How fo I get through to DH?

[Milngavie]

At the beginning of May DH left his full time job to become a SAHD so that I could "take a turn at working" and "begin my career".

I work part time and didn't want him to leave his job and told him so. His main reason for becoming a SAHD was to care for our youngest after the CM let us down once too often. I offered to give up my work and go back to being a SAHM until DS is in school full time. He said that he was happy to leave work, had had enough of working 5.5 days a week and would enjoy being at home.

At the time he knew I was unhappy in my job and in recent months my work has become unbareable to the point of me being signed off for a month with stress and anxiety. I've a week to go before I head back.

In the meantime I have been applying for positions and praying I get one of them. DH feels I should be a work.

When DH left his job his boss was sorry to lose him and said if things didn't work out that DH should go and see him about getting taken on again. At the end of last week his ex boss phoned to say the man who had been given DH's job had left and would DH be interested in coming back. DH said he wasn't sure. This job wouldn't start until the New Year.

I am desperate for him to take it. He says no. He is, however, happy for me to stay in a job I hate and that makes me ill.

I've tried to talk to him but he just says that I have to stick at my job until something new comes up. He is reluctant to discuss it and has told his ex boss that he will wait and see how my applications go before discussing the chance of going back further.

Sorry for this long and rambling post.

I feel so sorry for you. Your DH is being very selfish. I think he is chancing his luck to be honest. Has he been workshy before or is this something new.

Is there a possibility that he has been just as miserable at work as you but has said nothing?

If he is an otherwise kind and supportive partner, and knows the stress this is causing you, it sounds like there is another factor here - what are his plans for work in the longterm? It sounds like he is just as stressed as you about returning.

He hasn't been workshy before, no.

He doesn't want to work 5.5 days he says. The thing is even if he doesn't want THIS job he isn't interested in looking for an alternative either.

He is supportive but can be very, very selfish. His whole family are the same to varying extremes.

Longterm he is planning on seeing what is avaliable once DS is in school full time which isn't until next October.

I guess what is getting to me is that he knows I'm miserable, he knows I hate the job and that the pressure and stress at work has made me an emotional wreck but is happy for me continue.

I'm soon to separated from a selfish man who has and would act similarly.

But from what I know about decent people in good marriages, the two of you would be working together to find the best solution for all of you. That might include him needing to work full or part time for the sake of your mental health for a while. Similarly you may need to compromise if he is also unhappy at work and/or had other work plans.

But if that is not the situation here. ie he just can't be bothered working despite options and knowing it is contributing to your anxiety, then the issue is possibly not a work problem but a relationship problem. Does his selfishness affect you in other ways?

Hang on a minute, so you'd be happy to be a SAHM and let your DH go out and do a job he doesn't want to do? Seems a bit hypocritical to me. Just because you're the 'woman' doesnt' give you the automatic right to be the one who stays at home.

That said, neither of you are happy at this point and I think there needs to be some sort of compromise. Is part time work for both of you a possibility?

Pheebe I would be happy to be a SAHM again yes, I was one for 14 years after all. But if he doesn't want to do that job then of course I'm not going to insist he take it. I never did think I had an 'automatic right' to stay at home.

What I was trying to say was that (at the time)rather than him leave his job I would leave mine. That is all academic now anyway. We're in the situation we are in and there is no quick solution.

I will, of course, stick with the job until I get a new position. He can remain at home and we will carry on as usual.

does he fully appreciate how miserable you are in your job?

WHy are you so unhappy at work - how can you change things so you are not so unhappy? Is that possible?

Do you have plenty money in the current arrangement - is that an issue?

Is his stance he supported the family for 14 years and now it's your turn?

Just throwing out a few things for consideration, sorry if it is not helpful

Doesn't he know that as you are married, he has a legal responsibility to support you and his family?

I think he's been very lucky so far, as well as very selfish.

