Need advice on how to handle - have made an "accusation"

[bintofbohemia]

Big backstory, won't go into the whole thing here but basically had a big phone conversation with my step mother last night and explained that the reason our relationship has broken down comes down to the fact that bad things happened in my childhood and have been swept under the carpet and I won't gloss over them anymore. They've opted not to spend time with us, not to visit DS2 hardly at all since he was born over 2 years ago, not to be supportive whilst we've been through some tough times in the last couple of years.

I brought up during this conversation the fact that I feel my father doesn't give a shit about me. He would barely speak to me at my wedding, blanked me when I said goodbye and made a speech that was pretty sombre (in contrast to the speech he made at my half sister's wedding about how fucking fabulous she is.)

The main thing is that I brought up an incident when I was 16 and my dad beat me up. He hit me in the face, dragged me along from the front door to the front room and hit me until my stepmother came and stopped him. I wanted to run away and call the police and I was so angry with myself for not doing, as unfortunately he didn't leave a mark on me (I say unfortunately, you know what I mean) and the next day it was like nothing had happened, no apology, no mention. Ever again.

Less than a year later durign an argument he got me up against the door by my throat, and this time I was a bit more prepared. I said "go on then, hit me, I'm going to the police this time" and he let me go and that was the last time he was violent with me. (He has since been emotionally cruel but that's another story.)

My stepmother is saying this didn't happen. She remembers a "scuffle in the hall" but apparently my dad has never hit anyone in the face. I said "just because you don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen." Thing is, my dad will no doubt phone me this week (she said he wanted to speak to me) and I'm wondering how to handle it.

He knows what he did. So does my brother, my best friend, and so do I. I even dug out my diary and I know the date of the second incident. I don't know what tack he's going to take or how to handle it. If he denies it I will lose any last thread of respect for him, because he knows. What if he takes the attitude that people get hit, get over it, that it's not a big deal?

Woudl really appreciate some advice as I'm steeling myself for this conversation and have no idea what to do.

I'm surprised you have any respect left for him at all tbh.
What can he possibly say to make it all better? What do you want him to say? Why do you want to speak to him at all?
If you want to prosecute then prosecute. But I very much doubt that a conversation with him at this point will do anyhting but make things worse.
And your stepmother may well be in denial herself. If he has violent tendencies I'd say it's very unlikely she's never been on the recieving end of them herself :(

You know the truth, he knows the truth - but the likelihood of him saying "it's a fair cop, I was wrong, I'm very sorry" seems pretty remote. So I don't know how far a conversation about past events will get you - you might end up feeling more bitter and frustrated than you do now. Can you go and see him if you need to have it out - you might get more of a result face to face. And if he does say "it's a fair cop", could you/would you forgive him? Would it help?

I don't really know what to say - I'm sorry you went through all this.

I don't want to prosecute him, although I do wish I had told the police that first night because then no one coudl claim that I was lying, or had "forgotten" it happened.

I highly doubt he's ever hit her, or my half sister. She wouldn't have put up with it. But he did hit me and my brother when we were teenagers (not as children - it seems he couldn't cope with teenagers very well, mainly if they were the offspring of his ex wife as I can't believe my half sister ever copped it.)

I suppose, really, I want him to acknowledge what he's done. He hasn't been this hero superfather that my SM makes him out to be, bringing us up where my mother didn't. He's been distant, unavailable, controlling and mean. I don't even care if he apologises or not, (although we will never have any chance at being on civil terms if he brushes it off this time) but I want him to know that I know, I haven't forgotten, and he hasn't been, and still isn't, a great father.

It speaks volumes that it's my SM trying to work at rebulding things now. Nothing from him.

I think you need to have that conversation, if only to give yourself some closure but completely understand why you're not looking forward to it.

As far as I can see, you've taken the step of being completely straight and open with your step-mother and the next - bigger - step is being straight and open with him. He might acknowledge it and apologise, he might deny it, I don't really think its worth second guessing him or trying to prepare a response. Whatever he says, don't feel you have to respond there and then. This is a huge deal and has potentially huge consequences for you. There should be no shame for you at all in this situation, but there's definitely no shame in telling him that you need to think about what he's said and call him back (or not). Really good luck to you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and you're being very brave in facing it.

Perhaps you 'need' him to admit his behaviour in order to move on, but I suspect he will deny, deny, deny. The vast majority of violent men either deny or downplay or blame their violence on their victim, so there's no reason why he would be any different.

Let him (and you stepmother) live in his denial and lies. It will come out in other ways for them. Powerful emotions can't be squashed completely however much the mind tries to.

You need to find a way through this and regain the peace of mind you deserve. Can I suggest a short course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? It doesn't go deep into your past, but challenges negative thought patterns - something you might find helpful.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

He won't acknowledge it, you know. If you can live with that, and go ahead and remind him of the details and that you haven't forgotten, it's worth having the converstion. For you, though; not for his reaction.

But he'll never acknowledge it, and he'll never apologise, although I know you wish he would - and he should, in a just and fair world.

