Despair at situation with parents (long sorry...)

[thedame71]

Where do I start...

I live 500 miles away from my parents and I have done for the past 16 years. Its obvious to me now that I got away from them as soon as I possibly could.

Over the years, as I have got on with my own life and had 3 kids etc..., I have been very sheltered from the reality of what is actually going on in my parents life.

My sister still lives in the same city as them and has borne the brunt of them for all this time. (I feel really guilty about this).

Anyway, my sister is going to live in Argentina for at least a year and this weekend came to stay with me.

She told me the true extent of things;

They live in a two bedroom flat, mum has retreated and lives in one room. Dad has the rest of the flat with two cats. The place is filthy, and I mean really bad - worse than you would see on 'how clean is your house'

They live seperate lives, to the point of leaving the house 5 minutes after each other to travel to the same appointment for example.

The drinking is out of hand, Dad drinks all the time. He is not eating anything hardly and when I last saw him about six weeks ago he was under seven stone.

There is so much else I found out this weekend such as my Dad blaming my sister for the loss of my mothers libido 33 years ago. Totally inappropriate to say to your daughter.

My sis is really upset, talking about not taking her long planned trip to south america. I think I have talked her round.

I know I have to take some responsiblilty for them now - its my turn. She has done it for 16 years but I just feel like telling them to f off. I've got my own family now.

Not sure why I'm posting, sorry its so long. Thanks

I'm not sure why you feel you have to 'take over' from your sister - your parents are adults, after all - and whatever mess their relationship is in isn't actually your fault.

I do appreciate that it's not easy to divorce oneself emotionally, however. Is it possible to talk to your mother at all about your father's state of health - or does she not care at this point?

How old are they? They might be able to get some support from Social Services.

My grandmother once blamed my uncle for her health (sexual? bladder?) problems. It's the only time I think my grandfather got angry with her. Totally inappropriate thing to say, I agree.

Thanks for replying.

My mother appears to have no interest in my fathers health or any aspect of him. In fact she seems to have emotionall closed down entirely (although she was always a rather cold woman I remember as a child).

Common sense tells me, that I can't 'take over' and to be honest I know that you can't tell a person with an alcohol problem simply to stop, they have to want to change their life. I just feel so sad that they both has chosen to live their lives like this.

My dad is 70 next week and my mum is about 65 I think.

The whole situation is making me feel so anxious and sick and the guilt that my sister has felt like I'm feeling now for the past years. I feel ashamed that I have let her down by leaving her to it.

we can change what we have done in the past, but we can control what we do in the future

so, forget the guilt and shame - there is nothing you can do about it, and worrying about it will take precious energy away from the good you can now do

i think social services is a great option - i learn with my grandparents that there comes a time when one person simply can not provide the assistance / support that they need

can you take a more "organisation" role, and organise help/assistance rather than providing it yourself ???

ooops, should read "we can NOT change what we've done in the past" sorry

I would have to speak to them first, as I know they are so stubborn that they would refuse help if offered.

For what its worth, how would I go about getting this type of help.

Thanks, I feel alot better just for writing it all down.

well, if they refuse help, that's it really (unless of course there is some type of dementia, or mental disease)

all you can really do is say "here's my phone number - ring me if you need me"

what has your sister been doing for the past 16 years????

sorry, i'm not sure how to go about getting help - i would ring your district counsel - they are usually pretty helpful is giving out the right telephone numbers etc

Erm, why should you now have to take the responsibility now for such toxic parents?. Its your turn? Methinks not. You have a life of your own with three children. I am assuming a lot here but would hazard a guess that your parents made your childhood and early adolescence very unhappy.

Your sister and you are in no way to blame for them being like this. They chose their own paths in life and you are not responsible for their dysfunctional behaviours and actions.

Their words and actions towards you all are classic toxic parent type behaviours. Do not fall into the guilt/obligation trap - because a trap is exactly what it is.

Coincidentally enough I came across a similar sort of problem to yours on another site.

If you HAVE to go again, don't take any nonsense from them. Say that they have to accept ALL help offered from the Services, otherwise they won't be getting any from you.

You would need to contact the Social Services department at their (parents) council offices initially. That would be the sum total of any involvement I'd personally have. They may refuse all help from them though (it's certainly not unknown for people to refuse all help).

You may have expected your parents to mellow somewhat over time; however, if such people are toxic in their younger years then age is not going to mellow them.

Its not what she has been doing but more what she has endured if you see what I mean,

For example, coming home from work and finding my dad unconcious in the hall of her flat (drink related).

She optimistically has organised things to do with them for years, and the always end up a disaster through drink or one of them just not turning up.

She doesn't visit their house anymore, she says she can't bear the squalor.

I don't blame her for going to the other side of the world!

Its just that since I spoke to my sis at the weekend, I just feel so sickened by it all. I feel its down to me to hold the family together but I don't know if I can or want to.

there are things we can do, and things we can't

i guess you need to work out what is the best road for you to take without it compromising you or your family (who are your first priority)

remember, you can lead a horse to water .... (and i think you sister has tried this by the sounds of it) - sometimes, there is only so much we can do

I have a friend, one of whose parents has bipolar and - at the moment - she has broken contact because she can't take the behaviour, even when (particularly when) lucid. Obviously the condition can't be helped - and she knows that - but she finds it just too hard.

I'm not sure it isn't worse, if you think that someone has the option to change (give up drink, drugs etc).

I'm not sure how you might access Social Services care: with my grandparents - and my grandmother's dementia - it was easier for my mother and uncle to act because there was an ongoing relationship with a GP. Perhaps one of the addiction organisations might have an idea (AA, Al-Anon etc).

It isn't down to you to hold the family together. I'd concern myself with your relationship with your sister, going into the future. Your parents' marriage is between them. The best you can hope for is to get assistance for your father's addiction - but if you have to get their permission first, I suspect it's going to be an uphill struggle.

Just wanted to give sympathies, this is such a depressing situation. I think your sister must be a saint.

My feeling is that on the one hand you do need to get involved in some way, even if just to get social services involved after all they are your parents and if God forbid anything happened you might wish you had intervened.

On the other hand, as others have said, if they really are set in their ways and refuse help there really isn't much you can do.

Could you arrange for professional cleaners to go round - have no experience of this so don't know how much it would cost and obviously your parents might object as well.