Not just relationships...but need help anyway. Am I a weirdo?

[NinkyNonker]

I?m not sure where to post this, as haven?t really tried out all boards so am posting twice! I haven?t really talked through this with anyone in real life, and wanted to get some different perspectives before I do, it is a bit long ?cause I don?t know where to start. Sorry.

I just worry about myself sometimes, which sounds weird I know. I am happily married with a baby (12 wks), a lovely family, home etc etc. But in my head I think I?m a bit odd. I seem to ?float? through things, never really feeling the highs of what have been some amazing times. Even my wedding, I love my husband totally yet felt really emotionless all day, certainly not this ?best day of my life? everyone talks about. I felt like I was forcing myself to socialise etc.

I?m fed up with being the only people pleaser in a family of emotional blackmailers, the only one who ignores insults, smoothes over rows or acts jolly to make it appear we?re having fun. My mother was ill 10 yrs ago and ever since has been even more emotional than she was growing up, I feel like her mother instead of the other way around. I worry about them all the time, and feel so guilty if they?re unhappy for some reason. It is impossible to have a different opinion to her, as I?m ganging up on her if I do. DH and I are thinking of moving in a year or so and would be further away from them...the passive aggressive guilt trips we?ve had laid on us since are non-stop. Despite the fact that when they were in our shoes years back they moved 4 hrs away from both their parents, why is it alright for them and not me? I feel like I?m too attached to them, if you see what I mean? I struggle to put the needs of my own family (DH, DD) ahead of their needs, which I should be doing now, I feel like I am still 10 in my head. And it annoys me!! I am far more considerate to their feelings than they are to mine, my sister is very manipulative and selfish and yet they think the sun shines out of her and I am the failure. I am fed up with it.

I feel permanently anxious, I can?t relax, as if I am always waiting for something. And yet I feel lethargic and lazy, I have to force myself to do something fun with DD every day or the poor little one would be bored stiff. I get so uptight about the smallest things, and always, always blame myself if something goes wrong. EG, the other day we went shopping and just missed the last space in the car park. I automatically blamed myself because I had left the changing bag indoors and had to go back to get it, I was almost in tears, the compulsion to bang my head against the window repeatedly was overwhelming. DH finds it bizarre how much I kick myself I think. I just wish I could relax and be happy! I have the darkest thoughts of our mortality all the time. I have visions of awful things happening to DH or DD and cannot get them out of my head. I just keep think about when one of them dies and the pain I?ll feel, making me think is all this really worth it because all I?ll feel is pain...is this all life is? A short few years of happiness followed by tremendous pain I won?t be able to handle and then death?? Morbid I know, sorry. I have such a lovely family and the chance of a great life but I feel like I am screwing it up for myself, I want us to be happy and enjoy our life...but I can?t get past the overwhelming guilt I always feel towards my family (if there is ever a cross word, not my fault, I have a heavy guilty feeling that stops my ever standing up for myself). I just want to relax and stand up for myself more! And not care so much! I am an adult for Pete?s sake.

I don?t want to be this neurotic bundle of idiocy when DD grows up, I don?t want to do to her what my parents did to me. Involving me in their rows, trying to make me take sides, involving me in family feuds; I don?t think it?s fair. But unless I can stop these neurotic thoughts and behaviours how can I stop myself?? Does anyone get what I mean?

And don?t get me started on sex. I love my DH with all my heart, completely, and yet when we have sex it feels odd. Like we shouldn?t be doing it, it is something to be ashamed of and I freeze up. It never used to be like this, but as soon as we moved in together it started feeling weird. Before anyone thinks it, the spark hasn?t faded, we haven?t fallen out of love and it isn?t because of DD. It has happened in every relationship I?ve had, as soon as the relationship is ?serious? it feels weird. I am just a freak when it comes to sex I guess. But it bugs me, I love DH, fancy him, want to be with him forever, how can I sort out this issue I have??

I know this is long and rambling, but I don?t know where to start. I guess motherhood has brought all of these things to the fore because now I have someone else I am responsible for. And it has made me realise that I do actually only have one life and it doesn?t last forever, so it is my responsibility to make the best of it.

In my mind I just want to be stronger, distance myself from my family slightly without feeling so guilty, stop being so crazily anxious about everything (DH has wondered whether I have slight anxiety issues) and get over this weirdness I have with sex.

Please tell me, do I sound normal? Or does everyone feel this way about things? Or should I try to sort myself out...in which case how do I do that?!

Dear NinkyNonker

No, these are not normal thoughts or behaviours that you describe - but given what you have mentioned in your background, they are understandable ways that you have learned to cope.

