Don't want to go through this.....

[allouttalove]

Just feeling so low....Bascially my marriage is over. H had an affair 2 years ago just before we got married and had been together many years before then and had 2 dcs, i found out about his affair 2 days after my wedding, we tried to rebuild our relationship but then I found out about a one night incident 8 months later when he paid to have a private lap dance when out with his mates. We went to relate after that and again tried to rebuild things......I felt I shut down towards the end of the counselling and felt removed from the whole thing although thought we could make it work.
I'm ashamed to say I then found myself very very pursued by another man and flattered into an EA online. Before things got very far I told my H I was being distracted and hoped he would show me more interest, but he didn't and I ended up getting involved with this OM and distancing myself further and further from my H.

Fastforward to two years since my wedding and I'm seperated from my H (as in living together but no 'relationship' and he is away during the week, home at weekends). We are making plans to sell our house as we can't afford for him to completely move out without selling. I just want him to go so I can start to get over this.

I am devastated by the whole thing and feel like I am losing grip of everything. My DCs are very young and miss their daddy so much, I feel like I don't know what love is anymore, can't see the future as anything other than me and my Dcs and perhaps some bloke that isn't my Dcs daddy. My H is a lovely person, but I'm just not in love with him, don't really like him very much either, but wish WISH WISH WISH I wasn't in this place. I just want my life to be how it was before my wedding/pre his affair. I was so fucking happy I felt we had a great equal relationship.
Please can someone tell me how to get through this.....

Don't know what to say, but didn't want you to feel alone! are you totally sure it's over with h? are you still talking? what is his take on things?
if your relationship was so great in past, what happened to change things - was it marriage?
only advice I'd give to you is don't second guess the future. It may feel as if the road ahead is bleak, but it doesn't have to be. I am a lone parent and I am honestly can say I am very happy, with a job I love, amazing friends, and loads of enthusiasm for life. There's more our there than relationships! my ds was affected by split but now seems v settled and my daughter is too young to remember otherwise and has always been content. Things will not always feel the way they do now!
and I do remember living with ex having decided to leave, it was such a horrible atmosphere and strain and I do sympathise. This is probably the worst bit tbh.

Thanx Ninah
That's kind of what I get stuck with, I think it's completely over but then have moments when I want it to work so badly. Mainly i think for the DCS though. We have remained friends so far and we have never had blasting nasty rows, we tend to talk more, but this still hasn't changed my feelings. He wants it to work. Since I have said I wanted to definitely split he suddenly wanted to work at it, after 18months of me really really trying, too little too late really.

I don't fancy him anymore, I even think about the future wanting to be with someone who I respect and can have a good relationship with.

I just get a sudden fear I'm making a massive mistake, but then other times when everything seems so clear and I think I am absolutely doing the right thing. I just wish I wasn't in this place, I guess I am grieving my life as I thought it would be

It sounds to me that you are grieving the life you had before he cheated on you. You cannot get that back. You need to carry on with the split and things will be alot easier once you are completely separated and living separately you can then start the process of letting go of that life which wasnt suiting you anyway and which he had made for you, full of insecurity and lacking in trust etc. Just my opinion.

It sounds like you do love each other but are just, or were just not ready to be without other avenues yet. People can grow past this stage and become happily monogamous, but it's whether you really want to have him in your life permanently or not.

That's the question, and it does sound like there is a good relationship underneath all the hurt

Good that you are not rowing as well. I always think that's a mark of respect and worth something x

Sorry, I mean maybe he wasn't ready to settle down properly...not you. What happened with your affair was probably a bit of a desperate hope-he-will-realise sort of thing wasn't it.

Understandable in the circumstances.

Thanks for your replies. I went to my counsellor today, my last session. I have loads of support but felt I just wanted to make a clear decision in my head kind of thing. I do feel like splitting is the right way to go, when I think of the future I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Nickname~You are soooo right, I am totally grieving the life I should be having iyswim. I just NEVER wanted ever to get divorced and NEVER thought it would happen to me. We did have a great relationship.....or at least I thought it was.

I guess it's just hard to see my future at the moment. Everything was so clear before....me, my H, our Dcs....now it's just completely unknown.....me, the Dcs and happiness I can see, but where....with who in the future (not a priority but think about the effect on the Dcs), money....just everything!! Ahhhhh!!

I didn't know it would be so hard....and I haven't even told the Dcs yet!!