Husband being difficult

[PrincessTwolyilah]

Hi All

My husband recently is always fighting or getting into a mood with me over some issue or other. Im sooooo fed up, hurt and upset over his behaviour.

We will me fine one minute then he'll go all silent and moody the next. Why? because I've said something I shouldnt have..

For example the main issues are my relationship with his family, and our LO's level of contact with them. Im not that close to his family I do make effort etc but that doesnt seem to be good enough for him or them!!

We have a set routine (3 days a week) regarding LO visiting her grandparents which was mutually agreed upon. But they are never happy and hence my husband is never happy with me.

Consequently my husband is always trying to distance me from my family. Tit for tat as he says. But i never stop him from going over to see his parents or attempt to distance him from them and he knows this.

Almost every single fight we have had from as far back as I can remember is either a complaint from his parents or him picking some fault out in me.

We have tried to talk several times. No solutions. Im not saying im perfect but come on.

I like to live a stress free life and am quite a care free, calm and collected type of person.

Him and his family are very reactionary type of people there is always some sort of drama going on in their life or in their minds. After they have totally put each other down and really hurt the other person's feelings. The next day act as if nothings happened!!

Which i just dont get. And i just cant be like that. I dont have that kind of thick skin.

I just feel hes constantly rocking the boat. making his life miserable and mines in the process.

How do I get him to channel his negative energy out in a more positive way and not take it out on me or make it an excuse to fight with me???

Bloody hell, this is basically bullying, both from him and his parents.

I would have thought 3 times a week visiting his parents would be enough?!

how old's your dc, do you only have one?

Where do the gps' live? Next door?
Where do your parents live?

'How do I get him to channel his negative energy out in a more positive way and not take it out on me or make it an excuse to fight with me???'

well, you can't. you can't make people behave differently. all you CAN do is inform him that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't be treated this way. then you need to follow it up with action.

He is bullying you and trying to alienate you from your family rings alarm bells for me. If he cuts off your support, he can control you more.

@ MUMONTHENET - its the first grandchild. the gps live a few streets away and my parents live one street away. so quite close to both sides.

@blinks - yeh ive told him several times about his behaviour and how i find it unacceptable. he will calm down but then at the next hurdle carry on the same way. I feel hes quite influenced by his parents way of thinking and carries it into our relationship.

@scurryfunge - i can see that he is trying to take control. But im not letting him and really dig my heels in at his attempts.

I just dont know what to do?

but you are letting him take control. you stay with him and bend to suit their demands. of course he's influenced by his parents way of thinking- he's a product of them. you can't change that but you can alter your response to it. if he's carrying on with the behaviour after being told it's unacceptable, he needs a clear consequence- our relationship will end if you continue to put me down and not offer emotional support. then do it. read this

no-one deserves to be in a relationship where they're put down.

This is just like my ex and his family.

This - "After they have totally put each other down and really hurt the other person's feelings. The next day act as if nothings happened!!" If I didn't know better I would think I wrote that about ex in my sleep!!

I will be up front with you, nothing worked, all the tactics I tried did no good. He started to hate and resent me because I wouldn't play ball and we never recovered from that.

With these kind of people NOTHING is enough. You could bend over backwards and they would still find something to whinge about.

Sorry but I really don't see a good outcome here, I have no advice because nothing I did ever worked, there was no compromise it was just me giving in and then him pushing for more until the situation was completely untenable.

Just re-read your initial post and see that your in-laws already see your child three times a week! Sheesh, it appears that they will not be happy until your child moves in with them!

Don't know if this will help, but we spent years arguing about our mothers. Somehow between us we hit on the idea of calling them both yfm (your mother) and mfm (my mother). Just doing that took all the heat out of it somehow.

With shnauz OP - I'm in same position - I have no useful advice except to say don't let it ride.

Reason being - my dh the same - his family live abroad yet we see more of them than my family who live in this country. My annual leave is meant to go on trips to them. His family also very heated so it's unpleasant and they just get on with it the next day - it's a very manuplative way to behave. Particularly as your dh is trying to make it hard to see your family - bonkers as in your case both sents of gps are local.

I've fought back and although I see a change - it's a change of what's happening rather than a change of heart from dh's pov.That's not good enough for me.

So as I said - don't do as I do (as it hasn't worked - I'm about to start a new job and I'm about to refuse it soley as I know that any free time will be ils free time being jealous of my parents who see our ds alot less) but take the warnings from others.

It shouldn't be about control - it's not about letting him take control - marriage and exended family shouldn't be about control. Your dh is being unreasonable.

What are your ils unhappy about with this very generous 3 days per week 'routine'. I thought babies needed routine - not ils.

hi all

thanks for your advice and experiences.

I asked my OH what he wanted from me and all he said was he wanted me to "shut up" not have a response for everything!! He didnt want me to treat his parents like stangers (i dont get that because during this week they came over twice and i treated them really well - which OH agreed too)!!

at the moment im just keeping a bit of distance between us and not really speaking to my OH. I explained to him once again that i dont appreicate being treated in this manner. we need space and time apart.

Hes respected my wishes and doesnt attempt to communicate unless he really has to.

In the past we've talked and talked until the cows come home and it wouldnt resolve the issues regarding his family or our marital disputes.

Can you try councelling? Relate might be a good idea?

If you go to them 3 days per week, and they go to you 2 days per week, when are you on your own, and when do you see your family?

To be honest, I would end this marriage. But I am not you, so I cant tell you what to do.

However, him just agreeing you need time apart and not talking to you, is not resolving any issue at all. He is just waiting for you to bow under pressure and come around.

He sounds like a total arsehole. Sorry.

I didn't know my ex had re-married!!!

OP, yes he does want you to shut up and not have a response to anything because he doesn't actually see you as a person, he certainly doesn't like you very much and actually resents you preventing him from doing whatever he wants to do, much like a tantrumming toddler, unfortunately this toddler is massive and has all the benefits of being an adult to utilise, he sounds like a two year old in a mans body. Exactly like my ex.

My ex used to say exactly the same things, he actually told me that I should just shut up and let him do what he wanted no matter how it affected me because then we wouldn't argue. Twunt.