Partner Perils

[Bugsy]

My husband has just returned to work out of his normal office after 6 months of travelling, during which time my son and I saw him only at the weekends. He has come back really grumpy, miserable, aggressive and generally not very nice to be with. He has definitely not had an affair - just in case anyone is wondering.
We had a bit of a chat last night and he was moaning about being old (33!!!!) and life passing him by. He said he wanted to go out more and do things. I am slightly at a loss for what to say as we do still go out quite alot, we've already had 3 weeks of different holidays this year and have another week booked in September. He said we have no money, which is simply not true as we are very far from hard-up and still have sufficient disposable income to feel quite comfortable.
We are expecting another baby next April and he did say that he felt panicky about this as he thought it would completely rob us of the small amount of independence we have been able to retain. Again, I don't agree with this either. Of course the first 3 or 4 months are going to be very hard work but after that we can still go out and do things.
I feel that we live a very happy life. Yes, we are settled in the sense of having a house, mortgage and child but I don't think we are boring. I feel that we are incredibly lucky and so I just don't know how to tackle this wave of what I see as self-indulgence on my husband's part.
Does anyone have any suggestions?

Hi bugsy. When you say your husband was travelling, do you mean work related? Anyway I reckon over the last 6 months he's sampled a part time family life and 6 months is a long time, he's got used to it. I think he just needs a bit of time to readjust.

Sorry to make this comparison but I should imagine that people who come out of prison need quite a while to get used to 'normal' life.

If I was in your husband's shoes I would probably feel the same, just give him time and understanding and see how it goes. Good luck and congratulations about the baby.

When I said I would feel the same, I really mean't that I know I'd need time to adjust back. It takes us a good week to get back into things after a short holiday!

When I said I would feel the same, I really meant that I know I'd need time to adjust back. It takes us a good week to get back into things after a short holiday!

Doh! I said to myself that I'd never double post!

Thanks Jac, I know you're probably right. Yes, he was away travelling with work. He moaned about the project he was on non-stop and now he is moaning because it has ended. Ahhhhhhhhh!
I can't tell you how much his current behaviour is getting on my nerves. I think he is being very self-absorbed and want to tell him to "pull himself together", but instead I simper sympathetically. Maybe I should cool down on the sympathy and he might stop whinging!

Bugsy, sounds harsh, but I think you need to give him a kick up the bum!

That's what being grown up is like - relationships, responsibilities, mortgages, kids. He's had time out, he's feeling a bit depressed with normality, but you've been working hard too, raising your child alone during the week and are pregnant! Being a family is about sharing responsibility and compromises. It must be like having two kids in the family at the moment - 'I'm bored Mum', while you make sure the laundry's done and there's food in the cupboards.

Buy him a Playstation and tell him to snap out of it!

Bugsy, I can just picture that sympathetic simper! Been there, done that. My husband was a 7 club-nights-out-a-week punk in his youth. How are the mighty etc etc..

I'd distance yourself from his moaning. Just get on with your own life for a bit and give him space. Make some nice plans for you and your child- visits/outings etc - the fun things you do while he's been away.

Don't forget yourself, too. Arrange some evenings out, invite him, and, if he thinks it's just too boring, ask him to stay at home with your child. Just show him you're having a happy and vaired time - as usual - and he's welcome to participate or( don't say this!) he can be a boring old and stay at home.

As for having a second baby - yes, my husband also felt the doors closing in on him ( ironic since he was more eager than me to have children in the beginning). It seems that if one of us wants a child, the other doesn't. I sometimes think if my husband had begged me to have a second baby, I would have resisted. Perhaps your husband feels bound to take the opposite view to you - the decision to have a baby is a pretty huge one, isn't it?

My husband is now happy we have two - and we still go out and have fun. He wonders if we should try for a girl,(me at 43 years old, I ask you!) says he wouldn't mind another. This time it's my turn to put on the brakes.

