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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this the right thing to do??????????

19 replies

isee · 18/09/2005 23:30

My dh had an affair with his sil (his brothers wife and my best friend at the time!) 2 1/2 years ago . They have only ever admitted to a drunken kiss! After ALOT of heart ache (and finding out that I was pregnant) we stayed together and they stayed together. It was my fil that told me what was going on-he also said WHAT was going on and it was alot more than a kiss! My dh has never spoken to his dad since-said he was lying, and his brother moved away so we haven't seen them either. At family occassions either they go or we go. I have been through lots of emotions since it happened, ANGER, guilt, sorrow etc. This weekend there was a family funeral and dh brother ending up staying the night with us. He asked dh questions about what happened, but mainly he was saying how much he misses dh and kids. I AM ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT SEEING HER AND CALLING A TRUCE??? If any would have told me that I would be considering this I would have said 'NO WAY,NEVER' which is why I am amazed that I am even thinking about it. I have carried an inner anger/rage for 2 1/2 years, and just want it to go away, but I think that this may be the way to finally let it go? Before I make any phone calls, I am going to give it a few days to see if this is definitely the right thing to do. The more I think about it, I feel that it is? Any advice please.

OP posts:

zippy539 · 18/09/2005 23:38

Isee - this is a difficult one. What a horrible situation.

I hate conflict and in your situation I might well be tempted to call the truce - IF it felt instinctively right. I think you are right to give it a while to let your feelings settle. Are you and Dh okay now - would you feel all right about him being around SIL on future family occasions?

Chink · 18/09/2005 23:38

sounds like it could be cathartic in some ways for you to call a truce.

ScummyMummy · 18/09/2005 23:39

If you feel it could work then there's a good chance it could, I'd think. Well done for coming through this, whatever you decide. Sounds like a very tricky time was had by all and you must have handled things brilliantly to be contemplating this stage.

Redtartanlass · 18/09/2005 23:40

isee, you can only go with what you feel. If you meet up and it doesn't work or you can't handle after all,then you haven't lost anything,but if you never try. Well, surely you'll always be wondering....

Original poster

isee · 18/09/2005 23:47

When it all came out I hated my dh. But being pregnant as well at that time, I was an emotional wreck. In one sense it ruined my relationship as I will never fully trust dh again-although compared to 2 years ago it has got better, but in other ways we are stronger. But what you say about them being around each other is the one thing that is stopping me from doing it at the moment. I don't want to become friends again, I just want to be able to be civil with each other. But I wouldn't want dh to have anything to do with her!!

OP posts:

zippy539 · 19/09/2005 00:04

Re dh and sil being around each other, I think that is reasonable, isee - I would feel the same. Have you spoken to dh about your thoughts re calling sil?

I totally applaud you if you decide to go ahead - family feuds are poisonous (though you have every reason to be feuding in this particular case!)

Original poster

isee · 19/09/2005 00:33

I have mentioned to dh that I am thinking about contacting her, but he thinks it's a bad idea-he doesn't want me to do anything to jeopardize him and his brother, (which isn't my intention). Me an dh don't really talk about it these days-I must have interegated him 1000's of times about it-but I have always been angry/upset and I always end up rowing. He thinks that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing her!!!?? (Personally I think he is worried that I will question her??)
I don't really know what I'd say yet-I have a rough idea-but I wouldn't question her, whats the point?
Although I am thinking about what dh has said, I am going to decide what I want to do, not what he wants me to do.

OP posts:

kelli22 · 19/09/2005 09:20

i think if you do go ahead and call a truce you are definately the bigger person in all this, after all it must put a strain on the whole family to know that they cant invite all of you to a family thing. i would just do it for the sake of others if i felt i could control myself around her but not for the sake of being friends just to be civil.
mistakes happen and you have all moved on.

Pixiefish · 19/09/2005 09:31

Agree with the others. If you call the truce then you're the winner in all of this. Also it could stop it eating away at you with the inner anger/rage that you mention. But I think I'd do it with dh's knowledge even if he doesn't agree

ggglimpopo · 19/09/2005 09:44

Message withdrawn

Baileyandkids · 20/09/2005 16:25

Well if you need a familiar face to tag along, you can always call me! I promise not to interfer, it would be more for support (if you think you need it?)
Let me know what you decide, and dont let DH (J) talk you out of it if you think it would make you feel better!

Maybe like i said yesterday, leave it a couple of weeks to see if you feel the same, and if you do feel the same, go ahead! Its down to you at the end of the day and no1 should make a descision like this for you!

HTH

Speek to you soon!

threeboys3 · 25/09/2005 14:38

Just an update. I actually phoned brother in law! He was fine with me! We had a little chat about the situation and I also explained about not telling my dp about it yet. He said it's a good idea for us three to meet. I asked him how he would feel about his dp and brother being around each other and he said that he's an easy going type of guy and said that he has forgotten about what happened!!! I can't say that I feel the same way but I just want some closure to the whole thing Anyway he said that he would speak to her and get back to me!!! This really upset me??!! I kind of over looked the fact that she would have to agree??? I now feel that I have empowered her!!! She is going to decide whether or not to met ME ???

Shades1 · 26/09/2005 19:03

how's it going, has he come back to you yet ?

kid · 26/09/2005 19:56

(her DH found out she has been using MN and wasn't very happy)

munz · 26/09/2005 19:58

y not? we all need outside perspectives once in a while.

kid · 26/09/2005 20:03

he was annoyed that she had posted all about his life on here. She did point out that it was her life too. (No doubt he will be reading this too!)

munz · 26/09/2005 20:11

oh ok then fair enough, well eitehr way hope they manage to resolve things so everyone's happy.

Shades1 · 26/09/2005 20:26

Why, we haven't got a clue who they are, where they live etc, it's the most anonymous way of getting an honest opinion

mother3 · 28/09/2005 19:33

You should not want to speak 2 sil ,as u say she might not want 2 talk 2 u.If she decides not to speak 2 u it will make u feel angry all over again and bring back mermories of betrayal.Let it slip in 2 the past where it belongs.At family occasions both of u should go ,unless u cant trust yourself.Just keep your distance if u still feel hurt and betrayed.(angry).Your husband should have disscussed the situation with u at the time so u are not still suspisous of him.Do u have any reasons 2 be suspisous now if not dont drag the past up when u will be hurt from her rejection.Good luck.

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