Was it neglect?

[doodleloo]

Hello all. I'm just looking for external and unbiased opinions about my upbringing. I think it may have been neglect, and I am living with the legacy of that. Either that or I am just a cold unloving and unlovable person. My mother didn't talk to me for years. Literally, I would walk in the door from school and she would not even look up or say hello. I was not allowed to eat the same food as my sisters, she ended up giving my sister a key to the back utilities room and hiding the 'nice' food in there that she was allowed. I was allowed basics like bread, margarine, tinned tomatoes. Things like fruit, ceral, all frozen goods, crisps etc were locked away from me. I was constantly belittled when I was around them, but generally I was left in my room, and not allowed near the rest of the family. Whole weeks in my bedroom on my own. It was a stratified household where my sisters were loved, and I was not even liked.
I am thinking about this all now to try to analyse my own behaviour now, towards my DP. If he annoys or upsets me I shut him out and do not speak to him or allow him any affection / attention, I can do this for weeks. I hate the fact I am hurting him and may be about to repeat the negative cycle. What if I start behaving like this to my kids? How can I stop this? I'm damaged goods. :(

I am not sure what to say to this as I have no experience of this situation. What I can recommend is that you visit the Stately Homes thread which is a safe place to discuss family trauma and unresolved childhood issues.

They are kind people and will listen to your story. They helped me and I find it a very supportive and sensible thread generally.

Look on the relationships board for Stately homes. Good luck - you are doing the right thing by talking about this x x

Yes, that was neglect, and cruelty. I am so sorry that happened. People can be horrific.
Would you be able to find a good counsellor and talk this through? It could only benefit you all in the long run.
Have you confided in your DP?
And do you still see your family?

It can be a shocking process when you look back at childhood experience (normalised at the time) through adult eyes and judgement. Can bring up all kinds of feelings and issues, and having support with them is useful to many. I chose counselling for something 'similar', but sounds like Rude English Lady's advice is a fab starting point.

Good luck, you're not alone, even if your experience is unique!

Yes you were neglected - how awful for you OP - someone better placed to advise you how to support yourself will no doubt be along soon.

You are most certainly not damaged goods.

You won't behave this way to your DC because you recognise that it was wrong.

I think counselling may help you to work through this

Yes you were neglected shockingly so.

God, I'm so sad for you that you even have to wonder if that was neglect! That was an awful, horrible, cruel way to treat a child, it was definitely neglect, and it's almost certainly affected how you approach adult relationships.

Pleae do consider therapy, if you've lived with this for so long then you need to talk abuot it with someone.

Thank you for all your replies, and so quick too! In a strange way it makes me feel better to know that it wasn't normal, even though it was my "normal". I will take a peek on the stately homes thread, thank you.
Unprune I recently confided in DP, after he became v upset and cried at my apparent coldness while I was doing my usual thing of shutting him out. He calls it when I 'lock myself in my room'. It was then I realised where my behaviour came from. Learnt from my mum. I don't really see my family now. I realised it was always me making the effort to see them, packing up and taking my 2 kids to see them while they don't ever come to me. Last time I saw mum she said she'd call me to arrange a visit soon. She never called, and I didn't do my usual thing of calling her instead, that was 7 months ago now. So she has only met DS twice, and he is 1 now. Both DCs have had birthdays recently, and she sent a card but still has not called. It hurts she can do that to her grandkids too.

I think as you all have said, councelling would be helpful. I live in London and it seems so expensive, £60 per session! Not to mention paying for childcare during sessions. But as DP said, we should not put a price on my mental health so will have to find the money from somewhere. Thanks everyone that answered, it helps a lot to be listened to.

Yes, that was neglect and emotional abuse.

You were "scapegoat child".

The stately homes thread is great but do google "toxic parents" and also "scapegoat child" and do some reading.

Couselling is worthwhile if you get a good counsellor. Do some reading up first, once you can identify and name your parent's abusive behaviours then you have the problem defined and you can work towards resolving it and your feelings.

My dad was horribly abused and neglected by his mum and finally at 85 he has said "my mother was a nasty person". He found it very catharthic. Up to then he always made excuses for her.

Please also be prepared for your parents never EVER admitting they were wrong. Abusers never admit they are wrong, they will probably say it was your fault or that they were ill or suffering htemselves. This is complete balls of course but abusers are capable of such amazing self deception that it takes your breath away. My granny thought she was great for instance.

