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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some encouragement to be strong please....

22 replies

Lozza83 · 12/11/2010 11:16

Hi ladies,

I'll try to keep this as short as possible but basically i need some help. The guy who i am seeing has been playing me for a fool since i met him. We have been seeing each other 5 months and he thinks it's ok to disappear for 4/5 days at a time (usually thurs - mond) and turns off his phone. He don't contact me in this time and when he comes back just says he was drinking and getting 'mash up' with his mates, This guy is 28 and some of you prob recognise this story as i posted a while back asking if i was over reacting. Think the thread was 'is it normal for a boyfriend to wanna go drinking with his mates every weekend' Anyway. i haven't seen him in 2 weeks and I have spoken to him twice in this time. He asked my why i took down my status on his fbook saying we were in a relationship. This really baffled me cos what does he expect? He just seems to think it is normal to act like this and come and go as he pleases. so, the reason for this thread is that i know i need to be strong and finish it with him when he comes over today but when i talk to him i just wanna cry and be with him. I'm so sad that he can't give me security and himself 100% but at the same time i've had enough and i know what i need to do :(

OP posts:
deepheat · 12/11/2010 11:26

Well, I'm a bloke and as attractive as the idea of getting lashed with the boys 4 days out of every week is, I'd fully expect my wife to kick me out in short time if I chose to do that. And I wouldn't blame her in the slightest.

Tbh, it actually doesn't even sound like a relationship - if you're committed to someone then you're committed to them 24/7, not at your own convenience.

Just take a look at what you're losing: Some companionship for 3 days a week, maybe some sex for 3 days a week, a little bit of fun. Those can be replaced with good mates (well, maybe not the middle one but give it time...)

On the other hand, you'll also be losing the feelings of insecurity, the feeling that you're being taken for a ride, the knowledge that you're in a completely unequal relationship and you'll be gaining a bit of hope for a good relationship in the future and I reckon a whole bucketload of self-esteem as well.

All the best.

HappySlapper · 12/11/2010 11:26

Hmmm. This is difficult. I can see why you're hurt, and feeling insecure, but having said that, he still should be free to come and go as he pleases.... how serious is it between you?

BibiBlocksberg · 12/11/2010 11:28

Well, I'm a fine one to talk since my DP is no angel either but really!!

Yours is taking the P with a giant capital P (and no D) imo Lozza83.

It's all set up so he can suit himself isn't it?

'Getting mashed up with his mates?' All week?
Certainly, but not on your time tell him.

Time to turn off your phone when he feels like resurfacing at the weekend or ignore ignore ignore until he gets the message.

You deserve much much better than this!!!

Sorry if sound like I'm having a go - angry at his antics that's all.

tomatoplantproject · 12/11/2010 11:28

Don't waste any more breath than you need to on this loser. He needs to ditch his nappies and either a) stop going on all weekend binges with his mates or b) stop seeing his other girlfriend. He is a tosspot.

My DH was lovely from our very first date... he always called when he said he would, and spent every possible spare moment with me. He now puts me before anything else, and I always know exactly where is. There are other gorgeous, funny, kind & sexy men out there who are much more deserving of your attentions Grin

Keep your facebook status as is, and have some fun with your RL friends.

michaelav · 12/11/2010 11:42

I would most definitely kick him to the kerb as that appears where he likes to spend most of his time when he's "mashed up" with his mates! Maybe if you don't want to finish it completely right now, it's time to give him an ultimatum ....... spend the weekends with you (maybe he could spend one weekend a month with his mates?) or it's over. But you need to stay strong if you finish it because if you give him empty threats, you're basically giving him the green light that it's ok really. Good luck and hope all goes well xxx

perfumedlife · 12/11/2010 12:11

Gawd, are you still with this loser?

You are not in a relationship, not a regular one at any rate. He is using you and you seem willing to allow him to use you. Don't you have a child?

TeeBee · 12/11/2010 12:11

He doesn't want to commit to a full relationship, you want a full relationship... there's the gap. Find someone who wants the same as you?

Original poster
Lozza83 · 12/11/2010 14:29

hey everyone thanks for your replies... yeah perfumed life i have a 5 yr old daughter and i have finally got to a place where i know i need to get rid i'm just worried that i'm gonna buckle when he tries to talk me round. Michaelav i did give him an ultimatum but he promises that its not going to happen again to do it again the next weekend... i need to be stronger and move on...i know i'm such a pushover!

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 12/11/2010 14:31

Lozza good for you for deciding! Now, if you can get a sitter, get yourself out with your girlfriends for a drink, somewhere he doesn't go, and have a laugh. Let them tell you how wrong he is, and listen.

