Role models. Have I missed out?

[DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes]

I've been married for almost 4 years and have 6mo dd. I'm just starting to realise quite how much I missed out on a mother/wife role model as a child and I'm wondering if that's why I'm finding it so hard to know what's expected of me (I'm thinking wife in particular - the mother bit is coming far more naturally but I'm concerned for when dd gets older and I won't know what to do).

Long story short, my mother died when I was very young and father remarried when I was 9. Was packed off to boarding school so that step-mother wouldn't be burdonned with me and my sister. I don't feel like I have had anyone to watch and learn from.

I know I have a weakness for looking for people/circumstances to blame for my inadequacies so I'm just wondering if I really did miss out or if I'm just being stupid.

Basically my question is this: How much have you all learned from your mums about being a good wife/mother?

Thank you :)

Only how not to do it! I mean, not that it was awful, but my family home was quite loud, opinionated, tough love (e.g. "Ill you say? Temp of 103? Get off to school and stop moaning."), constant mickey-taking etc..
But whilst I'm glad it toughened me up (no Katie Waissel-style histrionics in my life), I don't want to replicate it in my own family. Although I can sometimes see bits creeping in. I guess I've looked around at other families I know, and picked out the bits I admire and adopted those things.

I learned a lot about being a wife - but kind of learned it in reverse. For instance - I am careful what I'll admit to being able to do. Because my mum did everything, my father did as little as possible. My granny was the same and they both raged about it.

So I can't lift anything heavy, I'm scared to go up a ladder and I'm scared of driving on the highway. I don't 'understand' the coffee machine. Not really! But DP needs some tasks that only he can do! Men use this tactic all the time...

That's very interesting, DWHH.

My grandmother died when my mum was 9 and I feel I've missed out on learning how to be a good mum/wife because my mum did. From little things like family recipes not being passed down to not being brought up in a 'softer' sort of house, because my mum wasn't.

From a slightly different perspective, my DH's dad died when he was 6 and he had no role model for being a Husband or father until his Mum remarried when he was in his teens (to someone unfaithful!)He is a wonderful Husband, no idea where he learnt it.

I don't think you have to have a role model as every relationship is so different anyway. I think that when 2 people get together and embark on a committed relationship one of the hardest things can be the mis-match of expectations from each, which is down to what they have learnt from their own parents about what a marriage/partnership should be like.

When I got married for the first time I thought people who were married to each other and loved each other were nice to each other and treated each other with respect because that is what my parents had taught me. Unfortunately my exH parents had taught him something completely different!

Yes - I have found it incredibly hard being a mother. Wife not so much, because I don't see it as a role to play iyswim - I am who I am, we've been together since our very early 20s so we've sort of grown up together. Plus, dh was quite seriously ill for a while and I was his support/ and vice versa at one point (though less serious) so we have been tested, if that makes sense.

But mother - oh my god. Left when we were young. I've seen the effect of this on my younger brother and have a son myself, a similar age to when my brother was left motherless. Suffice to say, I would never, ever consider leaving my child, extreme mental illness excepted. The explanations I have heard from my mother over the years have never rung true, and though for a while it didn't matter to me, it now does, and if I never saw her again I'd be fine with that.

I would say I've found certain things incredibly painful, to do with ds, much harder than a practical person who has had a supportive family. I've worried that I'll be a flake, worried that I'll frighten ds if I get angry, worried that I'm not doing right by him. Real middle-of-the-night stuff.

However, we're fine, he's fine, I'm a good mother and just put mine out of mind most of the time.

Thank you for all your comments. glass, your experience in particular rings bells. I think I just assumed that all husbands would be like my father. But father and DH are complete opposites and DH had a completely different upbringing to me so that's had quite a big impact.

I know I'm a good mother to DD at the moment. I'm just a bit scared of letting her down as she gets older by not doing something really obvious!

I think as long as you keep in touch with others, have friends who are obviously good parents, you'll have plenty of input. The very fact that you're aware of this shows that you're a thoughtful person, and that's a great advantage
(Also, I think you can be the best parent in the world, with the best intentions, and still miss out something that your child will later think was obvious. It's so very NOT all obvious!)