Am so annoyed with myself, have failed again at being assertive

[SoLonely]

I have been trying to be more assertive, without being aggressive in my relationships. I used to feel very taken for granted, walked all over and a doormat and decided it was up to me to change and not to allow myself to be treated in ways I didn't like.

I have been getting quite annoyed with DD's friends mums who are happy for us to have their DD's over to ours but never to invite DD over. I always continue to have their DD's over to ours for DD's sake but decided that the next time I arranged to have one of DD's friends over I would at the same time, fix up a date for DD to also go over to the friend's house. So I tried to do that today, the other mum and I arranged a date for DD's friend to come over to ours and I said 'Shall we also fix up a date for DD to come to yours?' and the other mum just said 'Oh no, let's leave it for a couple of weeeks and fix something up later' and I just pathetically agreed. I know the other mum, she has had DD over to hers once, whereas we have had her DD over to ours countless times. As far as I'm concerned it's just plain rude to accept so many invites from us and to never, except once, return the favour. I only bother with the mum for DD's sake, I am polite and friendly but I don't like her.

I am now fuming with myself. I should have said 'Actually, I would prefer to fix up a date for DD to come to yours because..' and just made up a reason why it had to be done now. I suppose I could have insisted on fixing a date and she would have just cancelled it later on but I just wish I could have been more assertive in the moment.

I am wondering if I should go on an assertiveness training course. Has anybody been on one? Are they any good? How do they teach you to be assertive?

I want to change and need help!

Hello again and thanks for the replies. Just to clarify what always happens is that DD's friend tells DD she really, really wants to come to our house. This happens I imagine just before hometime. They come out of the classroom, DD comes up to me and says 'friend really wants to come to our house, can she come?' and i say either yes or no. This happens on a regular basis. So it's not a case of me inviting, it's a case of DD's friend asking if she can come over.

DD never asks me if friend can come over unless she is first asked by the friend.

So in that situation, what should I do? I am not going to stop having the friend over completely as I am doing it for DD's sake. I think AlarmBells response is the answer I am looking for (thank you!). Next time I will say to the friend just what you have suggested AB, word for word.

Allarm hits the nail on the head.

To be honest, I think it's only fair and polite for the other mother to invite your child over to her house from time to time. I wouldn't care if it 'doesn't suit' or 'doesn't like' it's fair for the DD's to be treated the same.

However, if she is nasty I wouldn't want my child at her house!! I would always have 'one up' on her by being the accomodating one.

OP stick to your guns! I hate playground cliques!!!

Interesting thread SL....

Am just thinking here...along the same lines as Alarmbells. This could be an opportunity for you to teach DD a little assertiveness.

You say that dd never asks you if friend can come over unless FIRST asked by friend. Could this mean that she doesn't particularly care if friend comes over? Is she trying to please this friend? Is the friend a little pushy?

Does DD realise that she does have the right to negotiate (assert) with this friend...i.e. to say: I'd like to come and play at your house instead of mine, can you ask your Mum?

Could be a great opportunity for you BOTH to learn about assertiveness.

BTW I agree it's not about how many times each goes to the others, it's actually about what YOU and your daughter want.

floozie, I agree, it is only fair and polite for the other mum to have DD round sometimes, if only for the sake of her own DD, who clearly likes my DD a lot.

DD never really asks to have this friend round or any other friend round, think she is just happy to come home and chat to me and play with DS. But when she does have a friend round she is very happy and excited too, she is generally quite easy going and generally happy doing whatever.

mumonthenet, yes, my impression is that the other DD is quite pushy and can also be quite aggressive at times (wonder where she gets that from? ). Yes, I agree this could be a good opportunity for both myself and DD to learn to be assertive. But I think the best way to teach is by example and if DD sees me being assertive she will learn by watching me.

Anyway, after sleeping on this issue, I now feel a bit silly for even posting about it. It's just one of those things when you get thrown into a group of people via your DC, with whom you would normally have nothing to do with.

I hate playground cliques too, I have my own friends and avoid the clique but I am forced to interact with some of the clique mums because of DD.

Don't feel silly about posting, OP. It's a perfectly reasonable issue to seek opinions on & the number of responses show others are interested, too. It's what MN's for isn't it!?