Frustrated and Angry on behalf of my child

[gingercrls]

I have posted before. Husband and I separated in March, problems began the August before. Seems he started seeing a married but separated woman in May when daughter and I moved to Cheshire (he is still in Yorkshire). Not long after separation. Didn't even tell me, I had to drag it out of him. I find it all disrespectful and disgusting to be honest. This woman has 2 children, both girls. He's not even earning a decent income and may be moving in with her - probably just to have somewhere to put his head. My husband has seen my daughter a total of 11 times since March. He has her for one day at a time from 10am to 5pm. He does not contact her in between times and relations between us are frosty to say the least. There is no parenting to speak of, he just visits.

He blames me for lack of contact with his daughter, even though I am constantly pleading with him to see her/email her/phone her. And he is the one who caused the breakdown of our marriage.

Tonight, daughter (8 1/2) was crying her eyes out a bedtime telling me how much she misses him. She said to me 'you don't understand how I feel. Your Daddy never left you'. Poor little thing. She can't understand why he doesn't email her or why when he does occasionally, the emails are so short. He is supposed to phone her every Wednesday and doesn't and gives no explanation as to why. I text him tonight to tell him what an arse he is and how this is affecting her, how she was crying and no reply. Which is the usual scenario. He chooses to live 3 hours from her due to new relationship. Says daughter is 100% more important to him than his g/friend but will not relocate to be near her. I am past annoyed and frustrated. He is uncommunicative and arrogant. I am so sick of his immature behaviour. I don't even want to contact him anymore. He makes me sick!

What would you do?

There are some charities that offer counselling to help children cope with separation and divorce. You could ask your DD's school nurse what is available in your area? Or maybe your GP surgery could give you some numbers to try?

My exP did this (and continues to do it) to our DD. We have been split for almost 4 years. He didn't see her at all for the first 2 years. He lives a 10 minute walk away. These days he sees her every other weekend, but there is no flexibility in the arrangement - she has to miss out on things in order to see him, things that he could take her to just as easily as I can.

It is a very frustrating situation. A piece of advice I got on here was that you can't change his behaviour, but you can change your reaction to it. Not easy to do at all and I have to admit that I'm not totally successful!

These days my DD has very low expectations of her father and his availability to her. It's heart-breaking to watch, but ultimately it is his loss.

I'm sure you've done this, but you need to keep reassuring your DD that this is not her fault, and it's nothing she's done.

It's been a shock to me to see how much I supported my ex's parenting and how poor his parenting skills are when I am not around. It is distressing to the DCs who feel unloved by their dad but also feel responsible for him leaving. In fact, I think his behaviour, reinforces the sense that they are to blame.

I try to remember to tell them frequently that what has happened in not their fault, is not due to something they have or haven't done. Previously, I have talked to them about the fact that just because people are big doesn't make them grown up. I tell them that their dad loves them but isn't himself at the moment and isn't behaving in a very grown up way. I have talked to him about his attitude initially gently and then more assertively, but it hasn't got me anywhere.

It's hard being the parent doing all the support, especially when you are hurting too, but what choice is there? The hardest is our DS6 who asks if I love him all the time. He does the same to his dad who's stock reply is 'yup' which really isn't doing it for our lovely but very sad little boy.

I don't understand who moved away you or ex?

That's such a hard position to be in. I think thelight is right to suggest counselling - I know this sounds like a cliche but your DD's future relationships may be badly affected by this so being able to talk it through with someone else as well as yourself may help. I have a really close friend who went through similar with her father and now finds relationships with men difficult because of it. I hope his attitude changes and I'm so sorry he's being such a monumental arse to both you and your DD

Thanks for the replies. I really am finding him monumentally frustrating. And to add to things, he tries to make nothing better and refuses to reply to me. This is a man I was with for 14 years. I forced his hand into replying to her which he did this morning (sent a text to my friend moaning about him being such an arse to DD and forwarded to him. He sent DD email about 10 mins later). I am so sick of dealing with him it's unreal! He is so immature. Could all have been handled so differently. Not I am so angry with him I'm not sure we can ever get along to parent DD. Anyone else feel that way? I'd like to tell him to take the high road and never come round again!

I have tried to reassure DD and have been honest with her about what he is like. I told her he does love her but that he also isn't himself and does not know how to communicate or behave. I said we must try and make the best of the situation and that we can be happy just us two.

Sparklerz - long story but we had moved to Canada in May last year and my husband sent me an email in the August to say he wanted to leave. Our house in Cheshire was rented out for a year and we ended up coming back to UK and living in Harrogate. We separated in March (and he went to his sisters in York) and the Tenants in our house moved out May and I had no choice but to move back into our matrimonial home. Instead of moving to live near his daughter, he moved near to his girlfriend (who I only found out about in August/Sept and who is separated from her husband with 2 little girls). Took him six weeks to come across for the first visit.

I will definitely ask about Counselling. These men don't realize what they do to their kids do they. It's just completely selfish.

Sounds similar to my ex.

My advice would be, be honest with your daughter about the stuff she can understand e.g. daddy is not very good at remembering what time to call, but he still loves you.

Don't point out to her that he has missed a phonecall if she doesn't notice it, also don't say to her 'daddy will ring tonight'. Let her text him or write to him whenever she wants.

Never say 'miss you' or anything like that when she see's him, always say 'have a great time' And grit your teeth and be nice to/about him around you dd, that way if he is NOT nice, she will see you being reasonable.

I don't phone my ex at all now. I text or email him at holidays when my dd asks when she will next see him but other than that I leave it up to hiim if he wants to contact my dd. I know it's not easy, and I am in a different position in that it was me who decided to call time, even though we had actually agreed to split ages before we actually did.

How has your dd coped with the move aside of the issues with her dad? could she also be upset about that but just blaming the whole thing on missing daddy? Contact with old friends might help too.

No to be honest, she is fairly settled as she has gone back to the same school, friends etc. She actually doesn't always get upset about him, it just seems to be lately. It's been 8 months and she says she can't even remember what it was like when he lived with us. My friend who has a little one same age has split from her husband more recently and the two girls are best friends and although things are not amicable with my friend and her ex, the husband at least takes the daughter every second weekend and phones in the week. I wonder if my daughter see's this and wonders what is up with her dad and why she ins't have same contact. She is also upset as my husbands mother has had no contact and in fact hasn't seen my DD in a year. It's like that whole side of the family have dropped off the face of the planet. They don't think about the poor child.

I really don't want to contact my ex at all. He doesn't seem to understand the basics of being a parent or the need to be respectful and communicative with me. In fact, he is doing no parenting at all. He just 'visits' when he feels like it and gives me no advance warning so I end up re-arranging things for my DD's benefit. No contact in between times, it's like we don't exist. I almost feel it would be better if he just dropped out of her life altogether. But you are right, I will just grin and bare it if and when he decides to 'play' dad.

Ginger your ex seems to be using the same control tactics that my ex used. Well, continues to try to use, too. I don't have any constructive advice to give to you on how to handle your ex, unfortunately. I ca only empathise with the difficulty in trying to balance your separated life with your DD's need for her dad.

I can also empathise with the lack of contact with grandparents. ExP's parents did the same. I suppose the son had to learn his attitudes from somewhere, didn't he?

For what it's worth, my DD (age 10) is beginning to see what an arse her father can be. She questions his behaviour to his face and then ponders on his (frankly illogical and sometimes untruthful, often exaggerated) explanations afterwards. She compares notes with her friends and finds her father wanting.

I hope that things settle down for you. And that your ex sees that he needs to change his attitude towards his child.