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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Give me a reassuring boost, he's a bully

23 replies

duejuly2010 · 12/11/2010 15:59

Long and short: (although it's turned out quite long!) my partner and I split up 2 weeks ago and I told him to leave because I realised I was scared of him during arguments - he's left bruises on me at least 3 times in 18 months and grabs/pulls me about during arguments, lately every time we have a spat. He's also made me feel very insecure by dumping me whenever he wants one over in an argument.

He wanted to try and work through things so this week we've been to relationship counselling and he went to anger management - apparently they said there's nothing they can do to stop the physical side of things and that I had to stop winding him up.

He's today said it's not going to ever work because I won't take joint responsibility for everything. Basically he says if I didn't moan at him he wouldn't get physical which we all know is bull.

His idea of me moaning - he strolls in at 6pm when he's supposed to cook (which I only ask him to do every few weeks) but something always comes up on these days when usually he's in at 4pm, another example is we agree to get a dog and I say from day 0 that I don't want him feeding it human food by hand, he ignores this after the first few weeks and then insists it's his dog and he'll do what he likes. Result a dog who follows you around wanting bits of food ALL the time.

So it''s basic couple stuff I moan and he argues back. His expectation of this split is that I stop moaning at all to him. Basically he wants to do what and when he likes. If I do moan it gives him free reign to be angry and agressive (which he says he knows is wrong but something he can't change)

Lord give me strength

Oh and I've been having tests for cervical cancer and he's told me to hurry up and die in arguments so that he can have his son to himself. He also says I'm not considerate of the familys feeling because I'm keeping it together too well...but what about them apparently....

Girls give me strength!

OP posts:
PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 12/11/2010 16:01

Strength on it's way. You can do it, it's in black and white so no avoiding the truth.

DON'T GO BACK!!!

Xales · 12/11/2010 16:03

OMFG

You need a boost?

Sorry but bullshit if he went to anger management and it's all your fault.

Hurry up and die?

Please don't go back there you will regret it big time when it's not just bruises.

HE IS A WANKER.

Hope that is a little strength to help!!

desiretochange · 12/11/2010 16:05

Did he tell you that they said it was all your fault at anger management?

Stay away from him, he is no good for you!

chippy47 · 12/11/2010 16:06

And boys as well if that is ok:

'He wanted to try and work through things so this week we've been to relationship counselling and he went to anger management - apparently they said there's nothing they can do to stop the physical side of things and that I had to stop winding him up.'

That was his version of events re anger management I assume - if not then get another anger management therapist because the one he saw must have missed a few classes.

Basically a twunt. He must have his good points or else you would not be with him but your op says enough for any of the good to be outweighed by the bad (the bruises alone are enough for you to walk away or kick him out -and the dog).

This is not normal from my terms of reference (or anybodies???. Get out of this abusive relationship whilst you still can.

perfumedlife · 12/11/2010 16:06

So sorry you have the cancer test hanging over you. The last thing you need is this loser. Do not take him back, he is a bully and a liar. So the therapist said there is nothing you can do about his violent tendancies did she? Hmm

Yes there is. DUMP HIM Problem solved.

Briar · 12/11/2010 16:08

"apparently they said there's nothing they can do to stop the physical side of things and that I had to stop winding him up."

  • BULLSHIT THEY SAID THIS!!!...Oh IMO!

Keep strong and stay away from him FOREVER.

deste · 12/11/2010 16:09

He wants it all his own way doesn't he. and apparently they said there's nothing they can do to stop the physical side of things and that I had to stop winding him up. I dont believe they said that for one second. Walk away and dont look back. Do you want your son to grow up the same as him because that is what will happen. Being scared is no way to live.

timetosparkle · 12/11/2010 16:10

I don't think much of the counselling you went to if you were told that you had to stop winding him up/provocing him so he would not hit you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!That behaviour is his responsibility, not yours. He is abusive physically and he is abusive mentally - hence saying hurry up and die. An example of how his mind works.

timetosparkle · 12/11/2010 16:12

And classic bullying abusive behaviour - to be evil and cruel to you when you are vulnerable/worried and you are an easy target.Angry for you.

Briar · 12/11/2010 16:18

Stay away from this man for your sons sake if nothing else...being afraid of your own Fathers violence has a lifelong effect.

duejuly2010 · 12/11/2010 16:21

Thank you! on the blower to my mate, not ignoring you guys Smile

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 12/11/2010 16:22

Horrible, nasty bully. Get rid. You are worth more than that' Your DS needs a positive male role model, not this hideous excuse for a man.

QuietTiger · 12/11/2010 16:26

Oh and I've been having tests for cervical cancer and he's told me to hurry up and die in arguments so that he can have his son to himself. He also says I'm not considerate of the familys feeling because I'm keeping it together too well...but what about them apparently....

