Just let me cry

[NotWhatIDreamed]

Right this minute there's nobody else and I need to say some things out loud and cry and it's easy because I don't know you. It doesn't matter about replying because I have to deal with RL and this isn't, but I need to stop pretending I'm OK.

Bare bones why I'm so sad - mid 50's, widowed 8 years. Just one child living away from home, no close family, just two good friends who have listened for a long time but they wish I could move on. Married 27 years, not the stuff dreams are made of but happy enough. 5 years ago I met a man and can only describe it as coming alive and being the real me. Life was just so good.

It all fell apart in February 2009 when he crashed the car (not been drinking) on way to my house. Complicated but we kept own houses about 40 mins apart and shared week between the two. After week in hospital he gradually changed from warm, funny caring to distant stranger and simply couldn't explain why he no longer felt the same. We talked and talked but no answers and agreed time apart which drifted because I kept thinking it would be OK and he'd come back to senses. But no, just wanted to "be friends" and after such intimacy I couldn't bear that, so tried to keep away and keep my dignity. But it hurt so much not knowing WHY. His family can't understand either and thought we were good together but blood is thicker than water and they also think I should have let go long before now.

I've tried so hard. But I'm haunted by memories and so many reminders every hour, every day and nothing is right any more. I can't put the pieces back, they just don't fit and I just pretend. Talking to an amazing counsellor helps for that one hour a week then the mask goes back because I need to work and keep going for daughter. The thought of getting to know another man and being close turns me to ice despite the longing to have someone to share everyday life. The thought of him loving another physically hurts even now 18 months later and I do know you can't make someone love you. Carry on and get through another day but today found out that he's transferred with job to USA and it's hit so hard and now I'm rambling and tears down face we're over 3000 miles apart, it's over I have to let go but the sadness is overwhelming and sounds pathetic. I have to let it go just needed to say why still hurting, sorry.

sorry no advice at all, just wanted to say sorry you are feeling so wretched. Someone will be along soon with some excellent advice, I am sure

Hi. Did he suffer a head injury? I ask this because it can change a persons personality completely.

no, no head injury. I wish I could explain it this way. Nobody else involved and such a shock to hear of this move, new life, new start and feel like I didn't exist and those years together were just a cruel elaborate deception. Where did the man I grew to love and trust go?

Oh I haven't got anything useful to say either, just that I feel so sorry for you - it's all so unfinished, isn't it.

It won't feel like it but I promise little by little it will get better.

That sounds a really tough place to be, Not What, but maybe you could tell yourself that after all, the man you were in love with didn't really exist. The real man treated you unkindly and wasn't worthy of your love.

Not a huge comfort, but "this too will pass".

Be kind to yourself!

Sorry no advice here either, NWID, but sending positive thoughts your way. -x-

How very sad. Passion being unreasonably cut short is no more calmly borne in maturity than youth.

I've no advice at all, but remember being disappointed in love in earlier days and hoping for the day when I'd wake up not feeling like this. And eventually it happened.

Take care of yourself.

I suppose, in a sense, the man you loved died in that car crash. The physical man recovered but the emotional one seems to have been left in the wreckage. It must have been terribly confusing. If he'd died, or had you split up in a conventional way, you would doubtless have got over it before now, but the hope he would "come back to you" was keeping you focussed on the past. Sometimes hope (for the most part a great gift) is not helpful.

Although it's brought your pain to a head, maybe him moving is better for you in the long term. Now that chapter really has closed you can grieve and start to move on. I'm glad you're seeing a good counsellor and have good friends; you deserve support.

nowwhatidreamed - my heart goes out to you. You thought you had found love again and now it's been so cruelly taken away from you - and yet the man is still there.

Give yourself time to grieve over the loss, because that's what this is - grieving. Him leaving the country might actually help you recover eventually.
But those tears are important. It's all part of the process.
Do come on and post any time you are feeling low like this. I do it - and it really helps.

Life will get better for you again, I promise - and some day you will be ready to open your heart up to another man. You have to go through this horrible process first though.

Take care.

Wise words, thank you especially Annie and Mabel. Struggling and just so tired holding it together and pretending to be OK because nobody can understand (apart from counsellor and obviously she's not around every day) why I'm not "over it" and unable to move on. Yes I'm grieving - and it's totally different to the grief when husband died. Overwhelmed, consumed with pain and hurting. He was the only man I have ever given 100% to, trusted completely and laughed with till I cried and it felt good (and mutual) now the emptyness is unbearable but thank you for listening.