Asking here is the first step towards doing something about it. If you weren't ready, you wouldn't have posted. I think that takes great courage.

My suggestion is that you speak to your doctor, and you find yourself a therapist. A good place to start is the BACP or UKCP websites. Someone who specialises in "psychotherapy" would be a good start.

I speak as someone who has been in a similar position - not "normal" but simply doing her best. Things can get a lot better - they really can.

Hi Ninky,

No you are not a weirdo at all but are now instead an adult who grew up with toxic parents and the overall damaging dysfunction that goes with it. None of what you write is all that surprising given your family background. Fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) play a part too. It leaves its mark (the aforementioned FOG) and a very damaging legacy on the victims i.e you and also your siblings. People who come from such dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours is peacekeeper and scapegoat for all their ills. It is NOT your fault they are like this, you are NOT responsible for their ills.

You have something your parents and sister will never have - insight into what is really going on.

If you grew up too in a family where sex was frowned upon then this will have left its mark as well. Counselling for you would certainly be helpful with regards to that issue as well. BACP have a list of counsellors and do not charge the earth.

You may well want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. This is a good starting point.

You may find the "well we took you to Stately Homes - dysfunctional parents" thread on these pages helpful. That could also help you too. Read their experiences.

If you do decide to cut them off completely I for one would not criticise you for doing so. You would not put up with such ill treatment from a friend; family is no different.

Thanks for the responses, I'm glad I'm not alone and also that there is potentially something I can do! It was exhausting to think it was just 'me'. I just feel so on edge all the time wanting everyone to be happy, whether or not I am. DH is the only person I don't feel that way around. We went on hols with my best friend and her husband last week and I spent all week on edge wanting to make sure they were happy, had what they wanted, doing what they wanted etc etc...DH had to point out that it was my holiday as well and it was ok to say what I wanted. Not very good at that! Did practise yesterday with my parents...deciding where to go for lunch even though my father had already stated his preference and mine was different...brave old me eh! I need to learn to prioritise our new family unit over and above my parents I think.

But if I think negative thoughts about my parents I feel guilty, I know they love me very much and adore DD. The thought of making a decision that will upset or annoy them is totally alien to me, but I know I can't put their wishes against 'my' family's, if you see what I mean...I would be sacrificing our life decisions. Which is wrong, but there just seems to be such a battle. But then I get annoyed with myself, why shouldn't I have an opinion, even if it is at odds with someone else's? I'm an adult too, why should I be the one to have to bend all the time? I think part of the problem is that it is expected now, but they still seem to see me as difficult or troublesome, which is really galling given that they are so blind to how much work I put into keeping things light and jolly. I can't explain myself very well at all either which is frustrating.

I think I will make an appointment to chat to my GP, I think if I could get my anxiety under control (scored very significant levels of anxiety on the Hospital Anxiety and Depression test online, and significant for depression which surprised me) then perhaps my head will be clear enough to work on being more assertive and that bit stronger.

NinkyNonker - Gawd, I could have written at least have of what you've said. I've come from a dysfunctional, torn family. As a child all I wanted to do was please my parents and I think this has carried on into adulthood only it has extended to all those around me.
I'm so concerned that I never upset anyone, especially family members. Like you, I'm also finding it hard to explain what I mean but all I can say is that it causes me endless worry and anxiety. I never really express an opinion if it differs from my friends'/families and on the rare occaision that I do then I'm consumed with guilt.
I also suffer with a kind of heightened empathy - I CANNOT bear it if someone I care about is suffering in any way, particularly embarrassment for some reason . This also leads me to be anxious all day.
Like you, I imagine awful things happening to the ones I love (particularly my children) It absolutely tears me apart and sometimes awful images flash into my mind before I can stop them.
Another similarity is the feeling that I'm to blame for everything. My step-mother summed me up once when she said that I expect a lot from other people but I also expect a lot from myself.
Have you thought about seeing your GP at all? I suffered from PND and was on medication for 2 years. During the time on the antiD's I felt a lot calmer and the nasty images subsided.
Sorry, I'm not much help am I? I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and it certainly helps me to realise we seem to have a similar difficulty and background...

Good luck with everything xx

Sorry, just seen that you are going to see your GP - I'm even less help than I thought!

PS I don't come across as meek and mild mannered in everday life, I keep it mostly inside... always been one to bottle thing up - as my step mother also used to say, I guess she was right!

I can't post a whole lot right now - have waved at you in the Stately Home, NN - but wanted to share this with you all. I first knew my therapy was working when somebody cut me up on a roundabout - and my immediate thought was "Look what HE did wrong!"

I think you'll understand how I felt at that :)