head says go, heart is breaking for doing that to the little ones. Long - sorry.

[jebbieD]

Where to start- I am heartbroken.
I think I have got to leave and take my 2 year old ds and 10-week old dd to a shitty life in a shelter then a council flat if we are lucky.
My partner of ten years has become a total stranger. I've had a year of hell and didn't enjoy one minute of my pregnancy for worry and stress. He is controlling and has me in a position now where I have absolutely no cash, no hope of being able to go back to work and no way of making a nice life for my babies. I have been to Women's Aid and they will help me as soon as I am ready.
But the talk of shelters, keeping addresses secret, etc totally spooked me and I left it for the past month, hoping things would get better. He's been working away for two weeks, during which I realised what it would be like on my own with the wee ones. I managed fine but was incredibly lonely. And I realised if I walk out, it will be worse, as I won't be able to have all our home comforts. I won't have anything in fact.
My wages go straight to nursey for ds1 through voucher scheme and as my maternity pay will soon drop, and partner is still keen for him to keep going to nursery, I have no income. He pays for everything else as I went part-time after ds and earn buttons anyway.
He is so nasty - during late pregnancy when I asked for help around the house I was told being pregnant doesn't make me a cripple. After that I couldn't forgive him, and he let me walk out and sleep in the car at 30 weeks pregnant.
Since the baby, he has looked after our toddler well, but blanked the baby. It's like he's taking the easy one, leaving the baby to me. He is lucky if he has changed two nappies and has done her bath once in ten weeks. He only holds her when I plonk him in her lap and he will pick her up if she is crying only to hand her to me. I know I am more attached because of breastfeeding, but I swear she doesn't know who he is - today the only contact he's had is bouncing her chair for two minutes.
He has blamed me for all our problems, calls me a disgrace and an embarrassment and everytime I say let's talk, he ignores it or goes crazy at me for daring to criticise him. I have tried and tried to talk about it all, but he now just gets really angry and blames me for everything.
I know it's over but it breaks my heart to break up the family. I can't look at my son playing with his daddy or talking about him without getting upset about what I think I have to do.
I also get glimpses of the nice guy he used to be, and I truly believe he can't see what he's doing to us or thinks he's done anything wrong.
I have asked him if we can do counselling, and it gets brushed aside because it's me not him that needs it.
I texted him today asking to meet sit down tomorrow when ds's at nursery to discuss the future in a grown-up practical way, and he's not mentioned it since he came home, being all nice as if nothing's happened. Several times I have said if it's over can we talk practicalities but he ignores me, and wakes up the next day as if nothing's happened.
He was back for six hours on Saturday before I got a row for our son calling a bottle a "bobo" - a wee pet name my sister used with her wee ones. I got shouted at for "overreacting" when our son fell at the park and split his lip. Apparently I was an embarrassment there too. I also get rows for putting too much water in the kettle, etc.
He doesn't have anything to do with my family, hates my mum and won't have her in the house if he is here and I have been on one afternoon (not night) out on my own since ds was born.
I just want to know if maybe it is me over-reacting to things. Can men change? And, if, as I know in my heart, I need to get us out of here, and if there is a future for me and the wee ones alone. It terrifies me and I am gutted that at 39 years old, I am about to be a single mum of two and my life is going to be shit, and I can't give my children what they need. Totally gutted. I'm an intelligent woman and I've let this happen to me. I am a disgrace.

I am sorry you feel so bad and I don't know if I can help but wanted to say that you are certainly NOT a disgrace. I think people get in to relationships with abusive people without realising - sometimes the abusive behaviour only starts when they are well and truly "trapped". I hope someone comes along who can advise you on all the practicalities. Do you have friends and family (you mentioned your mum) who can advise you if/when you split?

No no no

You are not a disgrace you are a loving sensible woman who has been reduced to a shadow of your self by this behaviour.

Maybe things can be improved with counselling and support but if your DH refuses to see the problem you need to get out to wake him up. if he wants you back he will have to fight for the right to have another chance and to find the nice guy he used to be.

The Women's Aid people would not have offered help if they didn't think the situation was serious enough to merit it. Try to make a plan and keep checking here because lots of wise women will arrive soon to give you support and advice

Be brave for your babies

Sorry, I meant do you have "friends/family" who can support you if/when you split.

Read your post again and think about how sad and lonely you are now, and how this horrible horrible atmosphere is going to affect your children as they become aware of it, and tell me how on earth life in a shelter and a council house with just you and your babies could ever possibly be any worse?

Something's gone horribly wrong, and the worst thing of all is he either can't see it, doesn't care or this is where he wanted to get to all along. Either way he has no intention of setting matters right so you have no alternative but to leave.

OF COURSE you are not over reacting. You are married to this man and have his children. You deserve nothing less than the very best treatment, you deserve love and kindness and gentleness and understanding. You deserve support and help and safety and warmth. Everyone does. If he cannot or will not provide this it is your duty to yourself and your children to get the hell out of that toxic situation.

The relationship is broken and the whole family will be poisoned if you don't take your courage in your hands and leave.

