Am I expecting too much?

[Justmeandthekids]

DH says he is depressed. Doesn't find any enjoyement in life, hates his job, the house we live in. Struggles to be a father.
That's what he told me about 2 months ago but only came out because I said I wanted to get divorced.

When he said he was depressed, I had a chat with him and review with him what he could do (GP, counselling, complementary therapies). He finally agreed to go to see a complementary therapist but isn't following his prescription. Doesn't want to see GP or counsellor. He has made a huge effort though in the last 4 weeks and his behaviour had improved (Stonewalling, putting me down etc...). Until something happened at work and everything has come down hill again.

Now there are issues where I want to see changes. I am refusing to go back to a situation where he is rude, and unrespectful. I am refusing to take full responsability for everything in the house (dcs, house keeping, holidays etc...) even though I have no problem with doing the bulk of the work seen the circumstances. I do not want to take full responsability for the state of our relationship.

I know, by experience, that when you are depressed, it is difficult to 'do' things, take decisions etc... but at the same time, I don't see how making everything easy for him, and take responsability out of his hands is going to help.
For me, seeing his behaviour improve or knowing that it will because he is taking steps for it is becoming a deal breaker. But I am wondering if I am not expecting too much from him.
Any experiences?

Tell him to change one thing at a time. Job would be a start.

Yes but which one?

I think the last 7 years have been as hard for me than for him (albeit for different reasons). The reason why I am OK now is because I look for happiness inside myself not outside (ie not in a house, the town where we live or even in our relationship). I also took steps to change what was really important for me (new job for me too but only after I retrained and worked my pants off for 3 years). In short I took responsability.

He hasn't done so for the last 7 years even though he had ample opportunities to do so (Behaviour wise, job wise etc...) as I have always said loud and clear i would support him if he wanted to.

I have supported him before re changing job but it hasn't gone anywhere.

With the current economic situation, I can't see him going anywjere with that (there is no job where we are in his area, changing job is risky blabla....) It won't happen unless he is actually made redundant and forced to do so.

I can only speak from my own experience of depression.

I could barely manage to get myself out of bed, shower and decide what was for tea each day. If my DH had stepped back from taking care of everything else and put more responsibility on me than showering and choosing tea, I think it may have tipped me over the edge.

That said though, I did go to the GP and I did use AD's to get through that time, as I had an official diagnoses to work with.

I'm not sure what I would do concerning supporting your DH until he'd been diagnosed properly. There's a big difference between being depressed and fed up.

God if DH was in that state, i wouldn't expect him to do a lot else than making himself better!
You're right there is a big difference between being depressed and being fed up. Also there are lots of shades in depression (from mild to really severe) which should lead to very differnt response.

I have been depressed. Was bad enough with dc1 that I really wish dc1 to be dead as it was too much for me to cope with.
I've had periods where I could see death all around me. Thought that my dcs, DH, me would die in the next hour. Getting totally panicked if DH was coming back home half an hour late.
I've had periods where I was so tired that I would fall asleep sitting up if I so much as sat down to try and play with one of the dcs.
But I never felt I could give up my responsabilities towards my family.

When I look at DH, I feel he should be taking some responsability in his mental health and not merrily wishing it would all go away by spending a bit more time together.

Justmeandthekids

"I feel he should be taking some responsability in his mental health and not merrily wishing it would all go away by spending a bit more time together."

I totally agree with this bit ^. Taking responsibility in my case was going to the GP. Yes, I was not enthusiastic and had to be badgered to get there, but I did make my own app't and turn up!

From your posts it seems your DH only mentioned depression when confronted with a 'getting divorced' situation...this would make me wonder if he really was depressed or using it as an excuse to maintain things the way they are??

Well that's one question I have been asking myself... a lot....

I believe that he isn't happy, that in some ways, he is struggling with a mid life crisis (is it what's it's all about?? and I will not get all the things I though I would have eg a £300k house).

but he managed to just change his behaviour like he had turned a switch of and all the stonewalling, passive-aggressive behaviour disappeared for a while. For me that's not what someone who is truly depressed could do.

Or am I totally wrong in that?

When I was depressed there was nothing I could do to change they way I behaved. I was stuck there, behaving very selfishly, whether I wanted to be or not.

Maybe your DH is different and he has moments of feeling good and bad hence the flipping between the two??

I don't know your DH but my instincts say yes, he's having a bit of a 'is this it?' moment in his life, but is fully aware of how his behaviour is affecting you, especially if the mention of divorce makes him behave as if he's had a personality transplant.

Basically, I think he's taking out his frustrations about his life on you...simply because he can.

Thanks. Acyually helps quite a bit.

I suppose more talking is on the agenda again.