I think you should steel yourself for this, though: "Dad, I've told you what happened, and you're denying it happened/telling me it didn't matter. If we're this far apart on such an important issue, we can't have a relationship anymore. Goodbye, and good luck".

Thank you Hassled, x-posted! I dunno, my SM claims they want to see the children and have a relationship with us all. They've said this before though and never put any actual effort. I'd like everything to be amicable but on my terms and I'm not taking any more guilt tripping like I've been getting.

(My SM claims that the rift between me and half sister is very sad, halfsister apparently was crying about this the other night and wants us to visit her new house. But she hasn't told me she's moved, or let me know her new address. Apparently, she's too scared of me (at the age of 25)to call/visit. FFS - obviously you don't know me, but I am not scary. It makes me sound like a big butch fighty bitch. I am absolutely not!)

Sorry if I am off the mark here, but it seems to me that you would be better off focussing on what your father is like NOW and dealing with that. He is NEVER going to admit that he was a rubbish father in the past, or that he beat you. It is a long time ago so he can use that as an excuse to 'forget' or say you have remembered things wrongly.

Whereas you CAN say to him, father you are cold and unsupportive to me, you showed contempt at my wedding and you show blatant favouritism to my sister. You are not a good father and unless you can acknowledge and do something about this, I can't have anything more to do with you.

I don't think he will change though, sorry If he has been like this for 30+ years, he will not suddenly become the father you want. It is best to protect yourself his behaviour now. YOU know what he did as a teenager...you don't need your father or stepmother to prove it. I believe you.

Thank you all. The fact that you are all reacting to it as a big deal is reassuring - they fucked with my head to the extent that I've questioned whether it was that bad, whether I deserved it/provoked him - I was probably a bit gobby.

I am halfway through a course of CBT and it is helping. (In fact you've just reminded me I have a session this afternoon!) And you're probably right about not overthinking it - but it does feel like a bit of a make or break situation.

(SM says she doesn't feel like my father can win and I'm determined to have a problem with him. Yeah, every little girl's dream, to grow up to have issues like this with their father. What a stupid thing to say.)

ALL teenagers can be difficult at times. Some are gobby, some are selfish, some are downright rude but NONE of them deserve beating. Like you I was treated abysmally as a teen so I can fully understand why this bothers you now. I suspect though that by still wanting recognition you are playing into his emotionally abusive hands. I know its hard and you will almost certainly require therapy of some sort but walk away. Dont give him power or control over you anymore, take back your power and show him that any attempt he made to hurt you has failed. Best revenge ever!!

Prettyfly - sorry you had a similar thing. Do you not see your parents anymore?

I'm not optimistic he'll take any responsibility - I wonder if he'll even bother trying to talk to me about it. On the upside I'm at a point where I feel more able to accept it. I think I'll always feel a bit sad about it, but better a bit sad than still screwed up and manipulated.

Bint

I don't actually think your father will phone you this week. If he did phone he will do is deny, not accept any responsibility for his actions and underplay everything like all these toxic parents do. SM is just as culpable here as well. He's certainly not going to apologise or be the man you want him to be.

I have read much about your stepmother and your Dad and neither of them deserve any of your time and consideration. From what you have written about him as well previously it would not surprise me to read that he did use violence against you so I certainly believe you.

Glad to read that the CBT is helping you.

Reading the Stately Homes thread on these relationship pages may be helpful to you as well.

bint I left home at 17 due to some of the behaviours you describe. (I was physically assaulted in the name of discipline but it was more the emotional cruelty/neglect)

Anyway, from the other side I don't see my father, haven't for about 5 years now (his choice). I acknowledge him by sending Christmas cards. no idea why.

Occasionally well-meaning but oblivious family friends say he would like to see us but is afraid of being snubbed. Imo he is the parent, he knows what he did wrong (but would never admit it) so if he truly wants to see me, dh and our two beautiful dds then he needs to make an effort.

He is a very unhappy, sorry for himself type man.

I do not regret not seeing him, that was the point of my post really. (in the hope that it might help you in some way)

Hello again Attila! Yeah, I think you're right. He hasn't been in touch yet and I doubt he will, it'll all be back under the carpet now, no doubt. I did get something akin to an apology from my SM, although rahter halfheartedly and begrudginly, but I think that's as good as it'll ever get. I have recently joined the stately homes thread and it is really helpful to find other people in a similar boat.

onepiece - sorry you've been through similar. Where was your mother, was she around or was she as bad? I hear you on the making an effort thing, it's pretty crap to cause the problem and then expect you to take steps to try to mend it. Glad to hear you sound so balanced and at peace with it! I'm working towards it...

So, what do you know, a week on, and having actually seen my father twice, nothing has been mentioned.

Unbelievable.

I actually don't know what to do. I don't really talk to him anyway but I might raise it with my SM next time she calls. I can't believe they're just carrying on, it's beyond weird.

Why do you still have them in your life if you don't like them and there's all this horrible stuff that's happened and they're not nice people?

And I know, I know, people say "for the children". But why would you want horrible people in your children's lives either?

I don't understand.

I know. I don't understand myself, it messes with my head. Sometimes they appear to be nice and it's quite disorientating.

I think it boils down to the fact that am just not hard enough.