I think it's perfectly reasonable when someone has been in full-time paid work all their lives, to want to change their work/life balance. No doubt he also wants to spend more time with the DCs than his working life has permitted, up till recently.

You don't say however whether you want a career, or whether you want to work at all. However, it would normally be the case that if the full-timer has given up their job to be a SAHP, the other would out of economic necessity, step up to full-time work. Are the jobs you're applying for, full or part time?

Perhaps the real issue here is that your H unilaterally decided to give up his job, despite your misgivings?

It sounds like a bit of honesty is needed here and a workable compromise. Perhaps you can both work part-time, if finances permit?

But asking him to return to full-time work again when he really doesn't want to, seems unfair. And if your job is causing your health to suffer, asking you to remain there is equally unfair.

Was he really miserable in his job?

wtf??

why is OP's husband being called selfish in this? he left his job presumable because he would be happier being a SAHD. OP is asking that he give this up and go back to work so that she may now do the same.

id this was a man posting saying he was miserable in his job and his wife was refusing to go back to work, i highly doubt he would get the same response. i can guess that he would be told to stick his job out and keep looking for jobs.

which is what i am going to say to the OP. i think you need to negotiate with your DH whether he would consider going back to work part-time and share the childcare with you. I'm not sure his employment status is teh problem as much as you disliking your current job. if you had a job you were happy in would you think he was elfish for being a SAHD?

But your DH doesn't want you to stay in your current job. He has said he will wait to see how the applications for other jobs go before taking it further with his job. Persumably this means if you get a new job that you are happier with he will stay where he is, if not he will go back and talk to his boss. He seems open to going back so you can get out of a miserable job. Think his stance is reasonable.

I have to say i cant believe that your hubby is turning down a job that is basically being handed to him on a plate!!!!!! with the jobs market the way it is up and down the country i find this unbelievable!!

if you were working full time and happy in your job and earning enough to support the whole family comfortably then i can understand H taking a break and rethinking his career but that's not the case, sounds more like its cold outside and hes got quite used to being at home thank-you,

I can't believe some of the posts on here!

Shame on some of you.

If we reversed this situation and it was OP with the career given up to be a SAHM and the DH was in a job he hated and wanted her to go back to work you'd all be up in arms!

Milngavie I understand you are in a job you hate, that is making you ill. BUT. You can't resent your DH for taking a decision to be the SAHP.

Is he doing the entire SAH job thing though? Washing, ironing and cleaning, or are you doing this? If he has embraced the role and is loving it, why not? If he is only doing the childcare and leaving the rest for you to do after your working day, then you need to swiftly readdress that.

Your job is a separate issue, one that YOU have to tackle and deal with.

You could ask DH to ask if his job could be done on a part time basis? then he'd have the best of both worlds and the pressure for you to stay in a job you loathe that is harmful to your heath would be less.

Fundamentally, you have to get a better job, if DH could do part time, there would be more money on the table and you all ought to have the best of both worlds.

Your work/life balance is off, you are suffering, you can ask DH for his support and help, investigate part time, but ultimately he is a happy SAHD, and your career happiness is down to you.

I think if you have previously been a SAHM for 14 years then it's bit unreasonable of you to insist your DH goes back to work rather than you find another job. If your youngest is going to school next year then the situation isn't long term.

Sorry I think your DH has been given a hard time here

What is the job on the table for your DH? Is it one you could do? Why don't you job share and alternate Saturday mornings?
If you managed on this salary before when you were a SAHM then you could manage on it again.
At least for the next year. It would give you both time at work, time at home, time to retrain for new careers.
On the face of it, it is your DH's turn to experience the very different pressures of being the SAH but if your job is actually affecting your health then a rethink is needed.

Sorry for not getting back to this sooner but been busy in RL.

I'll try to answer some of the questions and points made here as best I can, if I miss anything let me know.

I graduated last year but there have been no jobs here in the field so I took the job I have now (PT admin) so that I was doing something and DS went to the CM (we have 3 other DC too). The CM kept changing the days she could have DS and then told me she'd have to drop a day, the nursery DS went to for one day couldn't take him on this other day as they were full so we were stuck.

