Wish he'd fall under a bus

[NotReadyYet]

Completely had enough of relationship with DH. Don't fancy him, he's lazy and he's in a crap mood a lot of the time. BUT I just fall apart at the idea of having to share our 2 DDs. I really cannot bear the thought of not seeing them on Christmas Day, or him having them over night. And I know it would devastate our girls ( 4 & 7) if we split up. So do I just put up with it for the sake of the kids? Would be very convenient if he fell of a cliff.

How do you cope with being separated from your babies??

I am not in that position any more, but was for 6 months. It was very hard at first. You find you are no longer 'just' a mother, but you kind of become your 'old' self again.

After time you actually begin to really enjoy that time to yourself and can do things like visiting friends or pampering, going shopping, listening to music, having a lie in etc.

alot of us do cope....my dc dont see their dad at all anymore tho

but really,what are you teaching your girls by staying with someone you despise?? they wont thank you for it!

I can only speak as someone whose parents are divorced. In my experience, it is far better to set an example to your daughters by not remaining in a bad relationship. It will be hard to adjust at first, but in the long run many people are better parents and happier mums and dads when they get out of a depressing, draining relationship. Honestly, your girls will be ok, just handle it with diplomacy and agree that neither of you will ever bash each other verbally in front of the kids. For me, that was the hard part, having to listen to my parents tell me how nasty the other was. If you remove that, then i think they will be ok. Don't teach them to accept unhappiness by accepting it yourself.

sometimes they do 'fall under a bus/ off a cliff'.....

I know yours did, merrywidow, but more often the buggers live more or less forever (as I suspect mine will), so there's nothing for it but Plan B.

If the OP's H is that lazy he may not even want to have the DCs to stay often.

Merrywidow, I'm sorry if I've been insensitive, or are you happier?

Thank you for the positive comments. I know u r right that "staying together for the sake of the kids" is a misnomer.

I'm the one in the relationship that makes everything happen, and as such I have control over all family matters. I guess I'm scared of losing control over what happens to my DDs. Particularly if DH starts a new relationship, which realistically will happen.

Can I ask how much time typically ex-husbands get the kids for?

He is v lazy, but he loves his kids. I think he'd want to see them as much as possible.

NYR. I am happier. The six months preceeding his passing were the worst of my life, not because we knew he was unwell, we didn't, but his behaviour was bordering on crazy- he wanted to move in another woman ( she was 20, he 57!) and when I said no he physically attacked me. He was arrested and cautioned, I started divorce proceedings, he bought me a fancy car. He sent mad letters to my solicitors, I withdrew the proceedings and wondered how I'd get through another 14 years of the relationship ( DS only 4 ); within 14 weeks he had passed away.

He was always controlling and abusive throughout the marriage, 15 years, and I stayed because of the kids. I realised a long time ago that his abuse was not about me, but I used to think that the children were the ONLY thing he had and struggled to envision a life where we would split and I would be able to sleep peacefully at night without the fear that he would run back to his home country with them as he had threatened.

Its a bit weird, I used to sit in the garden smoking in the mornings repeating to myself over and over 'it won't be like this forever, something will change, something will change' just to give myself strength!

I never grieved him as you would a loved one, after he had gone, the first six months I was actually as angry as hell, but thats slipped away now and I feel sad for him as I think he was a lonely man who found it difficult to love. I am happier because I dont have to deal with him anymore, and relaxed because he can never take the children away.

Merrywidow. My god. You've really been through it.

Keep thinking I should write a book but don't know which angle to take; abuse/control, cultural differences, the Other Women ( prostitues, the 20 year old, his ex wife and god only knows who else ), gambling.... I did 15 years of hardcore marriage and its been like getting out of jail.

I found a letter in the loft from his ex wife who had left him, then he'd stalked, and her words to him were 'its too late, I want my life back, you make me feel trapped and miserable'. They had no kids. I have spoken to her, for some reason she still loved him(they took a holiday together 6 years ago unbeknown to me ) but has also said that she feels released by his passing away

sorry I hijacked your thread a bit

No worries. It's been a great distraction from my relatively minor problems - I'd buy the book. And you are proof that wishes can come true!

MW - I'll buy it when you write it. Don't worry about the angle, just start writing! I've heard bits of your story over time and when I saw the thread title I wondered if you were around today

NRY - you will find your way through it and be happier for it... I hope you get some answers that will make the decision easier for you!

thinking of Plan B , Anniegetyourgun; my mum who has quite a sense of humour said to me last year when she knew I was really going through it 'you're smart, can't you put something in his tea?'....

NYR I always thought that if I'd had left, it would have been much easier before the children got older, they seem to be more adaptable to change the younger they are. DD aged 12 has had a much much more difficult time with the loss of her father( he was also starting to control her in subtle ways )than DS aged 4 who just seems to accept the fact. DD said the other week ' I know dad was really horrible to US and made everything difficult, but I think deep down you really loved him'. The fact she included both of us was telling.

NotReadyYet Hi there. I know you want to do right by your girls but your comment about him falling over a cliff struck a bit of a chord.

My parents stayed together even though mum was clearly disappointed with dad and he was treated like a child by him. (I'm not saying your relationship is like this btw!) but my point is their relationship evolved into this tight, poisonous set up where mum's contempt would slip out sometimes like boiling steam for a saucepan of spuds. 'Oh I wish he'd fall off a cliff sometimes!' She said it half in 'jest' but my sister and I knew it was meant. We picked up on the atmosphere of smouldering anger and disappointment even though we were too young to really understand it. I wish they had split up - they might have been happier.

So I guess I'm saying firstly that you owe it to yourself to be happy - we only go round once, and secondly don't stick around for the sake of your children. They should do a study of the effects of kids whose parents stay together for their sake. I doubt if they are particularly grateful.

"Would be very convenient if he fell of a cliff."

Is your name Janine (and is your DH called Barry? )

Joking aside, my parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids" for years while I wished they'd divorce. Never seeing them even so much as hug really affects my own adult relationships even now. By the time they did seperate, I'd moved out anyway, and mum only enjoyed a few years of life without him before she passed away.

I've resolved never to be that woman, or for my own to be those children.

I agree that your children won't thank you for staying with a man you despise. It's a terrible example to set them.

However, they also won't thank you if you split up, and then can't bear the fact that he will want to see his children, have them overnight/on holidays etc.

The decision to leave is yours; however, decisions about the children are not all about you - it's fundamentally about THEM, and their dad too.

The OP reads as if you feel you have a right to control what happens in terms of him seeing his kids. Maybe that wasn't the intention, but i would have a long think about how to handle this. Kids pick up on your feelings, not just what you say and do, and you need to ensure that if you split, your children's wellbeing is central.

Maybe your thread title is jokey - but seriously, this is the father of your children you're talking about. They wouldn't wish him dead.