would you go it alone ?

[ohcrapwhatnow]

Name changed for this.

Not 100% sure about future of relationship. DP usually lovely and committed but has secretive habits, particularly on internet. I know he uses porn (used to be a lot, now less so apparently). Locks his profile on the computer we share. Has used escorts in the past. This was nearly a dealbreaker, didn't tell me until well after we'd moved in together and then only after I'd seen a text from an escort agency on his phone. Not sure I've totally got over my disgust.

Shit. Just not sure enough about this man.

My age is a big factor. I do want a family but if I end this relationship I will probably have to go it alone to get there i.e. donor sperm.

Anyone gone down that route ?

How old are you?

I'm 37. Not quite at the end of the road yet but I don't trust fate enough to drop Mr Right in my lap in time.

Don't have a child with a man that you're not 100% sure about. Unless you're happy to be a lone parent.

In theory I'm happy to be a lone parent, otherwise wouldn't even consider DI. But of course I haven't done it so have no idea how hard it might be. Put it this way, I would rather be a lone parent than not a parent at all.

If you do have a child with a man like this, only do it with your eyes wide open.

As he is prepared to be dishonest with you and hide important things from you, that upset and disgust you, you have to assume this will continue.

so there is a pretty big chance the relationship will fail. Having children always seems to put the problems in a relationship under the spotlight and makes them worse.

You then have to think whether or not you could cope not only with the practical problems of parenting without a partner - do you have back up nearby, what if you are ill, etc, etc but also the emotional difficulties of arranging contact/continuing a relationship with someone you may wish was well out of your life.

I wonder whether the real issue in circs like this is whether or not you really want a child because you want to love and nurture that child and experience the highs and lows of forming a relationship, guiding a child into adult hood etc, etc, or whether what you want is more the 'dream' of the happy family with mummy, daddy and child.

I do think you have to distinguish between the two. I got confused between them and ended up dealing with the aftermath of trying to manage a 'relationship' with my daughter's father after separating which is not great fun.

I would probably have been much better off remaining single and looking at adoption/fostering options.

But whatever you do, think really carefully about it and make sure your eyes are open to all the possible issues.

thanks spero this is good advice.

I've given this a lot of thought. For me, the imperative is to raise a child, the happy family thing would be ideal but it's not the main motivation for me.

I am not so worried about the relationship with dp failing for my own sake. I do worry about the future impact on a child. DP is a nice guy, just with some slightly unsavoury past (?) habits which still bother me. I don't think it would turn into a nightmare for us if we couldn't hold the relationship togeher, but as I said I wouldn't want to put a child through that.

OFFS, if time is an issue, which I don't necessarily agree with, but why are you wasting a second of it on someone as despicable as this?

Hit the road, fast!

Have you considered adoption/fostering? Or would you only want your own baby?

I do worry a bit about the implications for a child about never knowing his or her father, or only meeting him when they are adults, but I suppose that is just another one of the things to think through.

I would definitely consider adoption but probably not fostering long term. I would only want to adopt if I had really left it too late to have my own baby.I also worry about the implications of my child not knowing their father. I guess I worry about the implications of anyting other than the perfect happy family

littlemiss, I don't think dp is despicable. That's your judgment and you're entitled to make it but life isn't black or white. There are many, many good things about dp as a person : he is kind, patient and loving. You would never think him to be the kind of man who would be into that stuff. Which is why I'm struggling with this and haven't hit the road yet.

Have you talked to dp about all this? If so, what is his reaction?

I think his ability and/or willingness to talk about this with you would be a very good indicator of whether or not he could stay the course as a parent.

Of course, the 'perfect family life' you see about you may be anything but behind closed doors, but it is a very powerful totem and you will have to be sure you could cope long term if you didn't end up in such a family.

It took me two years to stop getting upset when I went to parties/christenings etc and was surrounded by happy families. I think there is quite a lot of stigma as well and people feeling 'sorry' for you, which is irritating.

My mum always told me if I was going to have a child with someone I shouldn't do it unless I was also prepared that I might have to do it alone... I did have a child with a man who turned out to be awful and by choice a single parent until she was 18 months when I met DH, we've been married for 4 years and have 2 more DC's. An awful lot of men do use porn so I wouldn't let this put you off, was the escort agency a regular thing and was he single at the time?

We do talk about it. He gets a little bit defensive but says that if it's on my mind we need to discuss it. I raised it late last night (bad timing) so we will probably talk about it again. I know what you mean spero about the perfect family being a powerful totem. There is a lot of stigma out there but we can't let it run our lives.

lollypoplady dp tells me the last time he used an escort was a couple of months before he met me. He was single at the time. I don't know how regular it was, I get the impression it was just a few times. He was very embarrassed about it and I didn't want to push for too much detail. Still, I don't know why the agency is still sending him texts nearly 2 years later

Personally if I really liked someone I wouldn't let the things you've said put me off(lots and lots men have sneaky peeks at porn on the internet, I have caught DH) but you're the one who is planning a future with him so if these things make you feel uncomfortable then it doesn't bode well. As for the escort thing I'm sure a fair few guys do this too as an easier option to cruising bars in the hopes of getting laid... They are a business and may be hassling him as they prob make a fortune off of lonely guys, I get emails, texts & junk mail from things I signed up to years ago. You need to sit down and talk to him