Shock Shock

Get rid of the this pathetic, childish bastard. What a complete and utter twunt.
As a point of reference as to how a "normal" partner should behave, I've just gone through 4 weeks of tests and a subsequent op for suspected ovarian cancer. All my DH has done is hug me, be kind, considerate and caring and hold me when I've been scared, telling me that he loves me and it'll be OK because he's there for me. If your DH is doing anything less whilst you're vulnerable and scared, he is a COCK.

Further, If he's abusing you, which his anger and hitting you is, and making it out it's your fault and he "can't control it", then he's a double cock with knobs on and he needs a good kick in the balls. I don't think I have ever read anything that has made me so angry on someone elses behalf (yours) before.

It's so easy to say, but walk away. You need support now while you're vulnerable and scared, not abuse and fear.

We're sending lots and hugs and prayers that it's not cervical cancer.

QT xxx

duejuly2010 · 12/11/2010 16:41

Thankyou guys, just to add he doesn't hit me he's put his hands around my throat, pinched me, grabbed my nose twice to shake my head and pulled me from one room to another, all leaving bruises one of which was abou 3ins x 2ins and purple. But apparentlt it's not that bad because he didn't hit me lol.

I'm totally with everything you guys are saying but just needed to hear it from others because I agree with you all and the way he makes it out is that I'm over reacting and need to get off my high horse.

Just occasionally I wonder if it's not that bad but I know in my heart is most definately is and I've just accepted and forgiven too too much over the months.

Thank you x

OP posts:
timetosparkle · 12/11/2010 16:49

He doesn't hit you. So what. He does all the other violence.

Hands around your throat - you do not want to experience that again.

You do not want to walk around with bruises on you because of him.

You need nice, kind people around you who are supportive.

Briar · 12/11/2010 16:54

He hasn't punched/hit you directly so far duejuly2010... as you haven't been fully moulded/trained YET!

Let's keep it that way ... an untrained and independent you!

Keep safe. x

duejuly2010 · 12/11/2010 16:55

Yes of course mens input would be gratefully received!

Anger management apparently said we can't change your behaviour but we can try to avoid situations which trigger it - me being a saint according to my ex 'I will stop getting the way i do IF you stop winding me up'. I am but a woman though and I will moan if he refuses to cook etc. I can't stop that which is what I've told him. And I've said that what needs to change is his extremes of behaviour because everything else is run of the mill part and parcel of a relationship.

In the meantime he came around earlier today and had a go because I'm spending the next two nights at my mums because there's a carnival going on and a lot of my old friends will be going. He thinks though I should be staying home so we can work through our issues...NO! I've had to keep it together for two weeks, looking after three children (2 from previous partner) on my own whilst he's been getting drunk every night. I deserve a break from everything and some me time. Result a text saying it'll never work because I'm not prepared to take half the blame and work on my issues....hmmm but didn't he spend all this morning moaning at me which apparently I'm not allowed to do.

Sorry guys, rant over Grin

OP posts:
QuietTiger · 12/11/2010 17:05

Result a text saying it'll never work because I'm not prepared to take half the blame and work on my issues....hmmm but didn't he spend all this morning moaning at me which apparently I'm not allowed to do.

Tell the stupid bastard that "Damn right it'll never work, because he's a twunt and arsehole and you're not putting up with his childish behaviour any more". Then change the locks and put his stuff in a black bag on the street. Grin

QT

duejuly2010 · 12/11/2010 17:10

locks already changed and he's taken all his stuff Grin

OP posts:
QuietTiger · 12/11/2010 17:32

Good girl! Grin

Now I'm sending biiiiig hugs that the cervical cancer thing is just a scare. xxxx

QT

duejuly2010 · 12/11/2010 18:11

{smile] pre cancerous cells have been picked up from a smear before I got pregnant, several colposcopys (examinations whilst I was P)said it was progressing and a biopsy now I've given birth confirms I need 'further treatment' next week - eek! Googled it far too much and as I've already had a biopsy I have a feeling they'll be doing a cone biopsy to see if it's gone deeper - if it has it's the big ol C Confused. Still...chin up and cross that bridge when I come to it.

Off to the carnival now, yey!

OP posts:
Miggsie · 12/11/2010 18:14

If anger management said the only thing was for you to change then that is a load of shite and ignore it completely.

You cannot be responsible for someone else's emotional responses. He gets angry basically when things don't go his way.

He is a bully, never ever go near him again.

It is not you, it's HIM.

BTW, there was someone I knew at work like this and the response "you are talking crap, go away" said in a very calm voice works wonders.

JamieLeeCurtis · 12/11/2010 19:27

I'm pretty damn sure the anger mgt class thing was HIS words. There's plenty of evidence that he's not exactly honourable and truthful.

Have nothing more to do with him. This is going to sound pretty wanky, but I wish you could come to my house and see what a good partner is like. How he deals with stress, how he conducts himself during arguments. How he would never say anything even fractionally as cruel, let alone lay a hand on me.

I don't get that treatment because I'M special (or perfect). I get it because my DH is normal and loving. You deserve it too

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