Home comforts are an irrelevance. Hard times can be borne and you will come out the other side with your dignity and self respect and your children in a happy and peaceful home - even if it is a council house.

What a horrible situation for you.

You know what though, your life is shit now and there will undoubtedly be some shit bits coming up when you first leave, but it will be transformed in ways you can't imagine now, you will look back in 18 months and not quite believe how things were in Nov 2010.

You're not a disgrace, you sound very strong and switched on, but you are in a bad situation with a bully and that is wearing you down, as it would anyone. Once you have some distance from this man you will feel more "yourself" again and be able to enjoy your son and lovely new baby properly.

I can understand your sadness when you see traces of the partner you loved, but the way he's treating you is wrong and it doesn't matter why he does it, you just need to get away.

oh jeez. i hope you don't decide to put up with such shit.... over time it wears you down and saps your energy until you can't make a good decision anymore.

i really hope you get out of the relationship for your own and your children's sakes. don't let him isolate you any further.

msboogie, sorry if I sounded like I was slagging off council houses - far from it - I grew up in one and live in a former one now! I just meant I will have to leave with next to nothing as i suspect he could get nasty and not want to be reasonable. and I feel so guilty and bad at taking my children away from their familiar surroundings. I will never be able to afford the things my partner can, and I feel bad about that. I have effectively given up my career and his is soaring. At the moment I have to ask for money for everything and I don't know how I'll cope. The first bit is going to be the hardest and I worry I'm not strong enough. It's giving up on the hopes and dreams I had for our wee family and imagining what it's going to be like now that's upsetting me.

matthewsmum, thanks. He has always made it clear he's put more money in than I have - when we fell out when i was pregnant, he presented me with a list of how much he pays to the house and what I'd contributed - like an invoice!! And he told me if I went i couldn't take ds with me, that i wouldn't be able to cope. He said he had put my car up for sale too which is a lie. He will be giving me nothing, so I have to leave because I don't think he would. I still feel for him because we lost his mum four weeks before my son was born. He never really showed emotion over it, but his family are like that. It's all boys now so he has no female influence to say come on, man up! Out of desperation in August I asked his brother to talk to him because I felt he had no one to talk to about our problems and maybe he needed someone to sound off to. That's all I said, i didn't go into it, but the idiot called him and didn't hide the fact I'd asked him to help - which got me a bollocking and now I can't face his family because he told them I had mental health issues!

Do you know, writing this down and reading this back, I am thinking, what idiot would put up with all this? He sounds like a total b when I write it all down - and this isn't the half of it! I need to stop making excuses for him and realise this is going to be terrible but I have to do it.

jebbieD it is so sad that the family life you thought you would have is no longer going to happen, but that isn't your fault.

The material things don't matter, it will probably be a bit of a struggle initially but your ex will have to contribute towards the children which will help. All they really need is shelter, food and you, and hopefully Women's Aid will help you to sort out those first two things.

A friend of mine went through similar about ten years ago, she had to sell her car, go live with her parents (at 37, with two small children), but now she has a job she enjoys, her own home, great social life and lovely happy children. She really savours the good things in life having had to work so hard to get there. I really admire her and so does her 11 year old DD - she says her mum is her role model!

I know it all sounds like platitudes now but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't put unrealistic expectations on yourself. You will get through this and go on to flourish.

It's not you who can't give your children what they need: it's your husband who can't - or won't. He's not willing to do what it takes to keep the family unit together. So if anyone's failing your children, it sure isn't you. In face, you CAN give your children what they need, which is a peaceful, stable home and a happy upbringing. But you can only give them that if you leave.

you are not a disgrace you have everything your children need and could ever want just by being you. I know the housing situation may at first feel as though you have let your DC'S down but believe me that is the lowest thing on their list of priorities. A happy Mum is far more important.My Mum moved me out of a 5 bed det house to a 2 bed terrace with an outdoor loo and no bathroom(shower in mine) when I was 8 and all I felt was happiness that I was out of the house that was full of arguments.

Also if it helps at all I left my DH who I loved more than life itself to live back in my hometown to end up privately renting on a "bad" estate because he just could't bond with my DD1 (not his) who was 8 at the time. You just have to put them first.DD1 now loves it here

jebbie,

Imagine another 3-5 years of this; you will have not fight at all left.

You are NOT a disgrace nor an embarrassment; you are a victim to a controlling man who has basically manipulated you throughout and likely also targetted you specifically in order to do this. Do not allow yourself any longer to be treated in such a manner; use Womens Aid to get away from him. He would likely start on the children as well given time. They don't need such a malign influence in their lives.

Your man has certainly done a fine job on you hasn't he to make you doubt your own self in such a manner. This is exactly what controlling men do; they are abusive men. Infact he has used all the techniques such abusive men use to keep their victim in check; the isolation from family is yet another part of the controlling abuse.

The first step to leave is often the hardest one to take but take it you must. If you were to stay with this abusive man then you condemn yourself and your children to a life of misery. Controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours and NO counsellor would see you both together due to the ongoing abuse he metes out towards you.