We sat down to discuss options, the easiest being me giving up work as I was PT and not liking the job. DH thought it would be best if he gave up work to give me a chance at a career and to give him time with the DC. However, he told his boss he was leaving before we'd really looked at everything fully. I tried to tell him we needed to talk more but he'd made up his mind and left work. They were sorry to see him go and he was sorry to leave but doesn't miss the FT/5.5 day a week thing.

Meanwhile my job changed and has become more of an accountancy role. I am not an accoutant and am not good with numbers. On top of this the company introduced a new comp system that is so bad there have been 2 formal complaints made about it from other branches, 2 others doing the same role refuse to use it and I am at a loss with it as are head office.

DH knows I am unhappy and to an extent sympathises but wants me to 'suck it up', work and bring home the bacon. He doesn't like me being off sick. I'm back at work next week all going well with the Doctor.

DH is hit and miss with the SAH thing and on my days off housework falls to me, and rightly so as he does it on work days.

The jobs I have applied for are mostly PT as there are no FT jobs going here that I can do.

DH wasn't unhappy in his work but was happy to escape the FT treadmill.

Beleive me, I haven't hassled him to take the job just mentioned it could be an option. In the meantime I will stay in my job until something new comes up.

I am not going to force him to take this job. He isn't really interested in looking for anything until DS is in school. I am looking for alternative work.

I will suck it up and keep on trucking.

why cant your Dh negotaite a 60 or 8=-0 per cent contract with this job?

the worst is that the boss says no.

but he might say yes to a three or four day per week contract.

Why shouldn't a father make a choice to be the SAHP? Mothers don't have the monopoly on that.

omg can you imagine the uproar if a sahm was called 'workshy'

I don't blame you for being miffed at him for jacking in his job before you have agreed it.

What do you mean he doesn't like you being off sick? He doesn't like it perhaps because it threatens his position at home as SAHP?

With regards to housework. If he is the SAHP then he does the HOME stuff with you doing a proportion. he doesn't get to do the bare minimum he can get away with and you pick up the remainder.

I think that tbh, he is getting a softer ride than perhaps he ought to be getting.

I think that you need to sit him down and have a word. Draw up a list of tasks that need doing every week and divide them up, proportionately so that the parent that stays home does the bulk of the work , and the working parent contributes.

It may be that once he is doing what actually is normally done by the SAHP then perhaps the shine might rub off.

All being fine, I'd be inclined to say OK to your maintaining the status quo and for you to put up with the job etc. However it's having such a detrimental effect on your health, something clearly needs to be done.

I think that given your health issues, he has to understand that the old job has to be be an option most definitely back on the table at least until you have secured another job, and also he needs to bear in mind that unless things have dramatically changed at your workplace, your health may take a turn for the worse and you could be forced to give up that job.

Keep looking for a better job, and see if DH can go back to work even on a part time basis

MILNE - I'm a bit concerned that you feel a little on the defensive, and if so I'm not surprised, with many posters taking sides on this issue but I guess that is what MN is about really and am about to add mine!

It does sound to me that your H went ahead and gave up his job without a proper agreement between you. How are you managing finance wise, surely you must be down to just your part time job.

The other thing that strikes me most is the fact that your job is making you ill and I don't think your H is taking this into consideration and "not liking" you being off sick says a lot to me about his lack of empathy. to some extent you must bothbe stressed with 4 children, which again makes me wonder how you as such a big family are managing on just your part time work.

As for "sucking it up" I worry for you, as this doesn't sound too good an option given your anxiety and stress levels. It's very hard for someone who hasn't experienced this kind of illness to understand how horrible it is.

Agree also with misshissyfit above.

Whatever happens I hope your health improves and things get sorted out. You sound a very level headed person and are being as fair as you can be. Take good care of yourself.