Not one of us on here want you to be sat in night after night alone. But equally, no one wants you spending the entire weekend being blanked by a knob who does not deserve you.

Life is for living, and your dd needs a happy mum. Get rid, and you wont look back. x

perfumedlife · 12/11/2010 14:33

Ps Relationships are not meant to be such hard work. The fact this is means its not the right one. And while you sit around wasting time on the wrong guy, you are missing the chance to be out there meeting the right one. Smile

SaggyHairyArse · 12/11/2010 14:37

The thing is, you've only been seeing him for 5 months so it is still early days and you are expecting a lot from a relationship. That said, he obviously is still into partying and your needs won't be met by him anyway. It is a no brainer imo.

You need to feel secure all on your own, you don't need a man for that.

Xales · 12/11/2010 14:42

erm unavailable all weekend every weekend.

Going home to wife and kiddies?

Not around for 2 weeks (half term holiday) away with wife and kiddies fitting you in for a quick call when he can?

Even if not do you really want this after 5 months?

What a waste.

LittleMissHissyFit · 12/11/2010 15:58

Xales, my thoughts exactly.

Original poster
Lozza83 · 13/11/2010 13:03

just an update..he came back last night saying he loved me (haha joker) then he complained saying how he couldn't think straight in my messy house (ok i'm not the tidiest person but baring mind i am moving soon so things are all over the place anyway) he had the cheek to tell me that his ex who has his 2 kids place is immaculate. Then I asked him why he has to keep disapearing and he just asked why we have to go over this everytime he comes back. (seiously is this guy stupid?!) so anyway he has to pop out and tells me and Rosie (who came back from her friends early i didn't want her to see him) that he promises he will be back and to call me in a bit. I call him in a bit and say i don't think its a good idea for him to come back but he says stop being silly that he will come back and to call back in 5 mins cos he is getting off the train. I call back in 5 mins and low and behold his phone is off and guess what?? yes so predictable..doesn't come back. The last straw for me is that he broke a promise to my daughter (dickhead) luckily she isn't sensitive or bothered. This morning i have texted and fbooked him that it is really over after pushing it too far by making broken promises to my daughter and i have deleted all his numbers and him off my fbook.

So the reason i'm telling you all this is to say a big thank you for your support and even though i am a dumbarse pushover i got there in the end :) Thanks again xxx

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 13/11/2010 14:04

Well done. You know it was the right thing. Now you're free and single you don't have to wait in in case dickhead can be bothered to spend some of his precious drinking time with you. I hope you soon find someone who wants the same things out of life that you do, and in the meanwhile, enjoy life with your lovely DD!

tummysgottogo · 13/11/2010 15:28

Oh well done you! This sounds horribly similar to my week where after 4 months of being difficult to pin down I discovered that I wasn't the only one he was seeing after all. And then he turned and put it all onto me. I've read this site a few times to remain strong and resolute about my decision.

Congratulations!

LittleMissHissyFit · 13/11/2010 16:53

Lozza, he is such a player, don't give him a second thought, really!

You have done the right thing, he is still with his wife, I'm willing to bet on that.

Have you ever been to his place?

You are not a DUMBARSE! you are like the rest of us, someone who likes to think the best of others.

Original poster
Lozza83 · 14/11/2010 13:36

tummysgottogo, sorry to hear you're going thru this aswell, it's horrible isn't it. He used to turn everything round onto me too and make me think to myself well actually is it really me?! Hope you're ok xx

LittleMissHissyFit, i've been to his mums where he claims to live but who knows he prob don't even live there. That man was a compulsive lier about everything!!

i hope that i find someone who wants the same things out of life as me but at the minute i'm not too hopeful as i've been let down a lot by men in my past. Do the nice ones even exist?? xx

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 14/11/2010 16:58

Yes Lozza it does suck! I'm the same as you - I've been let down by men a lot but I think that's because I've let them. There will always be shits but we don't have to accept them into our lives. I'm going to fine tune my radar and walk as soon as it doesn't feel right. Then once they get filtered out I'll be able to see the good ones who'll be left.

That's the plan anyway Grin Good luck!!

Original poster
Lozza83 · 14/11/2010 18:01

yeah sounds like a good plan think i might try that too, need to stop letting men walk over and use me! Good luck to you aswell.

Take Care xx

OP posts:
phipps · 14/11/2010 18:05

Did he not have a job to go to on the Friday?

AnyFucker · 14/11/2010 19:55

yes, you have been a pushover

but not any more... right ??

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