My husband was away for the first half of this year and like yours returned only for weekends. He hated it as much as I did and couldn't wait to come back. I finally told him to chuck in his job early july. next day he got a really good job offer and is now working really near home. Even though he hated being away from us and is thrilled to be back the period of adjustment was really awful. he was grumpy moody and just generally difficult. like having three bubs in the house instead of two. He lived like a single guy for the weeks he was away in that he could go to the pub when he wanted, go out to dinner go to the footie with his mates, and coming home on weekends was like a little holiday, whereas being back into it fulltime was a huge shock for us both. I just gave him a bit of space, told him to sort himself out and started doing stuff for myself that i could't do while he was away and now it's great again, but it did seem to take a while for him to get back into family man mode again. good luck

Bugsy, your email strikes such a chord with me - my partner (at 30!!!!!) says he feels life passes him by and that he feels there is so much he wants to do that he can't. Each week there is a new plan about which country we should move to, and new ideas for our lives, none of which are even slightly practical and none of which he makes any attempts to organise. Then its back to feelings of discontent again until another plan is hatched. Although, I must admit my biggest concern is that he is fundamentally not so happy, rather than him being too grumpy. I probably win on the grumpiness stakes.

There is a book you just HAVE to read. I finished it myself yesterday - after compulsive reading. It is called the best a man can get by john o'farrell - such an insightful story into the thinkings of a young(ish) dad - had me laughing out loud one minute and crying the next. Might not solve any problems but may help to put things in perspective. anyway its a bloody good read. The next step is to get him to read it - I'm working on it. May help them to snap out of it and realise just how lucky they are.

Men seem to continue to "want it all" even when they've already got it, don't they. I asked my husband about this situation and he says that men have to learn new rules for themselves and come to a new understanding of their position when they become husbands and, more so, fathers. They have to learn to empower the people they live with (wives, children) and not just themselves, which they are already used to doing.

Thanks all for your very helpful posts. Things improved greatly over the weekend. I stopped being a shoulder to cry on at the end of last week, so he wasn't really getting any response to his whinging and I think a few warm, sunny, relaxing days made everything look much better. I am sure that time is needed to readjust after being away for so long. It makes me wonder how the Forces wives cope. Afterall, I was seeing my dh every weekend, but these women get used to living without their partners for months on end.

Oh Bugsy you're reminding me of my childhood now! My father was in the RAF for the whole of my childhood and my poor mother was "left" with 4 children at home very frequently and for long periods of time. We did live abroad as a family in Singapore and Malaya which was fantastic but my father was posted "on exercise" every few months for a few months most of the rest of the time. As a v. young child I don't really remember much about my father as my mother was the main carer. However my father was very glamorous to me in his role as returning male in his uniform and always with exotic presents (God it sounds like wartime but of course I'm not THAT old). In fact I developed a better relationship with my father over time than my mother which is still the case to this day. So lack of early hands on may not mean a problem from the child's point of view - it is much harder for the mother not to have the constant support though.

Sounds like your husband is blaming the situation you are in at this moment in your lives for something that is within himself. His reasoning for his feeings is quite irrational or inacurate, so. It seems that he is just trying to find an outlet or excuse to justify how he is feeling at this present time.
Perhaps you could help him to take responsibility for and own his feeling by the way in which you respond to him.
You might say things like - "So YOU think that...."
Or "I am sorry that YOU feel that way".
Something along these lines might put the responsibility ack onto him.
Of course you will want to support him, but his words are a little confusing to you, so that is most likely because he is a bit confused about everything himself.
You could also pretend to agree with what he says, this would certainly make him examine the validity of his words
You could say something like "Yes I see what you meen, what do you think we should do about this?" This would get him to think about what he is actually saying.
Sometimes when we disagree with someone, their reaction is to become even more adament that their view is correct. If we agree they have nowhere to go with it, except examine what they are saying.
These are just suggestions - but at the end of the day you know your partner the best and as with every life situation, when things are tuff just remember "this too will pass" no situation ever remains the same for very long! THANK GOODNESS

I'm so glad I've read this thread. It has put things in perspective for me after a seriously bad afternoon. Finally confronted dh today as to why he has been so sullen, un-loving (to me, not to our 4 week old dd), uncommunicative and generally horrible since dd was born. He told me to leave him alone to "deal with it" (I know he feels trapped - he has just ordered a home cinema audio system although we can't really afford it), that he feels I am critical of anything he does with dd (he never offers to help with her - but is great when I give her to him), and that I will just have to put up with him. I feel very alone as we are not from the UK and have only a few friends and no family here.
I know the best advice is for me to get out more and leave him with dd - I would appreciate suggestions for such outings, I feel like I'm caving in on myself and can't think of anything to do on my own (we used to do everything together).