NotWhatIDreamed, I understand entirely why you're not "over it". The circumstances of this man pulling away from you are very hard to rationalise and to accept. It's the acceptance part which is probably the hardest bit to get through. To realise it really is over with this man and then to accept that. You are probably still somewhat in denial are you? Or have you moved on from that?

I can relate to what you are saying about the grief too. As I said on another post, I have found the pain of getting over another man far more difficult to process and cope with than the grief I felt when my dad died at a young age.

I'm slightly rushing this but wanted to come on quickly and see if you'd posted since last night as you sounded so sad.

Do you have much of a social life at the moment? What about exercise? I know all this sounds a bit trite but I ALWAYS feel better about life after I've done something really active. It may just be a temporary fix but it's good to get rid of that empty feeling just for a while...

Hope you're feeling okay today and have something to look forward to over the weekend...?

No wise words, but sorry that life seems so bleak at the moment. You seem lovely. You will move on from this, but be kind to yourself in the meantime.

Maybe its not just the loss of him, but loss in general that you need to address.
Are there other losses in your life that need healing?

NWID so sorry, and how horrid of him not to have the courage or decency to tell you that he was going abroad. Please, please get angry with him for treating you like that.

Lots of hugs, virtual choc, wine and super luxurious bubble bath.

Mabel - weekend will be taking my mother to visit my DD who has been at uni about 80 miles away since September. Will appear upbeat and capable for their sakes but inside it's just another hurt as, having seen his daughters on their way through university, this is something we planned to do together when it was my DD's turn IYSWIM. The old song about smiling while your heart is breaking has just been on the radio and it's so true, couldn't bear to listen and in tears again it's all so raw. Came in from work today, dark empty house and could only think of him so far away with the time difference and called samaritans and sobbed down the line. Me, always the strong, capable organised one reduced to this.

Purpleduck - yes there have been two others losses in past 4 years - my lovely "big sis" lost her battle with cancer a few months after dad died and you know what got me through and the strength to help my mum and brother-in-law? The quiet love and support I had from the man who walked away. This is just one tiny part of the reasons I don't feel angry, just very tired of this facade and so sad. Will go on, have to go on, but not sure I want to like this - how can there be such extremes when loving was as easy and natural as breathing now it's struggle remembering to take each breath and yes, i've had some vodka to help me sleep ready for long drive tomorrow and not to wake up at 4am look out the window at darkness and think its the same sky where he is so far away. rambling again sorry. ignore

NWID you have had the 3. I have always said that if 3 things happened in quick succession, I would not be able to cope. Take time to reflect, go easy on yourself, and overall acknowledge the losses you have had. Stop having to be the strong one and realise you are human and can't keep taking all the bad without something giving.

Really hope you are OK and can ride this out. I have been there too, but thankfully my ' bad news' stopped at 2 in quick succession.

Have you tried taking some anti depressants? Maybe just a low dose to help with the anxiety and thoughts going round and round?

They might just give you the boost you need to break out of this (understandable) pit.
The human mind needs to find explanations and solutions but somethimes that just is not possible.

I reluctantly went to the doctor and asked for something to help me at a very difficult time ( I had done all the sensible self help stuff) and she prescribed a very low dose of citalopram. This drug had a dramatic and unexpectedly good effect on my state of mind at a time when I was desperately trying to understand someone else's behaviour which I was powerless to change.

Whatever you do I hope things get better soon.

Is there any chance you can have one last talk with this man ?
I do so feel for you.

I know we can't 2nd guess what he is thinking but do you think he might have had a complete re-think of his life when he had the accident? A brush with mortality can do strange things.

Was he not as keen on you as you were on him perhaps?

Or did he maybe have post-traumatic stress or even depression?

When you were together was there talk of permanancy and were you planning a life together?

I know how hard it is. When someone pulls back there is no rational answer to why their feelings have changed, and yes, it does make you feel as if everything that went before was a sham.

I know it is hard to think this way, but perhaps the only way you can get over is by getting angry. If he treated you this harshly, was he really the person you thought he was and did he care as much as you thought?

If you still have contact details could you write to him and tell him exactly how oyu feel, as a means of closure?