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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

new partner- erection problems WWYD?

7 replies

chosenonetosurvivethenight · 08/11/2010 11:59

I have been seeing my new partner for nearly 2 months and we have a good sex life in that he is very giving, will take time to make me climax at least once, there is huge chemistry and physical 'spark' between us, he is also very affectianate, hugs/strokes etc but....

he has problems maintaining an erection and he has only completed with me twice! He stays hard for 5 to ten minutes of sex but then it goes. We've spoken about it and he gets upset and emabarrassed and says the problem started when he was with his previous partner, its nothing to do with not fancying me etc, he's given me loads of reassurance but... I feel its driving a wedge as he won't always get into anthing sexual because of this worry, he seems happy with a once /twice week session and i feel rejected if he just wants to cuddle!! He says he does masterbate but only around once a week, sometimes uses porn sometimes doesn't, I've asked to join in with that and he seemed quite shy!

Looking at this written down i probably look heartless but Im worried he wants me to settle for this and get on with it as he doesn't want to see a doctor or give up smoking. Im staying tonight and just know he'll say he's not in the mood and can we cuddle! Things are going great otherwise im worried this is going to be a major hurdle Sad

OP posts:
RandyRussian · 08/11/2010 12:02

If he's lasting 10 minutes don't knock it - be grateful!

TeeBee · 08/11/2010 12:13

It could be a cardiovascular problem (or an indication of an underlying one), or be a psychological issue. I would be inclined to try and persuade him to see a doctor to rule out the possibility of heart problems. If he refuses, that would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

You don't sound heartless at all, but why waste your time with someone who won't look at an issue that could come between you.

emmyloulou · 08/11/2010 12:14

Before people blame porn and him daring to masturbate, it's nothing to do with that, it's psychological and to do with his past and not being able to relax with you. WHat he describes is not excessive masturbation.

My oh had this issue when we met, he was open about it and told me it was due to an ex and things that had been said and done.

He was like this with his other limited sexual partners, then he met me.

I knew the deal but it wasn't about sex it was about him so I didn't let it phase me. As it goes we had no issues as on the occassions it did happen, I made no big deal of it and didn't go through the whole rejected thing as I knew he wasn't rejecting me at all and we just went to sleep cuddling. After the first 6 months or so it never happened again and it only happened in that time a dozen or so times, as we were so relaxed, if that.

He will know you are feeling rejected and disappointed when he "fails" so will avoid sex and it will happen more often it's a vicious circle.

You need to decide if you can let go of your own hang ups for a while and are prepared to work at it baring in mind you are only 2 months in.

chosenonetosurvivethenight · 08/11/2010 12:24

Thanks ladies and emmyloulou, that sounds very familiar. His ex had an affair which he pretty much knew about for the last year of their relationship he descibes it as knocking his confidence. He does seem to be putting off sex so its clearly on his mind, I did ask him about excessive porn use etc and he was adamant he's a weekly wanker rather than daily. But he had not had sex with anyone for nearly a year after his break up and obviously things had been bad for a while. I think I will ride it out (ahem!) for the next few weeks/rest of this year then gently bring up the doctors again. I want to be supportive its just difficult.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 08/11/2010 12:34

How old is he?
If he is 40+ and smokes it may well be a physical issue.
40% of men over 40 have ED some time.

I'd try to encourage him to go to G P for a check up first.

chosenonetosurvivethenight · 08/11/2010 12:37

yes i looked at that website. he's 41

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 08/11/2010 12:42

If he can wank fine, it's not likely to be a physical issue btw but psychological that's what the dr will tell him but yeah it won't hurt to get checked out.

DH did before I met him he was a lot younger but was told it wasn't physical but his ex rubbing her cheating in his face and going into explicit sexual detail and basically mentally screwing with him like your partner.

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