really need your help/advice on something totally wrong that i did

[stayinbed]

its a bit complicated, but i'll try to abrreviate - i am happily married to a man i love and who is in love with me, we have 3 dds, we work together in our business that we started together (i love working with dh and admire him in his work), we travel for work together, we excercise together - we have an amazing and close bond.

recently we've been expanding our business overseas and i've been travelling more on my own as a result. a big company part owns our business now, and i've been put together with a team of 3 people who are helping me with selling my product and going to meetings. One of the people on this team is a key executive at the company, and in the past month i've had to spend alot of time alone travelling with him.

During this time we got along amazingly and really connected both personally and professionally. somehow in this akward goodbye on our previous trip he kind of kissed me on the lips. after that he sent me some friendly text messages while i was back home.

the next trip (last week) things got a bit more intense. he was clearly very into me. since in our business there is a lot of client dinners and outings, we ended up being very drunk together and ended up making out - more than once.

now, i have two huge dilemmas. one is - why on earth did i get into this, when my dh is the love of my life? and second - what do i do to explain to this person that what happened is not reflective of my true beliefs (even though i fully participated, i admit). and - is it possible that we can continue to be friends and work together - considering that i really need his help and support at work - if he swings to my side it can make a big impact on the business that dh and i have been working so hard for in the past 7 years. PLEASE HELP! all advice welcome!!

why does my message not appear in 'active' conversations?

Forget about being friends. you don't need to be friends, just colleagues. You don't have to explain anything to him. Just tell him clearly that you made a mistake and it is never happening again. And no more drinking with him to make that easier. Can you change things so that you don't have to have trips alone with him?

Oh dear.
You are not going to get an easy ride here at all.

I am slightly worried that this is not genuine as it's a bit of a cliche- shagging a colleague on a business trip then thinking Whoa!

I am worried that your biggest concern is the business and the deals, not how hurt your DH might be if he finds out!

I am trying very hard not to be all judgy as it's a bit pathetic that a grown woman gets drunk on a business trip and shags a colleague or whatever he is.

All you can do is either ignore him from now on, or tell him the whole thing was a huge mistake, you were drunk, it was a ghastly mistake, and to keep away from you and keep it strictly business.And hope he doesn't turn nasty and tell your DH.

I don't think your DH would welcome the boost to your business on the back of you shagging someone else it make it happen.

bump - hope you don't mind - not very good on the advice angle but maybe someone else will be able to help.

i appreciate your honest answers. sadly you are right purplepeony and its pathetic - though there was no shagging. only snogging.

I am such an idiot - i could have been a little more firm and we could have just been stayed friendly.

what is the best thing to say to him - i need exact words, i am very bad at communicating.

do i tell my dh?

and no one answered this one - why did i end up doing it to begin with? i am happy in my life.

oh you said you "made out"- I thought that meant sex!

as you were then. Just ignore him/it and promise yourself never to get into an intimate situation again with a man who is not your DH, when you re drunk.

do NOT tell DH. Why hurt him?
This is yours to bear the guilt.

Just say "I need to talk about the other evening. I am sorry that it went as far as it did- it should not have. We are colleagues and we over stepped the mark. Blame the drink! Hope we can work together and it's not going to be too tricky for either r of us."

YOU are the one who has to find out why you did it- nice man, attention, flattery, alcohol?

unless you ar e not as happy as you say.

Alcohol is why you ended up doing it I imagine.

Also however happy you are you probably enjoyed the attention. I would quit while you are sort of ahead

I agree, don't beat yourself up about the why. We are all suscpeptible to a bit of attention. And its easy to neglect your relationship when there is a lot of work, stress, kids etc.

You "Hello Jason, I just wanted to talk about what happened last time I saw you."

Him: "Yeah?"

You: "That was a big mistake and it won't happen again. Let's keep things completely professional from now on."

Him: Flirting / smiling - "Really? Are you sure about that?"

You: completely straight faced. "Yes, I'm quite sure. Sorry. It was a mistake and it isn't going to happen again."

etc

thanks purplepeony, i really appreciate it. your answers all strike a chord.
i think i can figure out why i did it. all selfish reasons and a lot of insecurities about myself.

one last thing if you are still around - I have always had a gleaming track record of integrity (in everything i do) does my letting this happen mean i've just been lying to myself, and i have it in me?

I can bear the guilt on my own, but i don't want to feel forever like i'm telling myself a lie about myself.

thanks

thanks for all your suggestions, i really needed the help and had no one i could count on for it, thanks

None of us is perfect.
Do not be so hard on yourself. We are all sinners given the chance- and the booze.
Live and learn and all that , eh?

excellent wording , mimsy!

Alcohol has a lot to answer for.

It's good you have nipped it in the bud

Just as a side question, do you all think that it's ok to hide infidelity from a partner? Or do you think that every case is different? Not asking to make the OP feel guilty, just interested in hearing your thoughts.

My partner cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and hid it from me. He told me that he hid it because it was a ridiculous mistake and he was protecting me. I have since drummed into him the fact that I am an adult and I have the right to choose whether or not to be with someone who has cheated on me. I am only happy to be there because I'm being lied to. I do not have all of the facts and I am being denied the chance to make a decision for myself. When I did find out, I felt angry that he'd lied to me and assumed that I'd want to stay with someone who had cheated on me and then covered it up.

star he was hoping you would not find out.
It was a calculated risk that did not work as planned.

If my dh was unfaithful and it was a ridiculous mistake, I would have no interest in knowing

star you said I am an adult and I have the right to choose whether or not to be with someone who has cheated on me.

yes, but your partner is an adult too who has the right to choose what he discloses.

some people would say that ignorance is bliss.

morning, star

the specific qustion you ask has been debated lots on Mumsnet, have a browse around the relationship threads

it is a dilemma that always polarises us, because one school of thought is as you say (having the choice taken away from you as to how you want to live your life) as opposed to disclosing as a way to alleviate guilt and only hurts the injured party more

for me, personally, I would find the lies, deceit and disrespect of my autonomy to choose whether to stay with a cheating partner worse than the cheating itself. That somebody was so arrogant as to firstly, cheat, and then to decide it was in my best interests not to know (although quite often other people know which is terrible to realise)

it is a very personal thing...but it is your choice how you feel about it, do not let anybody tell you how you ought to feel (I am thinking your partner here, who has taken some fucking awful liberties, hasn't he ?)

You have made a very silly mistake, but it is not the end of the world. Basically, free of the family, you have decided to revert to being a teenager and have luckily realised this before it is too late.

Next time you see him - make clear nothing will happen and that it was a mistake. Steer clear of the alcohol. Just think, if he is as keen to do this with you, who else had he done it with? Yuck! Also - in your alcoholic haze you may think you have been super careful but what if someone saw you? What if you have to explain all this to your H? Doubtless it would screw up your business as well as your marriage.

You have a lot to lose, missus - is that really worth a bit of flattery and a few kisses? Next time, think of what you have to lose rather than what you have to gain.