Do I take him back?

[Mumfortoddler]

Hello,

First time on here and looking for some advice from other parents. My ex has been trying to get back together with me for 9 months, left him in February following a 2 year long relationship and we had a 9 month old son together (yes, we hadn't been together long when it all happened)my ex was emotionally abusive and used to come home and shout at me and call me names for just about any old reason. When I started to defend myself during the relationship following counselling he started manhandling me, getting rougher, doing things like grabbing my neck and pushing me to the ground, threatening me and things like that. He was a good guy when he wasn't stressed but really pants at supporting me with my little one. I first left him in November and he chucked me around the kitchen and pinned me against the wall, I ended up calling the police for help to leave the property with my son and he got me arrested on suspicion of assault saying I had pushed him (which, by the way wasn't true.)

Since then he's been going to counselling, given up smoking, coffee and has become a very much better father to the little one. He's still been a bit threatening (he threatened to tell my family about a really painful and difficult thing I had told him about my brother early on in our relationship) but his behaviour has improved. I can't believe I am writing this but do you think there is any hope for this man?? He has been working on his problems, granted, but when I think back I am still so furious about everything that happened.

Despite the fact I think I must be insane for even thinking about going back- if I were to go back how long do you think I should let him carry on the counselling for before I do?

My life has been so much better without him in it and feel like I've rebuilt everything. Got a house now, job, doing masters, my little one is doing great, it seems so risky to take a chance on him?! But there is a part of me that can't let go of being a family. Must be mad. Someone help me see sense.

He twisted the truth to save his back and get you into trouble when you called the police.

You say he has been in counselling. When he was with you and he was violent, did he as time passed change the version of it to denying he did anything to you? I have experience of this (as lots of women do). Does he now face up to how he treated you? From what I have read, counselling doesn't change an abusive man.

I just want to say DON'T DON'T DON'T.

You have had a chance to rebuild your life. WELL DONE!!!!Give yourself a big pat on the back. Be PROUD OF YOURSELF!!!!!!!

Did you go to counselling on your own while you were with him? Have you thought that - from the counselling you got stronger - you weren't prepared to put up with the emotional abuse, so he then moved it up a notch to physical abuse to try to keep you under control.

no no no no no

and a 'hell no' just to make sure you really know what I think

I want to give you another way of looking at it as well.

You will be wasting your time if you get back with him. You are a stronger woman now. You would find him a hindrance if he tried to hinder you in any way in your daily life/your goals etc, and you would tire of him very quickly and he would end up irritating you immensely because you are not the same person and wouldn't put up with the same crap from him.

So, you would be just wasting time.

Hey folks,

Thanks for all the good advice I didn't close shave, but so glad to be out of it and you're all right (well apart from the person telling me I was insane!). Things are civil now and he's out of my life, and its much, much better hurray .

Things are getting much easier and over time who knows what will happen.

Cheers peeps.

Nooooooooooooooooooo. I would NOT get back with this man. Please God, don't do it.

(Must remember to read WHOLE thread before posting )

Just read whole thread,it's really interesting when you get an update on a dilemma and I'm so pleased for you that you have made the right decision and are happy. Was it the answers on here that helped you to make that decision?Did he try any other tactics or get nasty again before getting the message?How long did it take to convince him you really meant no to getting back together,am just nosey,have been in a similar situation myself and am interested to hear how other people deal with this sort of thing.

at Cheerful

OP - I'm pleased to see that you DIDN'T get back with this man.

Enjoy your life and your little boy.

Hello again,

In the end we tried to have a couple of talks in a mutual place to discuss getting back together but these just showed that nothing had changed. I think it helps having support from people around me not to get back together, which helps during the moments of weakness. A year and two months on we're in a better place- civil to each other and he's no longer begging for me to come back, still having regular weekly contact with our son and he seems to have moved on. So everything is brilliant!! I have moved on too- have a great job now, doing a Masters and feel like I am regaining a sense of normality in life and confidence too. I am still a bit envious of my married parent friends having the support of their husbands but then I can't change that can I? I am coping just fine and we are much happier now. (My son and I) His dad is still miserable and useless!!

stay strong for you and your child i went back and forth for 10 years nothing changed he always reverted back to same behaviour,i was lucky not to have a child with him thank god,i now have a dd with my new dh and no that no matter what i,d never live like that again especially with my dd,you dont need him hes weak and whats a family ? in my eyes your already one

just saw your last post really happy for you x