You poor thing. What a terrible childhood. You are better off not having any contact with your mother. You need to work through your own feelings before see heragain (if you ever do). Now you have started speaking to DP you have takent the first step. This is good but it may be a tough road. You need only people who will support you. Read the books and find a good counsellor. How you were treated was not your fault. You are a good person.

doodleloo What happened to you is terrible. You can get therapy on the nhs. Go to your GP and say what you have said here, or print it and show it to your GP, if saying it out loud would be hard. There is help available.

I have found so much support on the stately homes thread. I was a scapegoat too, my mother believes I am evil and demonic. I have had a huge amount of help via the NHS. I had something called "inner child therapy" which teaches you to reparent yourself in a normal, loving and healing way. It works.

You can recover from this, and you deserve to be happy.

I have been reading some of the stately homes thread. It's terrible the damage our parents can do. I feel like a fraud posting on there, when what happened to me seems minor by comparison. Although those feelings may be related to years of making myself invisible. It is so ingrained. Whenever I tried to talk or show my feelings when I was younger my mum would say 'try walking in my shoes for a day', ' you'd really have something to cry about if you were me' etc.
It feels so self indulgent to consider my own feelings, or to feel compassion for myself. I'm not worth it right, my own mum didnt love me!
Thanks so much for all your kind words and advice. thisishowifeel I will try to get the strength to see my GP. Need to collect DD from preschool now with a face like a pink snotty cauliflower from crying!! x

doodleloo, just wanted to agree that yes, you were neglected and actively abused. What a terrible childhood. You must be amazingly strong to have survived that and made a life for yourself.
Good luck on your journey of recovery.

You know doodleloo you are incredibly brave for posting this and I have to thank you because my mother did this to me too.
There is still a part of me that doesn't believe it really happened to me or was that bad, or perhaps that I deserved it.
When I read your post I konw just how wrong and awful it was for a mother to treat any child this way especially. I recognise also it is especially painful when other siblings are being treated differently (also the case for me).
I do hope you came over to the 'stately home thread', the ladies there are very supportive and caring-it has been a life-line for me.

doodledo - good on you for not ringing her. And good on you for telling your dp and good on him for supporting you.
You are already miles ahead of your mother. xx

And therealsmithfield too xx

I saw my mother verbally abusing my small boy, and only then did the penny drop for me that being scared of your mum isn't normal. Sometimes it takes something external to realise that things have been very wrong.

doodleloo No, you were not neglected. You were emotionally and psychologically abused. Simple neglect would have been nowhere near as bad as this.

Everyone on the Stately Homes thread has felt like that at first....it is part of what your mother has done to you.

You deserve the world, you deserve to exist and you deserve to be happy.

I agree, you are already an extraordinarily amazing person for recognising what happened to you, and speaking about it. A lot of people never have to be so brave, and you already are.

Yes doodledoo, I'm afraid so. That might be really hard to hear and hope you feel okay after reading these replies. Come and join us on the stately homes thread. I've just started posting on there and it's a very caring, validating place to be.

It was cruelty. I know that's hard to hear, but also a kind of relief, yes? You think it wasn't "that bad" because you were told it was your lot and, as a child, you had no yardstick to measure it by. I wonder if you assumed, as a child, that every family had a scapegoat who would be treated the same way?

It's superbly helpful that your DP has such a constructive attitude :) You must be feeling ready to face some of your pent-up feelings now, as you made an instant connection between what DP said and your childhood. It's not all that unusual for something like this to happen when you have a small child of your own: loving her as you do, you suddenly become aware that your own mother couldn't have loved you that way :(

Please do some reading around it, and marshall all the support you can get. You very much deserve it! x

Thanks so much for your support ladies. I will make my way over to stately homes. x

Doodledoo, it is brilliant that you are trying to pick your way through this now and I would highly recommend counselling.
The thing is that at some point soon, the hugeness of this is going to hit you and you are going to feel a lot worse - you could even become suicidal. It is really, really important for you to get that counselling support in place now to make sure you have something to fall on to.
Try the Westminster Pastoral Foundation. They cost around £40 a session, but are happy to take whatever you can afford. They have branches all over and they helped me immeasurably.
My childhood wasn't as abusive as yours, but my mother rejected me too, and dealing with it in my 30s was the hardest, but ultimately the best, thing I have ever done.
I really wish you good luck.