I need advice ASAP - how do I get a divorce when he wont agree to separate?

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I've been married to DH almost 10 years, we have one DS, 4. I'm from another country and I have very limited means in this country, I don't work and don't have any money. I love DH very, very much, he's my best friend, but I'm sick to death of putting up with this marriage and after years of the same old shit I've finally said I've had enough and I want out. I've just had enough of it. I'm not sure its even relevant for me to explain why. The point is I want a divorce and he doesnt and I have no money and nowhere to go besides 3000 miles away, which I can't do because we share a child together, and that child has been raised here. So what do I do?

it seems a shame that you love him and he is your best friend, but yet....

What can you do?

You can file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, or your can separate in all but housing and file after 2 years (if he agrees) or 5 (if he doesn't agree).

You can look at what benefits you can get, and how you would live if you split.
You could get advice from CAB.

What are your plans for looking after your son, who is the resident parent, what contact arrangements you have etc?

You could go to relate and see if you can repair your marriage.

what do you want to do?

I might have been hasty in saying he was my best friend, its a bit of a love/hate thing. He also constantly undermines me and I find it pretty difficult anymore to even be in the same room as him. I don't think I can be with him anymore without seriously risking my mental health. He's making me miserable. The idea of even trying to repair our marriage makes me feel sick after all the times I've tried with him.

go and see CAB.
find out about your options.
does he know that you feel this way? Would it change how he behaves if he did? And even if that happens, is it too late for you?
Would it be worth going to Relate, on your own, to work through where you are?

Forget Relate and all that crap, your problem is that your H is abusive (he belittles you, bullies you and tells you that you have no right to leave him. Oh yes you do.). You can end the marriage, whatever he thinks. Contact Women's Aid. You are not his property and he is not entitled to keep you like a posession when you are sick of him.
Yes, you will have to sort out child custody, finances etc but Women's Aid will be able to help you with this.

yes, he does know I feel this way, and he very much wants to work on things but I'm sick of it. I just dont have energy for him anymore. I want to get away from him. I don't like him enough anymore from all his constant observations on my life as if I were some sort of science experiment of his. He says he can't live without me but I don't care anymore I just find it boring and unfortunate. I'm not living, I'm just a life support machine.

your 2nd and 3rd posts paint a very different picture than your 1st.
You DO have options, go and find out exactly what they are - pp suggested Woman's Aid. I don't know who would be more help in terms of practicalities - but help is available.

well I could never call WA. I appreciate the sincerity of the suggestion but I'd be laughed out of the place. He can be a doltish ass and yes also controlling but abusive, I can't stretch to that, and I'd be humiliated if anyone in our life thought I accused him of that because actually he is known for being OTT loving towards me and everyone envies me as his wife. Ridiculous, isn't it. I don't think compared to what many women go through I've got much to justify complaining about to WA, is what I'm trying to say. Nevertheless I still would like to be single and I thank you.

OK, so he's controlling, 'doltish', you're sick of being made to feel like an experimental subject and he makes a big public show of how much he 'loves' you when he clearly sees you as an object. He is psychologically abusing you.
Women's Aid will not tell you to sod off and learn to live with it. Many, many abused women start their first call to WA by saying 'It's not that bad really'. It doesn't sound very good, at all.

I'd def recommend you contact WA, they're brilliant! This does sound like psychological abuse to me, I'm sorry.

I had a similar situation myself with xh. He wouldn't believe that I meant it when I said I wanted a divorce.

You can get legally seperated and you don't need him to say yes to this. You will need a solicitor. For benefit purposes, it's tough!! You need to not be sleeping in the same room, you can't be cooking, cleaning, doing laundry or similar for him. This was my experience 9 years ago, hope it helps a bit.

You do not need anyone's permission to divorce. It costs very little if you don't use a solicitor. You will need a lawyer when it gets to division of property and childcare arrangements - you can do it all yourself but, if he's going to fight, you need a professional to guard your interests. Seriously, do ring Women's Aid and also make an appointment with the CAB (Citizen's Advice Bureau). Consult both these FREE services, because you are not clear on your rights. They are both charities. I contribute to both of them, and I give you permission to use them :)

The easiest 'complaint' for divorce is Unreasonable Behaviour. The definition of this is that you can't live with it, there are no external criteria whatever. People have divorced their spouses for snoring, refusing to cook fish for dinner and having smelly feet. Calling you names or ignoring you would certainly be enough reason.

Get some advice and set yourself free! Good luck.

you need to get a legal seperation drawn up at a solicitors. That way if he does refuse to agree to unreasonable behaviour (which seems likely) you are officially seperated from him so if you can hang on for the divorce until the statutory period(2 years after the date of legal seperation)then you won't need his consent.

I handled my own divorce and was lucky enough to get the fees waived.:O I only had to pay £45 for Decree Absolute.

See your CAB or WA or most solicitors offer free consultations and clarify your rights and your position and start the process. the sooner you have the seperation made official the sooner he loses control over you
Good Luck :)

"he is known for being OTT loving towards me and everyone envies me as his wife. Ridiculous, isn't it"

no not ridiculous - my exP painted a picture to all and sundry of how wonderful i was, how lucky he was to have me etcetc...yet to me in the privacy of home it was constant criticism/belittling/bullying.

it amde no sense - except later when you realsie it is aprt of a subtle plan...

call womens aid. for a chat. they will listen.

and sort out your true feelings - is he realy your "best freind" ? do your best friends treat you like this? what do you expect from a best friend?