My dh came home on Saturday night after being away for 5 days. I understand he's been on a business trip but he also gets wined, dined, etc while he's away and at least he doesn't have a two year-old permanently attached to his leg. I had quite a stressful week with ds while dh was away, plus trying to study and get assignments done at the same time, plus trying to keep up with all the housework. There are not enough hours in the day, in my opinion. Anyway dh was just lying around on the couch on Sunday afternoon and starts saying things like "I really think the decor in the house needs changing. I thought you would have replaced some of these pictures on the walls by now. And I think this couch needs to be re-covered. I think some different colours in the house would be much better. Why don't you get an interior designer to come in to help you?" AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! DH is always going on about how we spend too much money, so I didn't exactly think that redecorating the house was an option right now, (plus he knows how snowed-under I've been), so his comments really got to me. In fact they got to me so much that I just flipped - I told him to do it himself and then I just went out for a couple of hours, leaving him with ds. He was not impressed when I came back, but it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. Sorry if it's not all that relevant to the topic, but this is just what men are like. They don't know how good they've got it sometimes.

Hi LKM, if it's any consolation, what you are experiencing is pretty normal. My husband, who has 3 children from previous relationships, spent my entire first pregnancy telling me how things were going to be different between us when the baby was born. And then he spent the next 3 months pointing out to me how right he had been. And then at around 3 months, as is normal, our son started interacting with him (ie smiling and laughing) and everything was fine. You think he would have caught on after the first 3 kids. Men!! But don't despair, in a few months your husband will love fathering and start bonding with the baby.
Like you I am not from england and have left all my family and friends in the usa and have found things hard here. I think it's important for you and your husband to get out together without the baby. Give it a few more months and then try to get a babysitter once a week on a regular basis and just go to dinner or a movie or anything as a couple like you used to pre-baby. Good luck.

LKM, I am so sorry you are having a rough time. As others have said, the first few months with a new baby in the house can be really bad going, however much you both wanted the baby and however good your relationship was until that point. Been there, collected the divorce threats etc - and, so have ALL my NCT group mothers, and everyone at my postnatal group at my GPs. All of us went through a patch of hating our lives and our partners and I think what kept us sane was having someone to moan about it with, who WASN'T family or mutual friends of the couple.
For every single one of us, three years down the line, life is much better - and it got so as soon as our babies started sleeping longer at nights. Sleep deprivation is a horrible, disruptive thing.
I just wanted to send you virtual hugs and say:

• during the day, try and make new friends by looking on church/community centre and GP's noticeboards for details of parent and baby groups. It takes a lot of determination to show up that first week, but it is worth it.

• Ask your health visitor for any groups she knows about - they can often be a mine of information

• As Pamina says, come to the lunch on the 18th if you are within easy travelling distance of London. Perfect excuse to leave dh holding the baby for several hours and sink a few glasses of wine

• If you are not London-based and feel you want to, tell us where you live. Chances are there will be Mumsnetters in your vicinity. This whole board is full of women who have had difficult times with their babies/partners, or who have moved somewhere new and are lonely (there are also meetings planned in Bath and Edinburgh).

• As SofiaAmes says, try and get a babysitter and get out occasionally with dh. A good source of trustworthy babysitters in the UK is the students on the NVQ for nursery nursing at your local college. A public library will help you identify which colleges nearby teach this course.

Good luck!

Thanks for the messages of support. In my saner moments I know things will improve. In fact have just booked a week in the Algarve in May self catering so hopefully that will be good for us. Pamina - remind me the time/place for the London meet-up - we leave for Faro at 5pm on May 18th so may not realistically be able to make it now.