close and is nice.

I think it's also important to take into acount how long is spent with them - we see my PILs every six weeks, but it is a 48-hour visit, most of which is spent in their lounge [apart from obviously sleep time]. I'd prefer to see them every week for an hour a time!

every week they just turn up for coffee at the weekend and it pisses me off big time, i have tried to get them to maybe take the kids out for an hour or phone ahead but no, they just turn up, and if the doors locked they just open with the emergency key we gave each set of our parents!!

I so agree ilovemountains.

I would love my parents and ils to live closer so that they or we could go home at the end of the visits instead of people having to stay the blardy night.

When I was a little girl my grandmother came to our house every other Sunday for Sunday lunch and would stay until about 6 or 7 in the evening.

To me that seems the ideal!

I've really had my eyes opened. I am very lucky in the fact I only live a couple of miles from most of my family.

I didnt realise how lucky I was seeing my grandchildren two or three times a week (including babysitting).

When I was younger and my children were young I saw my parents and his parents at least once a week - and that was with husband working offshore. My inlaws used to come and stay with me a couple of days a month. When husband came home inlaws and my parents would readily babysit for us whenever we wanted.

It would break my heart if I couldnt see my grandchildren each week and when any of us on holiday I miss them so much. My heart goes out to anyone who does not have the closeness I have.

Susiedaisy - that would drive me crazy too - as much as Im close to my family I WOULD NEVER presume it is ok just to turn up unannounced. I never have done and never will do that.

People deserve a bit of warning even if it is just an hour or so.

Never - they died before we met.

We see my parents (his LOL) about every 6wks

Sorry, that 'lol' in my post should have read 'PIL' Damned phone likes to correct me

I think one of the things I find hard is that they don't really seem to think about how much hard work having two young kids is. So if DH sees them he nearly always goes to their house. They live very close and have a car (as do we) but for him to go to them means taking all the baby stuff we need (cot, high-chair, toys etc) so lots of hard work for DH (who never grumbles). If it was my mum she'd say 'don't be silly I'll come to yours'. Similarly, they fairly frequently ask DH to do things with them that don't include the kids (and me by extension) and don't seem to get that it's in any way significant him not being with us at the weekends to do these things. Again, my mum would never do this. I've dropped some very unsubtle hints here but they just seem to fall on deaf ears.....

Forget the subtle hints! If you think what they are asking for is too stressful/eating into your family time, tell your DH and ask him to have a word about perhaps reducing the frequency?

Oops sorry, just noticed your post said "unsubtle"! I'd keep trying....

minimisa why on earth would you need to take all these things for your youngest when you are only visiting for a short time.

I visited my inlaws weekly with four children and never once had to carry all that stuff. Surely you dont need a cot and high chair for a short visit. Go after your youngest has had a nap if necessary. High chair - why can they not sit on your knee/or DH knee for that matter for just one meal - never hurt any of mine and certainly did not lead to any bad habits.

I must admit I dont agree with excluding you from 'family outtings'. All or none as far as I see it.

AnotherMum, I know it seems a bit crazy but he takes high chairs or support seats as we've got twins and so eating on the lap is pretty much impossible (as I've said the PILS are not hands on so they wouldn't do one) and he takes cots as his mum likes him to stay for lunch which is there naptime. It's not designed around what's easy for us!

Susiedaisy Time for some new locks!

My PIL live 24hr flight away, so we see them every two years for 6-8 weeks. It's very intense, I'd rather see them every week for a couple of hours. But according to DH if we lived close they'd stop in every day, which is partly why he moved to this side of the world.

DD and I see my mum once or twice a week, and DH sees her about 1 in 5 of those.

So I think the amount you see your PIL is reasonable. And if your DH is seeing them to the detriment of your own family time I'd suggest trying to change that. But I don't know how, sorry.