You can give the children what you need - a happy mum but in order for that to happen you must make plans with Womens Aid's help to leave. They can and will help you.

He won't change and has indicated as much - you are nothing to him. Abusive men like your man do not change, if anything their abuse intensifies over time.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. It is about controlling men, your man is in those pages. Also if Womens Aid in your area do a "freedom" programme, get yourself onto this as well. In the longer term the last thing you and by turn your children need is yet another abusive relationship because you need to reset and reprogram that relationship radar of yours. Also such men take years to recover from but you can get out and away from him.

Firstly, the level of benefit you will be entitled to as a single mum with two kids is quite good. You will get Housing Benefit to pay for a three bedroom privately-rented house, as your children are different sexes.

Check out www.entitledto.co.uk to see what you would get. Also get down to the Job Centre and ask to see a Lone Parent Advisor and they will tell you more - you will not be financially destitute.

Once you are settled and back on your feet, in a few months you can start looking at ways to getyour career back on track. Again, as a single parent if you start workyou an claim Tax Credits which will top up your earnings and pay up to 80% of your child care costs.

And then there will be CSA on top.

You will actually probably be financially better off without him than you are with him.

You've had some good advice here and I think you know that you have to be brave and do what you know needs to be done.

Life will be terrible if you stay with this man, it will only get worse.

Life away from him, freedom and no more walking on eggshells, might be a bit tough in the beginning, but I guarantee that it will get better.

It's taken 10 years for you to be dragged down to this place, if it takes one more year for you to be back up there on your own feet and free from this bully, that's surely OK isn't it?

You are worth more than this, your DC are worth better than this.

Keep reading you OP and ask yourself what YOU would tell this poor woman if asked?

Thanks again for your advice - I think I know what I need to do. Because I still (stupidly) care about him, that's what's been holding me back from taking the leap. I perversely don't want to hurt him, which i will do by taking his kids away but I suppose that's what he has been doing to me. He got up this morning and went to work and again didn't mention the text about sitting down and talking. He is once again ignoring it, not acknowledging that I think it's over and want to sort out what's going to happen. It's as if he thinks I will carry on if he ignores it. So frustrating! Going to talk to Women's Aid now. Thank you templemaiden for that financial advice - I assumed I'd get nothing. I'm going to turn into everything I've criticised in the past- relying on benefits, etc, but I guess that's what they are for and fingers crossed it's not forever. I want to prove to this man I can do it all on my own and try and provide for my lovely children who deserve better. God this is hard, isn't it?

Your DP does sound like something has happened to change him into such a nasty person. Perhaps it is grief from his mothers death?

However your big problem is that he does not in anyway acknowledge that he has a problem or that he has changed. He does not accept that the way he is treating you is unaccpetable. He does not care that you want to leave you are so unhappy. In these circumstances there is really very little you can do. You can stay and continue to be treated like this or you can leave.

My DH had serious issues for about a 2 year period, but I have to say even at the height of it he was desperate not to lose us and could see how he was behaving was not right.

I don't like to tell people to leave relationships especially because I know realtionships are often too complicated to be explained properly in one post on the internet. However you have suggested it yourself and I agree with you. It is the better than the alternative of continuing to live like you are.

Inform yourself, collect your papers etc. Listen to the people on here about the financial stuff. You will be OK. Trust Womens Aid. One step at a time.

Just on the ages of your dcs, I think that in many ways, now is a great time to leave. They are small enough not to take things to heart - very quickly, they won't even remember that things were any different. Do it now, so that their earliest memories can be happy ones of a peaceful, loving environment with you, not a scary home with an angry man.

You are not hurting him. You are not taking his kids away.

You are removing them from a toxic relationship that is harming their mother, and will go on to harm them.

None of this was YOUR doing, he chose to be cruel to you, he chose to under-appreciate you.

Benefits are there for people like you, to get you out of awful situations.

I've lived in countries where women do not have the same equality, they are not expected to live on their own, the end up marrying to stop being sexually harassed and for any kind of income. they have no choice apart from putting up with whatever monster they have married in exchange for a roof over their head.

You have a right to live in peace, in a healthy and stable environment. Your H has a choice, to treat you with respect or lose you.

You deserve better and soon will have better!

You have to leave him. It will be tough but it will lead to a better life.

Nookiebearisevil. I just want to say how fantastic you sound. What you did was so selfless. I hope your dd understands that one day.

A disgrace?

I remember, aged about 5, being bundled into a car in the middle of the night. Me, my Mum, my baby sister. We lived in a caravan in the middle of nowhere, on my nan's bedroom floor, in my aunts spare room, a bedsit and, finally, in a little two bed flat near my old school.

I remember being frightened and wondering where my Dad was and why my Mum was so sad. I remember countless meals where my Mum 'wasn't hungry' and seeing her use cardboard to fix the holes in her shoes.

My Mum is a deeply flawed person, but was a brave and fierce protector. I am very proud of her. All the home comforts in the world couldn't replace the example she gave me.